Damnit, I Like Grape Soda ...

And so I'm back ... after a two month self-imposed hiatus. Nothing horrendous happened. I have no stories of crisis or conflict to share. I simply gave up. I felt I had nothing worthwhile to say ... and why fill the Internet with more pointless blathering?

And ... two months later ... nothing has changed. I still don't think I have anything significant to contribute. However, I'd forgotten how cathartic blogging can be. And, while I may never solve the world's problems ... maybe talking here can help solve mine. So are my motives selfish? Oh, yes ... as Sarah Palin would say, "You betcha!" But that's alright ... sometimes we need to be a little selfish.

I may have an answer for yesterday's doldrums. It seems as though I'm coming down with some sort of sinus/cold thing. It's these damned extreme weather changes that do it to me every time. But that's alright too. I have a heating pad which seemed to help the achiness ... and I have Tylenol Sinus which seems to stop the draining that was making me feel so sick ... and I have grape soda that ... well, okay it doesn't do anything. But damnit I like grape soda!

Dancing through life
No need to tough it
When you can slough it off as I do
Nothing matters
But knowing nothing matters
It's just life
So keep dancing through

Wicked - Dancing Through Life

Today, I Am the Bee Girl ...

It's easy to blame others. In fact, it's probably human nature to look to others as the source of our problems. Howevever, I try to be a little more self-aware than that ... I understand that my mood today is entirely me.

I am tired. I am irritable. I have little patience. All of the day's typical little irritations are grinding on me. I feel like I'm worn thin. Is it hormonal? Is it just fatigue? Has my GFR gone south? I have no idea.

I am trying to put on a good face for everyone ... but today is not a good day. I want to go home and crawl under the covers. No ... I want to go home and play a video game and veg. I want to put on headphones and listen to the Cure. And I want it to rain. Really rain. And thunder. Long, rolling thunder like you hear in these god-forsaken nature CDs that are not relaxing me, no matter what their marketing may claim.

I am blessed ... I know that. I also know that it's the journey ... not the destination. I'm just saying that a rest stop would be nice right about now ...

And I don't understand why I sleep all day
And I start to complain that there's no rain
And all I can do is read a book to stay awake
And it rips my life away, but it's a great escape

Blind Melon - No Rain

An Open Letter to Governor Blagojevich ...

Dear Governor Blagojevich:

I'm sorry. There must've been a miscommunication. We (and when I say "we" I actually mean "some Illinoisans who were not from Sangamon County") elected you to be governor of Illinois ... not governor of Cook County.

I know, I know ... it's confusing. Since you chose not to re-locate to the capital city, and since you choose to fly here when necessary, you may not be aware of the cities and towns and villages between Chicagoland and ... oh, I don't know ... the rest of the State of Illinois.

However, now that you understand that there are 101 other counties in the State of Illinois, perhaps you can start listing the initiatives that you've supported that have helped the citizens south of I-80.

There is a reason you've been impeached by the State House of Representatives. Let me assure you that it is not because members of the House would like people to be foreclosed upon. It also isn't because they are unconcerned about breast and cervical cancer. Reading your "accomplishment report" on national television did nothing to erase the unethical, dishonorable stain you've left on our state.

I do have one question for you, Governor. If you are so concerned about children and their health care needs, why did you try to shake down the Children's Memorial Hospital of Chicago? I think we needed to hear the answer to that question much more than we needed to listen to you read Tennyson.

Signed,
ThirtyWhat
Citizen of The Once and Future Great State of Illinois

PS - I think I found a more suitable Tennyson for you. This one's on me ... you're welcome.

Beautiful city, the centre and crater of European confusion,
O you with your passionate shriek for the rights of an equal humanity,
How often your Re-volution has proven but E-volution
Roll’d again back on itself in the tides of a civic insanity!

Lord Alfred Tennyson - Beautiful City

It Really IS A Wonderful Life ...

Wow ... another year has passed. I was looking through the archives when it hit me ... I started blogging back in November of 2004. Can you imagine? That sounds like a lifetime ago.

Back in 2004, all three of our girls were in high school. Now one is a few short months from graduating college and another is living in Florida and working for the House of Mouse.

You know, come to think of it ... four years ago I dreamt of being able to visit the Magic Kingdom someday. Since then, thanks to our family Cast Member ... we've gone to all four parks, visited Downtown Disney, met Mickey several times, and had the best seats in the house for the electric parade and the fireworks over the castle. Man, times change, huh?

Back in 2004, Dad was still alive. There was this huge, gaping hole when he passed away ... and slowly, over the past four years, that hole has gotten smaller. Mom's moved to town and that's a blessing. She's only a mile or so away so it isn't hard to check in on her. We've found a pattern ... a niche ... and life's gotten easier.

In politics, you hear campaigns ask, "Are you better off than you were four years ago?" Well, that's hard to say. I'd say we're no worse off ... and that's a good thing. But I'm still looking forward to a new year ... a year with more wax and less wane ... a year with more health and less sickness ... a year with more snow and less ice.

And so ... Merry Christmas, everyone. I hope YOU are better off than you were four years ago... and I hope you spend tonight and every other night with people who love you and make wherever you're at feel like home.

Hello, Bedford Falls!
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas, movie house!
Merry Christmas, Emporium!
Merry Christmas, you wonderful
old Building and Loan!
Hey! Merry Christmas, Mr. Potter!

George Bailey - It's A Wonderful Life

Governor's Mansion To Be Rebuilt As Graceland ...

Gov. Rod Blagojevich said today that he "has done nothing wrong" and will not resign as governor.

"I will fight. I will fight. I will fight until I take my last breath," he said. "And I'm not going to quit a job that people hired me to do because of false accusations and a political lynch mob."

The governor said "it's kind of lonely" but asked the people of Illinois for patience.

"Afford me the same rights that you and your children have. The presumption of innocence. The right to defend yourself," he said. "I have on my side the most powerful ally there is: the truth. Besides, I have the personal knowledge that I have not done anything wrong."

... and having said that, he flipped the middle finger and said, "Fuck YOU, Fitzgerald" and slapped his ass ...

I couldn't be more proud, Illinois ... how bout you?

A little less conversation, a little more action please
All this aggravation ain't satisfactioning me
A little more bite and a little less bark
A little less fight and a little more spark
Close your mouth and open up your heart
And baby satisfy me

Elvis Presley - A Little Less Conversation

R.I.P. Caylee Anthony ... You Deserved Better ...

The AP has reported that DNA tests confirm the skeletal remains recently found in Orlando (only 1/3rd of a mile from the Anthony household) belong to missing toddler Caylee Anthony.

What a horrible end to a horrible story. Caylee deserved so much better. If you hate being a mother that bad, why not relinquish your parental rights to someone who would be thrilled to have a daughter? It's heartbreaking.

The only thing left to pray for is a miracle. A miracle that will cause Casey and her parents to tell the truth about what happened. There are a lot of lies being told ... and I don't believe Casey's the only one telling 'em.

Like a fish gets caught on a hook
You'll go for a line, get hit with the book
Like cop puts cuff on a crook
Baby, you'll get yours

Frank Sinatra - You'll Get Yours

I Have Been Abducted ... by Facebook ...

Oh, yeah, it's official ... I am hooked. I haven't twittered ... I haven't blogged ... but I've updated my Facebook status an average of three times per day. Whoa ... it's like looking up and my head clearing from a fog ...

What all has happened since I've been gone? Let's see ...

We have a new President-elect, for whom I'm proud to say I voted. For once in a long while, I'm finally looking forward to the new year.

Our girl who moved to Orlando last year flew home to visit. The fun and sun and hard work look amazing on her ... she was healthy, happy, and beautiful. It was great having her back home.

We watched College One march in her last football game on Senior Weekend. It was sentimental and sweet ... but it was also under 30 degrees so I couldn't cry for fear of my tear ducts freezing over.

Our daughter in the Theatre Department took us to see a Halloween night performance of "Dracula." Amazing costumes ... makes my fingers ache just thinking about the sewing that went into Dracula's cape. Seriously, you wouldn't have seen better costuming in a film.

Our governor was arrested and, as much as I'd like to feign shock or surprise ... I expected as much. I'm just shocked there isn't video of him flinging poo ... I mean, this guy is only a few steps removed from being bat-shit crazy.

I've decorated the house for Christmas. Have I mentioned I love Christmas so much?! It looks like someone carpet-bombed lights around my home ... and it cheers me up every time I walk through the front door.

I have a new show. I picked up the first season DVD set for "Mad Men" at Lincoln Library. Wow ... it started out kinda slow but I love the character development. I can't wait to find out why Don/Dick changed his identity. If you haven't watched this series, check it out. Look for episode seven, "Red In The Face." It was amazing. I've never eaten an oyster; however, this episode has guaranteed I never will.

Hmmmm, this post is a lot like those lame Christmas letters, isn't it? The ones you inevitably get from families members who are so distant that you don't know, or care, what's happened to them over the course of the last year? Well in that same spirit, that about wraps it up for the ThirtyWhat clan. Have a glass of eggnog for me ... oh, and don't forget to watch Christmas Vacation at least once before the 25th!


Where do you think you're going?
Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun,
old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no.
We're all in this together. This is a full-blown,
four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on,
and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas
since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye.

Clark Griswold - Christmas Vacation

I Finally Did It!

Well, I did it ... my first attempt at a more formatted doodle. It's in kind of a comic strip format ... only a little larger and a lot less funny.

I've got a vague idea in my head of where this is going ... a small series based on the discovery that Bear is becoming a TV addict. This, is no surprise to anyone who knows Bear ... however, her office-mates are the ones who find themselves on the bad end of their hibernation-deprived ursine co-worker.

Sure, it's no JTHM ... but, then again ... what can I expect? I'm no Jhonen Vasquez.

We've got nothing better to do
Than watch TV and have a couple of brews
Don't want to talk about anything else
We don't wanna know!
We're dedicated, yes
To our favorite shows!
All My Circuits!
Everybody Loves Hypno-Toad!
Scary Door!
Blernesday Night Blernesball!
Futurama!

Futurama - TV Party Tonight
(An Homage To Black Flag's TV Party Tonight)

Think Of It As A Virtual Fridge ...

You'd think having one blog would be enough, wouldn't you? Well, I guess not.

(my ex-husband) will tell you that the way I get my frustrations out is to pull out my sketch pad and draw what's on my mind. Most of the time, the doodles involve a bear ... which, as I've long ago mentioned ... represents me.

So ... I thought, what's the harm? I'll post a few of them online. Some may have explanations ... some not need explanations. After all, I'm no Picasso ... and this isn't my Blue Period.

I'm calling my new drawing nook Bear Doodles. Now, trust me when I tell you that this is no hot spot for high art or professional sketches ... it is what its name implies ... bare doodles.

Anyhow, as I said, I mainly draw just as a (very kindergarten-ish) way for me to get my thoughts or frustrations on paper ... and the new blog is a place to store them. Think of it ... as my very own virtual refrigerator ... without the kitschy magnets.

So, I suppose we should start out with an introduction ...

This ... is Bear ...

It could be simple
My hand guide my pencil
My head is a mad child scribbling circles

Rocco Deluca & The Burden - Draw

Breaking News: Stocks in Aluminum Foil Skyrocket ...

Videos and messages on YouTube, blogs and UFO websites are buzzing with predictions that a vessel from the alien Federation Of Light will be visible in our skies for three days ... starting today.


... and I, for one, welcome our new alien overlords ...

For here
Am I sitting in a tin can
Far above the world
Planet Earth is blue
And there’s nothing I can do

David Bowie - Major Tom

Notes on a Debate ...

I am not a political blogger. In fact, when I first met (my ex-husband) back in 1995, I was completely oblivious. My first experience in a voting booth was voting for Bill Clinton in 1992 ... primarily because he played the saxophone on Arsenio Hall and wore boxers. Good reasons to vote for a candidate? No. Was I a responsible voter? Probably not. But MTV told me to "Rock The Vote" ... so ... I rocked the vote.

But over the years, it's slowly sunk in. I've become political by osmosis. (my ex-husband) was pretty sneaky about it and started small ... I think with the nightly news. These days, I can't go to sleep until Keith Olbermann has finished up his debate coverage.

So last night's debate? Well, I have surface impressions. Obama came off as cool and collected. McCain came off like an angry old man. I could just picture him, as president, yelling, "Hey you kids, get off my aircraft carrier."

I can't imagine what would compel John McCain to call a fellow senator "that one" ... it was arrogant and disrespectful. And, while I hesitate to comment on his physical appearance, due to the whole POW issue Senator McCain is so painfully bashful about, he didn't look ... well. He walked hunched over ... his body language was closed off and angry. He didn't appear comfortable ... and he didn't appear presidential.

But, here's what stuck with me about the whole evening. When the debate was over, Michelle and Barak Obama walked around the hall for quite awhile shaking hands and greeting people. In fact, they stayed long after McCain and company had, as Elvis would say, "left the building."

In any case, while the Blue Team was stumping for the win, John McCain walked over and shook a few hands while his wife, Cindy, stood with her hands firmly clasped behind her back. She did not shake hands or touch anyone.

Yes, I know the story. Earlier in the race, someone apparently shook poor Cindy's hand so hard at a rally that it broke her arm. If this story is accurate, she must have the bones of a bird. No matter the case, she came across as an elitist germaphobe last night.

I realize we aren't electing Cindy McCain any more than we're electing Michelle Obama. However, these women will be the diplomatic face of our country at many events. As a woman, and a partner, the mental image didn't sit well with me that Cindy will be a political Howie Mandel, stepping back with a "Whoa, don't touch me" attitude during her first state dinner at the White House.

Again, just surface impressions ...


Listen. I just wanted to say, y'know.
Whatever presidents say y'know.
Things like, er... the name of people and er, freedom
And I dunno. Democracy, stuff like that. Woo! Come on!

Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy - Vote Beeblebrox

CafeMom Asks: Could You Change a Tire?

Over at CafeMom, one of this week's journal suggestions gave me a good laugh. The topic was, "Could You Change a Tire?"

If the devil himself were standing behind me holding a spare tire and a set of lug nuts, let me assure you that car would still not be moving. There is a reason I spring for the AAA membership each year ... and it's not because of the 10% discount at Amtrak.

There are a few things in life that are simply not going to happen ... and, hey, I've learned to accept this. For instance, I will never climb Mt. Everest. I'm not physically fit and the thought of doing that much walking, especially at that sort of incline, just doesn't appeal to me. And let's be frank ... I don't like to be cold ... not that I'd be climbing Mt. Everest if it were a temperate 75 degrees. No. Mountain climbing is definitely out.

Along the same lines, I will never be on Survivor. As soon as Jeff Probst dumped my ample ass out of a helicopter in the middle of nowhere, I would sit on the ground and cry ... until he took me to the nearest Outback Steakhouse. Now, Big Brother ... THAT I could do. Sit in a house for three months and gossip about other people? Oh hell yeah, sign me up. But drop me in Gabon and tell me to race my ass up a cliff so I can grab this key or raise that flag? Um ... again ... where's the nearest Outback?

Which brings us back to ... changing a tire. It's not that I don't want to change a tire. Really, I do. I believe I might be able to get a couple of lug nuts off before collapsing in a sweaty heap on the side of I-55. But, common ... what's the point? In the end, a vehicle of some sort is going to be coming ... whether it's a tow-truck or an ambulance ... I'm not leaving there of my own accord.

And ... since I'm not leaving there of my own accord ... how's a Bloomin' Onion sound?


I'm just sitting here
Watching the wheels go round and round
I really love to watch them roll
No longer riding on the merry-go-round
I just had to let it go

John Lennon - Watching The Wheels

Baked Cod My Big White Ass

I am the Amy Winehouse of food. Whereas she can't say no to crack, I apparently can't say no to junk food. Whereas Amy Winehouse fears someone posting a YouTube of her lighting a crack pipe, I fear someone posting a clip of me popping a Chicken McNugget down my gullet. I have danced with the devil in the pale moonlight ... and the devil's is a clown named Ronald.

And you know who I blame for my inglorious tumble off the health food wagon? Rachel Ray. That's right ... I'm pointing my finger at the Food Network's very own Tasmanian devil of the kitchen. Why? Here's the story ...

So we've been trying to eat healthier for awhile.  We decided to take the next step and expand our menu ... first try? Cod. It's mild ... low in calories ... high in protein ... how could you go wrong? Enter Rachel Ray. I found a recipe on the Food Network's website. It looked easy, sounded tasty, and had a rating of 4 1/2 out of 5 stars. How could Rachel's minions lead me astray, right?

On a scale of 1 to 10 ... ten being it tastes SO good that the gods themselves must've pooped it out .. and one being it tastes like you've been raped by an epicurean demon ... this shit was a two ... and I'm being GENEROUS!

It was so bad that after two bites, we decided to visit the Golden Arches in an attempt to wipe this abomination from our minds and the taste out of our mouths. Is it the lack of a distinguished pallet on our part? Perhaps. Maybe I'm just a red meat kind of girl.

So tomorrow we'll get back in the saddle again. Tomorrow is another day after all ... but I've learned my lesson and the last place I'll turn for advice when it comes to what goes in my stove ... is America's cooking sweetheart.

I ain't got the time
And if my Daddy thinks I'm fine
They tried to make me go to rehab
And I say no no no

Amy Winehouse - Rehab

P.S. - Where have I been for a month? Twittering! Or would that be Tweeting ... in any case ...

Best State Fair Coverage Ever ...

I'm really enjoying the Channel 4 coverage of the Illinois State Fair Twilight Parade. All I can say is ... best ... year ... ever. I love it so much ... 


Seriously? I feel bad for the guys over at cable access ... this evening had to totally suck ass. No worries, guys ... if I really wanted to see local politicians glad handing the public, I would've walked my sizable ass down to the fairgrounds. It is ... all good. But ... honestly ... it is funny as hell!


Don't think that we don't know
Don't think that we're not trying
Don't think we move too slow
It's no use after crying
Saying
It's a mistake, it's a mistake
It's a mistake, it's a mistake

Men At Work - It's A Mistake

I Watched It Fall In Bullet-Time ...

What's going on with ThirtyWhat, you ask? ThirtyWhat has experienced a crushing blow which has caused her to develop, along with an apparent compulsion to speak in the third person, a neurotic aversion to touching electronic devices. What has happened?


This, my friends, is what happens when you drop a laptop from a height of about three feet. The problem, I believe, was not so much the height ... as was the corner of the coffee table it struck on the way down. What's that? You'd like a closer look? Of course.


Oh yes ... it looks like someone popped a cap in it's proverbial ass. And what is worse than this devastating accident ... is the cost to fix it. The estimate to repair my laptop, including a new LCD screen, labor, taxes, etc. is around $380. That's right ... nearly $400 for a split-second mistake.

And so, the moral of this story ... be sure your hands are dry before you pick up anything expensive. Damp or sweaty hands can be all that stands between you, your blog, and a computer repair bill that is worth approximately half the value of your item. It is, truly, enough to make me cry.


Wake up to a Sunny Day
Not a cloud up in the sky
And then it starts to rain
My defenses hit the ground
And they shatter all around
So open and exposed
But I found strength in the struggle
Face to face with my troubles

Lindsey Haun - Broken

Follow The Yellow Brick ARGH ...

I haven't posted in a few weeks ... and I have much to write ... but I do have one thing I have to get off my chest ...

What in the hell is the deal with the Wizard of Oz at Rotary Park? They're showing commercials for this every 5 minutes on every channel on Comcast. I didn't even know we had a Rotary Park in Springfield ... and now I can't escape the park or it's ubiquitous advertising.

What's the angle on this thing? Free movie ... free pizza ... free refreshments? Who is paying for the advertising? I can't find anything online about it. Why are they pushing this thing as though it's the second coming of Christ?

That damned commercial is driving me nuts ...

Follow the Yellow Brick Road. Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Follow, follow, follow, follow,
Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Follow the Yellow Brick, Follow the Yellow Brick,
Follow the Yellow Brick Road

The Wizard of Oz - We're Off To See the Wizard

Any Rock the Dock Fans Out There?

Calling all Springfieldians ... I need some info ... and unfortunately, I'm going to need it in the next six to eight hours. I'm only hoping someone is out there (on the 4th of July???) reading the Springfield bloglist ...

We're wanting to see "Rock the Dock" this year ... but we've got no interest in going to the Marina to party. Now, I haven't been out on the Lake in years ... but when I was growing up, my Dad would take me out on our boat and he'd usually launch at the docks off of 6th Street. There used to be picnic tables and such further down the launch area ... and I'm pretty sure that launch is across from the Marina.

So, my question ... can you see the fireworks anywhere else off the Lake? Or do you have to go to the Marina itself? Anyone got any suggestions or ideas? We want to try something new besides the usual downtown fare. If we went to the 6th Street launch (have no idea what exit that is ... but it's before Chatham) ... could we park somewhere down there and see the fireworks?

I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy,
Yankee Doodle do or die.
A real live nephew of my Uncle Sam,
I was born on the 4th of July.
I've got a Yankee doodle sweetheart,
she's my Yankee Doodle joy.
Yankee doodle came to London,
just to ride the ponies.
Say, I am a Yankee Doodle Boy

Yankee Doodle Dandy - Yankee Doodle Boy

Not That I'd Trade ...

So, I've been watching Jon & Kate + 8. It's a fascinating show on TLC giving us a peek into the daily life of the Gosselin family in Pennsylvania with a set of six-year-old twins and a set of four-year-old sextuplets. Whoa ... now there is a couple with their hands full.

Still ... as I was watching, I couldn't help thinking ... "All this on one salary?" Oh common ... they couldn't have paid for that elaborate Disney vacation ... or that skiing trip ... or the trips to Dutch Wonderland and the Crayola Factory and Hersey's Chocolate World and ... and the list goes on. What we're seeing is product placement on steroids.

I'm not denying them their right to earn a living ... even if it is off their kids' backs. Between the income from their TLC show, the product endorsements, and freebees, neither Jon nor Kate has to work outside the home. They have nannies and people who help with household chores like laundry and such. And you know what? Good for them. BUT ... if they want the show to continue being a success, they might want to consider treading lightly ...

Let's take the Disney vacation for example. Consider the expense of driving eight children to Disney World in Orlando. The trip itself would be a large chunk of change even if you're only looking at the basics of gas, food, and a couple of rooms at LaQuinta. But their trip was light years from basic.

The JK+8 brood stayed at the Animal Kingdom Lodge ... which is astronomically priced. They ate at Chef Mickey's ... had a private meet and greet with the princesses ... and, for me, the cherry ... make that cherries ... on top were the eight tiny sets of ears that were waiting for them on their beds ... already embroidered with their names when they arrived.

It makes for great television. But it doesn't take long to grasp the reality that they're you're no longer watching a "normal" family. There were no shots of them waiting 45 minutes to ride on Dumbo ... or shots of them getting eight Fast Passes for It's A Small World ... because those experiences no longer apply to them. They're VIPs now. Would anyone watch hour after hour of Kate doing laundry or the twins doing homework or the tups playing at the park? Maybe. Maybe not.

Still, I think I'd tune in just to watch and wait for one of Kate's infamous meltdowns. And, I suspect, if TLC took away the nannies and the personal trainers and the household help and the trips to Disney ... we might see a few more of those. And if you've seen her outburst at Toys R' Us, you know that is good television ...

See him drink from a bottle
See him eat from a plate
Cute cute as a button
Don't you wanna make him stay up late
And we're having fun with no money
Little smile on his face.
Don't cha' love the little baby
Don't you want to make him stay up late

Talking Heads - Stay Up Late

T.G.I.Obama

This image was on Drudge Report this morning ... and I can't help noticing that ... at first glance ... it looks like they're holding a press release at TGIFriday's.

I see this picture and think ... "Wow, it looks like Barak is really digging their new "Right Price Right Portion" menu." Or maybe he goes for their Fried Mac & Cheese?

Thank God it's Friday
Party lights, Friday night feelin' right
It's a party
Thank God it's Friday
Party lights, Friday night feelin' right
It's a party

R. Kelly - Thank God It's Friday

Overcoming Time, Space, and Objections

So this weekend, I saw two movies. The first was Wall*E ... which I'm sure we'll get to later. It's the second movie I want to talk about ... because, while Wall*E was great ... it's the second movie that fascinates me ...

Last night, TCM showed (uncut and commercial-free, I might add) Jimmy Stewart's Harvey. It was the first time I've ever seen this classic 1950 movie ... and it was ... pleasant. Pleasant is a word we don't use much anymore ... but a word that fits. Because, as Elwood P. Dowd would say,

"In this world, you must be oh-so-smart or oh-so-pleasant. Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. And you may quote me."

Wouldn't it be great to live like Elwood Dowd ... assuming the best of everyone ... even when given proof of the worst. In the first half of the film, you presume he's a simple-minded drunk who just happens to hallucinate a six foot rabbit instead of a pink elephant. But by the end, you understand that Harvey isn't a symptom of his personality ... Harvey is drawn to Elwood because of his personality.

I aspire to be Elwood Dowd ... kind and generous and ... yes ... pleasant. I don't necessarily want to see a giant pooka ... but if that's what it would take to live the peaceful, charmed life of Elwood Dowd ... well, then let me give you one of my cards.


Well, I've wrestled with reality
for 35 years, Doctor, and I'm happy to state
I finally won out over it.

Elwood P. Dowd - Harvey

Rest In Peace - Tim Russert

WASHINGTON - Tim Russert, NBC News’ Washington bureau chief and the moderator of “Meet the Press,” died Friday after a sudden heart attack at the bureau, NBC News said Friday. He was 58.

I really liked Tim Russert ... how very sad. Even sadder still for me ... since today is exactly three years since Dad passed away from heart failure. I guess I relate. My thoughts and prayers are with The Russert family.

If we get to see tomorrow
I hope it's worth all the wait
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

And I'll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

Boyz II Men - Hard to Say Goodbye

The Kennedy Curse ...

This tragic story has just hit the wires:

BOSTON - A cancerous brain tumor caused the seizure Sen. Edward M. Kennedy suffered over the weekend, doctors said Tuesday in a grim diagnosis for one of American politics' most enduring figures.

Doctors for the Massachusetts Democrat say tests conducted after Kennedy suffered a seizure this weekend show a tumor in his left parietal lobe. Preliminary results from a biopsy of the brain identified the cause of the seizure as a malignant glioma.

My prayers are with him and his family ... this has to be such a hard diagnosis to hear. I guess the Kennedy Curse marches on ...


I wanna be a Kennedy
I wanna be tall and handsome
I'd conquer the world
And you'd see it on television

Kill Hannah - Kennedy

Doritos New Demon Flavored Chips ...

On Friday mornings, this creepy dude comes and fills our office vending machines ... and, like good little lemmings, we all run over to see what the next week's offerings will be. Today we had a few new choices ... and for one brief moment that I suspect I will regret all day ... I lost my sanity and tried something new:

"Doritos Spicy Sweet Chili"
The emphasis should be on spicy ... not sweet. Spicy. I believe I've lost 25% of my tongue ... as the tip of it is burning uncontrollably. I've drank water, Mountain Dew, and Pedialyte ... don't ask ... someone at work offered me a small, cherry-flavored bottle and I was desparate ... and nothing is helping.

For the love of God ... what did they make these with ... sulfuric acid? I believe I'm losing the power of speech ...

Burn out the day
Burn out the night
I can't see no reason to put up a fight
I'm living for giving the devil his due
And I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning for you
I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning for you

Blue Oyster Cult - I'm Burning For You

Marching Ducks ...

So, it's almost Mother's Day ... and I think ... maybe ... I'm ready. We've celebrated this event with our moms in various ways over the years. Let's see ...

Mom and I have ridden up to Peoria to do the Par-A-Dice thing before. Mr. ThirtyWhat, the girls and I have hosted cookouts for both moms several years back. We've all gone to dinner. One year we did the breakfast thing. Seems like one year Dad and I maybe drove Mom down to Alton or St. Louis?

We're like everyone else, I suppose. Your plans automatically adjust based on what the kids are doing that weekend ... or based on which moms or grandmas can come at what time ... or based on if my brother decides to show up. Sigh. Life's just like that.

But this time around we're taking it easy. In the last couple years, going on these little riverboat road trips have started wearing me down. After a day trip like that, I really need a day to re-charge. If I'm not careful, I get run down ... my immune system dips ... and then ... pow. I end up sick. I'm not blaming Ameristar on my two week pneumonia experience ... but ...

Anyhow ... last year, Mom and I switched it up and went to lunch and a movie on Mother's Day. I think we even went shopping for a bit. It was a nice little change of pace ... something we'd never done before. I can't remember where we ate ... but I know we saw Georgia Rule. It was no where near the best movie I've ever seen ... but it was a chick flick. And just spending time with her was fun.

So this year, she's chosen "Baby Mama" as her flick of choice. I like Tina Fey ... I like Amy Poehler ... and ... I really like popcorn. So really ... what more could I ask for? I'm not sure where we'll do lunch ... seems like we may have gone to Lone Star last year ... maybe Fridays?

In the meantime, we need a few panels replaced on the privacy fence that goes across the driveway ... and the gate needs rebuilt. So I've got a call into our guy. Our lawn's been mowed once and now it's gone nuts. I've got dandelion stems high as an elephant's eye. Need to call our guy on that. We need to swap the battery out on the van and get it sold. I mean ... there are like 1,000 things on my plate ...

Just trying to get all these ducks in a row ...

All you life you had to stand in line
Still you're standing on your feet
All your choices made you change your mind
Now your calender's complete
Don't wait for answers
Just take your chances
Don't ask me why

Billy Joel - Don't Ask Me Why

A Few Political Thoughts ...

Are you as burned out on politics as I am?

I'm no Andrea Mitchell. No one will ever ask me to be on Meet the Press nor will my blog be picked up by Huffington. I do not know the name of the minister of Kazakhstan ... and I cannot seem to stop calling Myanmar Burma. All these things mean that I will not be in the White House Press Room at any point in the foreseeable future.

That being said ...

I ... am for Hillary Clinton. This may be because I'm white ... or a woman ... or of a "certain age." Bill Clinton, God love him, can't change my age or gender or race any more than he can change his wife's. But I don't believe that's why I've been supporting her.

While I begrudgingly admit that either Democratic nominee would be a better choice than McCain ... I believe Hillary is more qualified. She has more experience ... she's more eloquent ... and, when it comes down to brass tacks ... she's a much better politician.

Now, we all want to believe in this dream scenario where a perfect, unblemished individual will step forward with no political ties or cronies ... someone who has never scratched anyone else's back or agreed to do 'em a solid. We have this fantasy that someone will stand on the Capitol steps and say, "I'm gonna clean UP this place!" ... and really mean it.

But "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington" isn't reality. Statistically speaking, there should be at least one honest person ... in some public office ... somewhere. But after having dealt with local aldermen and public officials ... who are, let's face it, the lowest rung on the political ladder ... my hope for some kind of sea change is all but nil.

If Barak really is, as his supports believe, the agent of change that this country needs ... it would be the equivalent of winning the Mega Ball Lottery. Not impossible ... just highly, highly improbable.

I suppose I've become cynical enough to believe that by the time an individual reaches the highest office in the land, they're going to have to have a PHD in backscratching and bullshit. They're going to have to know which wheels to grease ... and have people with oil cans standing at the ready.

In any case ... I support Hillary. I want the chance to vote for her as president. However, again ... I'm a cynic ... and I suspect that at this point, the New York Times would need to publish photos, video, and DNA of Barak in bed with a dead girl or a live boy in order to stop his momentum.

I can see the writing on the walls ... and, unfortunately, I think the wind of change is blowing against us. I'm still rootin' for ya, Hill ...

The world closing in
Did you ever think
That we could be so close
Like brothers
The future's in the air
I can feel it everywhere
Blowing with the wind of change
Take me to the magic of the moment
On a glory night
Where the children of tomorrow dream away
In the wind of change

Scorpions - Wind of Change

Heads or Tails ... Mother

This is the first time I've participated in a Heads or Tails meme ... and this week's subject is "Mother." I thought about how I wanted to address the subject ... and here's what is most in my mind. Guys ... I guess this doesn't really apply to you ... sorry for that.

As women ... do we all turn into our mothers? Whether we want to or not? No matter how hard we try? I'm not saying this is necessarily a bad thing ... or necessarily a good thing. I suppose if your madre was the American equivalent of Mother Teresa, then yes ... you would strive to emulate her. If your mother, on the other hand, was Bonnie Parker, then no ... you'd probably try to hit the ground a bit farther away from that tree.

As I was growing up, my great-grandmother was ... eccentric. She was probably already losing her marbles from the point I remember. As you get older, childhood memories are so ... vague ... like looking through gauze. I remember her as loving ... if difficult ... not so much on me, of course ... but I seem to remember my mother and grandmother struggling to take care of her and her quirks.

My grandmother was ... eccentric. Loving ... if difficult. She was very religious ... a little intolerant to that end. She had a routine ... her life was a schedule that she lived by and enjoyed. Watching Cardinal games and soap operas ... drinking Pepsi. Again ... vague memories of someone I perceive as a good, caring person.

She, however, like her mother before her ... became flaky. She forgot names and people. She was ... eccentric. She liked things a certain way and became upset if they changed. Something small ... say the fact that the makers of Ensure slightly changed their bottles' shape and size at one point ... would throw her world into a spin. My aunt brought her a couple dozen eggs once ... and it worried her to no end. She couldn't possibly use two dozen eggs and they had to leave her home ... immediately.

My mother at the time said ... "Tell me, if I begin to act like her." Several years later, I reminded her of this request ... and, as I recall, she was not amused.

My mother ... is loving ... and eccentric. She has a unique sense of humor, like me. The scales of perception, for me, seem to change as I get older. When I was in my late teens, I would've told you she had more bad qualities than good ... and this has shifted ... to where I would now tell you she has far, far more good qualities than bad. And ... I suspect her bad qualities are more my bad qualities than hers ... more reflections on my lack of patience than on her personality.

And I tell my (ex-husband) ... "Tell me, if I begin to act like her." And he has. There are times he will say, "The "Smith Gene" is coming out in you" ... and I try not to take offense. Because sometimes it does.

And so ... is this the pattern? It is ... in the end ... inescapable? I will be eccentric ... set in my ways ... funny and loving ... if difficult at times. I will forget things? People? Names? Each woman was very different ... yet each woman shared traits. Strong traits. And so I drink my Pepsi ... and take inventory.


Mother mother
Can you hear me
I'm just calling to say hello
How's the weather
How's my father
Am I lonely heavens no
Mother mother
Are you listening
Just a phone call to ease your mind
Life is perfect
Never better
Distance making the heart grow blind

Tracy Bonham - Mother Mother

The 2008 Blockbuster Season Begins ...

So we went and saw Iron Man on Sunday.

I ... am not a comic book fan boy. Well, I'm not a boy at all, but you understand my gist. I didn't read any kind of comic books growing up ... and the whole super hero mythos really doesn't do much for me. I'm not sure if that's a guy thing or what ... I don't see too many women sitting around comparing and contrasting Doc Ock versus the Green Goblin.

But ... for me, Iron Man boiled down to this. I can't see Robert Downey, Jr. as anyone other ... than Robert Downey, Jr. Don't get me wrong ... he's great. He's fun to watch. But he IS who he IS. For me, he is forever frozen in time as Julian ... the tortured junkie from Less Than Zero. For years I thought his acting in that movie was amazing ... in retrospect, maybe the drug-induced angst was a little more real than we would've wanted to believe.

But I digress. The point is ... drugs and drama and court appearances aside ... Tony Stark is just Robert Downey, Jr. with striking facial hair. To me, at least. 94% of critics on Rotten Tomatoes would disagree ... as would the two 40-year-old fan boys sitting next to me who giggled like 10-year-old school girls every time Tony Stark uttered a line.

It was fun ... but then again, I'm a movie fan in general. So, as with everything else in life, take my opinions with a large ... large ... grain of salt.

It's your one way ticket to midnight
Call it Heavy Metal
Higher than high
Feelin' just right
Call it Heavy Metal
Desperation on a red line
Call it Heavy Metal noise

Sammy Hagar - Heavy Metal

I'm Back ... If a Little Worse For the Wear ...

So for two weeks, I had pneumonia ... and (my ex-husband) had bronchitis. As you can imagine, our house was a cacophony of bone-rattling coughs ... the modern-day equivalent of a TB colony. Our coffee table was a scattered mess of Kleenex boxes, various inhalers, antibiotics, steroids, and syrups. I had mixtures with codeine ... some with vicodin ... one pill makes you larger and one pill makes you small, dear Alice.

I was blessed. I had a couple weeks of leave saved up and basically spent the timekeeper's equivalent of a nice summer vacation alternating between laying on the couch in a phlegm-filled stupor and sitting in a doctor's office paying yet another co-pay to be told, "Hmmm ... well, that one didn't seem to help, did it?"

What's shocking for me though ... now that I'm on the other side ... is that we spent over $300 in the last two weeks in co-pays and medicine. People ... I have great insurance. Really. Even with (what I consider to be) a low $15 co-pay ... I went in four times so there's $60 right there. One of the inhalers I had to take (which, I assure you was one of the few things keeping me alive) ... was over $40. And that's AFTER insurance paid in.
I simply can't begin to imagine how we would've coped if I'd had no insurance. The obvious answer is that you don't go to the doctor four times in two weeks ... but this wasn't a matter of me wanting professional hand-holding.

The first time, I simply was sick and was coughing. I was told it was a virus and to go home. The second time, my fever was 102 and my lungs were rattling like maracas. They gave me medicine. The third time, I was coughing up chihuahua-sized chunks of lung. They gave me more medicine. The last time, I was a little better ... but since the antibiotics were finished, they claimed they needed to see me again and do a chest x-ray to confirm I would survive. And yes, they prescribed more medicine.

We are both on the other side now ... I'm finishing up the Prednisone and last few days of Levaquin.


I get weak when I look at you
Weak when we touch
I can't speak when I look in your eyes
I get weak when you're next to me
Weak from this love
I can't speak when I look in your eyes
I get weak

Belinda Carlisle - I Get Weak

ThirtyWhat's Friday Game Grab ...

Last Friday, I brought you the joy of "You Have To Burn The Rope" ...

Unfortunately, some of you (I'm talking to you, College One) did not enjoy "You Have To Burn The Rope." I have no idea how this could happen ...

But, every day dawns with new possibilities ... and so, once again, I offer you a Friday game for your amusement ...

This time, your selection is called: These Little Pigs

Once again, it's not the game so much as it's the music. I find it very zen ... give it a try.

It's good ... but it's no "You Have To Burn The Rope" ...

Congratulations
You managed to kill that boss you see
The Grinning Colossus
You're the hero we all wish we could be

Love Theme To "You Have To Burn The Rope"

Yay! I'm Part of the Crowd ...

Woo hoo, baby! I felt that one!

We were sitting on break and my friend noticed the office plants wiggling ... and within seconds I felt the table start vibrating. I was a senior in high school the last time I felt an earthquake ...

Crazy, man ... crazy ...

She was shaking
(Oh, oh, oh, oh)
Snapping her fingers
(Oh, oh, oh, oh)
She was moving
(Oh, oh, oh, oh)
Round and round
That girl was shaking
(Oh, oh, oh, oh)

Eddie Money - Shakin'

I Must Slip Into a Coma ...

Damn, people ... am I the only one in Springfield who didn't wake up to this morning's seismic waves? Everyone in the blogging community awoke to find their houses shaking at 4 a.m. ... and, as usual, I slept until the alarm went off at 6 o'clock.

You know ... God help me if we're attacked by aliens or the rapture comes ... because I will be totally oblivious.

That's great, it starts with an earthquake,
Birds and snakes, an aeroplane
Lenny Bruce is not afraid

REM - It's the End of the World

Put the Phone Down and Step Away ...

Here is ThirtyWhat's pet peeve of the week ...

Why do people find it necessary to talk
on their cellphones while in the grocery store?
Now, I'm not talking about the 30 second calls that go like this:

"Oh hey! Yeah, I'm in Walmart ...
I'll be home in about an hour or so.
Okay ... see ya!"
Oh no ... I'm talking about the people who are so emotionally needy that they can't complete their grocery shopping without talking on their cell phone through the entire store. I'm serious ... it's as if they're "virtually" shopping with someone else.

There was a woman shopping on Saturday that managed to piss off everyone in the grocery area of Walmart. She was dressed very smartly ... in her mid-40's ... looked intelligent ... and yet, couldn't close that phone to save her life.

I heard bits and pieces as we passed her in the cleaning supply isle, "... but I told her I wasn't going because ..." and the cookie isle, "... I know! I told them that I'd meet them ..." and the tuna isle, "... I tried to get it done before we ..."

She cut people off and ran into their carts ... oblivious to the world around her. But what really chaffed my ass was when I had to wait behind her to get my groceries as she said, "Hey, I'm in the pasta isle now ... what kind of sauce should I get? No, I don't like mushrooms ... what about Ragu? No, Prego is too sweet ..."

FUCK ME! Are you kidding? You couldn't have this conversation at HOME? Are you really that incapable of being by yourself ... or do you just hate the sound of your own thoughts? Or maybe, just maybe, if you're that needy you should ask someone to go with you.

Needless to say ... we will not be having pasta this week.


I'm in the phone booth, it's the one across the hall
If you don't answer, I'll just ring it off the wall
I know he's there, but I just had to call
Don't leave me hanging on the telephone
Don't leave me hanging on the telephone

Blondie - Hanging on the Telephone

You Have To Burn The Rope ...

Take a journey with me ... back ... back in time.

Back to when video games were video games ... and controllers had two buttons ... one jumped, one fired ... and that's all you needed.

Remember staying up all night just to beat Mario Bros? Better yet ... remember beating ZELDA? OMIGOD ... the thrill of finding the last Tri-Force piece and saving Princess Zelda?

Now most games (with the exception of Guitar Hero) are a marathon exercise in futility. We've discussed this around the house and it's obviously an age thing.

The girls are completely comfortable with hitting five buttons at once ... opening their inventory while doing a backflip over the enemy while energizing their weapon. Meanwhile, I play the same game and College One ends up spending the evening yelling, "Hit the square ... the pink square ... THE ONE ON YOUR LEFT."

New games (again, with the exception of Guitar Hero) are just too hard for geezers like me. A couple years ago, we bought "Destroy All Humans" for Mr. ThirtyWhat and, like every other game, I could only make it through about the first three levels. I got so frustrated that I finally looked online and got a cheat. People ... even in god mode I couldn't beat the game. Seriously ... GOD MODE. How hard is a game when you can't beat it while being invincible???

But ... all that's changed now.

I give you ... "You Have To Burn The Rope" ... the perfect game ... with the perfect ending. Play it ... and relive the golden days of Mario when you actually got to see the ending of a game.

Be sure you stick around for the song ... the song is what makes it. Afterwards ... maybe watch a video ... or press refresh and start again.

Look at me still talking
When there's science to do
When I look out there
It makes me glad I'm not you
I've experiments to run
There is research to be done
On the people who are still alive

Jonathan Coulton - Still Alive

Bueller ... Bueller ...

OMIGOD ... I am so mad. I suppose I can only be mad at myself ... but that doesn't make it any better.

So this weekend, I looked online to see who won the 2008 Movie Quotes Quiz over at the SJ-R.

Curt Hill of Springfield was the grand-prize winner ... and, as The Almighty Tallest would say ... "Good for you." That isn't what made me mad ... although I would've loved to win 24 movie passes.

The SJ-R listed the 14 other entrants who got 50 out of 50 correct ... and then listed all the correct answers. I looked them over ... and ... what?

I got all 50 right! Wait? So where the hell was my name? You have to be freaking kidding me right? I was burbling. But, since I left my answer sheet at work, I had to wait until Monday to vindicate my rightful place in the list.

Er ... or not.

Want to know my (assumed) fatal flaw? Bueller? Bueller?

Ferris Bueller's Day Off ... is not "Ferris Bueller." UGH! DAMNIT! How stupid was that? I also entered "Jennifer 8" as "Jennifer Eight" ... so maybe that counted against me too. I'm telling you one thing ... next year, I'm going to IMDB and double checking each and every one of my answers.

Ugh ... I don't mind not winning. I do mind making stupid mistakes.

Or did I miss again
I think I missed again oh
Or did I miss again
I think I missed again oh

Phil Collins - I Missed Again

One Common Side Effect of PKD ...

I've never made a secret out of the fact that I have PKD. If anything, I wish I could shout it from the rooftops so that anyone who ever hears this diagnosis wouldn't feel so alone.

Well, one of the common side effects of PKD is frequent UTIs. For the lucky uninitiated out there, UTI is short for urinary tract infection. It's an infection caused by bacteria in the bladder, kidneys or the cysts themselves. UTIs may also be known as cystitis if the infection is limited to the bladder and pyelonephritis when the infection has spread up into the kidney itself.

UTIs, in general, are quite common, but they're much more frequent in those with PKD. To complicate matters, there is an association between frequent UTIs and worsening kidney function ... which is the worst possible outcome.

So, the minute someone with PKD feels that first twinge ... the first sign of burning or pain ... or blood in the urine ... they should run, not walk, to their doctor. I ... however, am the hardest headed women in Central Illinois.

I knew something was wrong. I've known for days. The most common symptom for me is blood in the urine ... and it's pretty darned obvious so there's no excuse for my not calling days ago. Other than denial.

Today it was finally unbearable ... and, after running in for a pee test, it was confirmed. Severe UTI. They've called in Cipro and want me to re-test in a week.

Gosh I'm really down about this. I asked nurse Tracy ... who is an angel by the way ... what may have caused it this time. What should I be doing different? She explained that when the kidney cysts break, that fluid has to go somewhere. The internal cysts are the worst because the fluid empties directly into the kidneys and passes through the bladder ... and that fluid frequently starts the infection.

I know ... I know ... TMI. No one wants to talk about urine ... or bladders ... or cysts ... gosh even the word "fluid" is kinda skeevy isn't it? But for people with PKD and their family members ... this is just another day in paradise.

Oh think twice
It's another day for you and me in paradise
Oh think twice
It's just another day for you
You and me in paradise

Phil Collins - Another Day In Paradise

I Have Seen the Future and It Is Comcast ...

Like every other Central Illinois resident, I've moved my e-mail over from Insight to Comcast. So, if you need to get ahold of me, please e-mail ThirtyWhat@Comcast.net.

Stop
Oh yes, wait a minute Mister Postman
Wait
Waaaaaaait Mister Postman

The Carpenters - Mr. Postman

Calling All Movie Lovers ...

God, I love movies. In my book, even a bad movie is better than no movie at all. And so the SJ-R's Movie Quote Quiz is right up my alley.

This year, I think I've got all of them but this one:

"Ground you? You stole an airplane from the Air Force.
You had a girl and an open bottle
of champagne in the cockpit."

God, it sounds familiar ... but I just can't come up with it. It has to be a movie that deals with flying ... as he's being grounded ... after stealing an airplane. It can't be Top Gun ... that'd be way too easy.

I've got until tomorrow to come up with the answer ... if not, I guess I'll just take a leap of faith and guess at it.

Anyone have any ideas? I'll be willing to share if you're stuck on one ...

Stuck on you
Ive got this feeling down
Deep in my soul
That I just cant lose
Guess I'm on my way

Lionel Richie - Stuck On You

I Am Not Legend

Ever notice that when you aren't feeling good ... when you really don't want to "chat" ... that's when everyone wants to kibitz?

Ever notice that when you really don't want to move ... when you want to sit quietly at your desk ... that's when everyone needs on site support?

It's true ...

Huh huh huh hu-uh huh
I know this much is true
Huh huh huh hu-uh huh
I know this much is true

Spandau Ballet - True

Festering Pits of Disease

Man, I've been gone awhile. Last Sunday morning around 3 a.m., I started praying to the porcelain god and, even once that unpleasantness had passed, I still felt like crap.

Therefore, I drove my sorry ass over to Prompt Care. I got there around 8:04 a.m. ... four minutes after they opened for business ... and there were already ten to fifteen people ahead of me. Ugh.

I don't know why I even bother going. Even though I pay good money to go, I always feel uneasy about the experience ... embarrassed ... as if I'm going to Prompt Care because my real doctor won't see me. Not true ... I didn't even call to see if they had open appointments. But in any case, I always feel dirty ... like I'm sitting in some free clinic waiting for results from an STD test.

The doctor said my heaving and aching was just a virus, which I suspected ... but no flu, which was a relief. He did give me something for nausea and that seemed to help.

And what did I learn from this experience? That riverboat casinos are a festering pit of disease, or so says Dr. McDreary at Springfield Clinic.

He asked if I'd been anywhere I would've been exposed to viruses ... was I a teacher? No, I answered ... but I did go to Par-A-Dice with my Mom on Easter Sunday. You would've thought I told him that I went out and rolled in pig shit.

He told me there was no telling what I was exposed to ... that casinos are festering pits of disease ... and that if I had to go in the future, to take Purell wipes and make sure I wiped down every machine I touched.

I'd never thought of it that way before, but he's right ... you are touching machines that hundreds of other people have touched and God only knows what they're carrying.

Now I'm starting to feel like that Monk guy ...

I wanna jump but I'm afraid I'll fall
I wanna holler but the joint's too small
Young man rhythm's got a hold of me too
I got the rockin' pneumonia and the boogie woogie flu

Johnny Rivers - Rockin' Pneumonia and the Boogie Woogie Flu

Happy St. Patrick's Day ... er ... Or Is It?

Happy St. Paddy's Day ... unless you're an Irish Catholic, in which case you best stop your shenanigans now. The church apparently decided at some point that the holiday had to be celebrated last Saturday so as not to conflict with Holy Monday. From the article ...

In a letter last fall, the Catholic Diocese of Columbus told the Shamrock Club, the group that organizes the parade, that Bishop Frederick Campbell wanted "all observances honoring St. Patrick" -- religious or otherwise -- removed from Holy Week.

"It's not a sin to celebrate your Irish culture," countered Mark Dempsey, the club's president.

"Actually, you're born Irish first," he said, "and then you're baptized Catholic."

Just so we're clear ... our Catholic fathers basically said, "Hey, go out and get as trashed as you want ... but ... could you do it two days earlier? That'd be great. Thanks." I've never been more proud.

We're as stubborn as mules
With our blood on fire
When we ain't at Sunday mass
We'll look any man straight in his eyes and say
Kiss my Irish ass!
You better kiss my Irish ass!

Flogging Molly - Kiss My Irish Ass

How Many Of Me?

Have you guys seen this website?

I obviously searched on my real name ... not ThirtyWhat ... and this, is what I found out. Man ... I am fucking special ...

HowManyOfMe.com

There are 0 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

Cause I'm gonna make you see
There's nobody else here
No one like me
I'm special
So special
I gotta have some of your attention
Give it to me

Pretenders - Brass In Pocket

"Catholicism Wow!"

Maybe you're Catholic. Maybe you just like Brad Pitt movies. Either way, nearly everyone has heard of the seven deadly sins. Most of us have committed one or two. Hey, some of us have favorites.

As a refresher, here are the original deadly sins:

1. Pride
2. Envy
3. Gluttony
4. Lust
5. Anger
6. Greed
7. Sloth

But now, in the age of Buddy Christ, it's time for a newer hipper seven sins. The Vatican has put together a new list of sins that we, as modern people, should better relate to. Welcome to the New Seven Deadly Sins:

1. Environmental pollution
2. Genetic manipulation
3. Accumulating excessive wealth
4. Inflicting poverty
5. Drug trafficking and consumption
6. Morally debatable experiments
7. Violation of fundamental rights of human nature

Bishop Gianfranco Girotti, head of the Apostolic Penitentiary, said in an interview yesterday, "You offend God not only by stealing, taking the Lord's name in vain or coveting your neighbor's wife, but also by wrecking the environment, carrying out morally debatable experiments that manipulate DNA or harm embryos." The Apostolic Penitentiary is the body that oversees confessions.

I, for one, am fucking thrilled at this new list. Ask yourself this: How many times a day am I pissed off or tired or sitting there with a bag of M&Ms in my hand? How many times have I been envious of friend's new cell phone or iPod? How many times have I felt proud while driving around in my new car? Well according to the old list ... you're going to hell, my friend.

Now ask yourself this: How many times a day have I experimented with stem cells? How many times have I tried new cloning techniques? How many times today have I fretted over my excessive wealth? How many times have I dealt drugs? Wait, you don't have a secret meth lab or stem cell research facility in your basement? Congratulations! Heaven awaits. Here's your t-shirt.

It's a whole lot easier for me to steer clear of the new, slicker sins than those old ones. Unfortunately the old ones are still in effect ... so we're not totally off the hook.

Still ... I just can't wait to see the new Ten Commandments! You just know "File Sharing" is going to be on there ...

Envy and its evil twin
It crept in bed with slander
Idiots they gave advice
But sloth it gave no answer
Anger kills the human soul
With butter tales of lust
While Pavlov's Dogs keep chewin'
On the legs they never trust

Flogging Molly - Seven Deadly Sins

Just My Two Cents ...

Bashing Walmart is fashionable these days ... and I supposes it's amusing to make fun of people and make yourself feel superior in the process. You know what? I'm sick of hearing it.

You want to bash Walmart on the fact that it drives mom and pop businesses out of town? That's fine. Wanna talk about union busting? That's fine too. There are probably a hundred reasons to refuse to go to Walmart. Believing you're better than other people who shop there is a pretty piss poor choice.

I suspect though ... that maybe ... just maybe some of those "haters" visit the big box store on the down low. I bet they sneak down to their basements, slip on their very own "Who Farted" tee, don a wig and the darkest sunglasses they can find, and take that drive of shame to Wally World.

Oh yeah, they like being seen buying their groceries at Schnucks. But when they need something ... I mean really need something ... I bet they go slumming.

Is that 47" Phillips HDTV in their den from Best Buy? Is it really? Well then congratulations are in order. They just paid $100 extra for the same television in the desperate hope that one of their co-workers or neighbors will see them walking out of a west-end electronics store with a flat screen. Meanwhile, others walked out of Walmart with the same television and saved $100.

What happened to this culture? Years ago, we laughed at people who put on airs and willingly paid more for the same item you could get for less. Now, it's the complete opposite and Walmart shoppers are supposed to feel ashamed because they pay less for their toothpaste and soap.

Am I just being naive? Maybe everyone is like this. Maybe everyone likes making someone else feel bad. Maybe there are Walmart loving bloggers out there saying, "Damn, have you seen Aldi's? That place is filthy! And the people that go there? They're all dirty and nasty ... and they all wear t-shirts that say, "I Farted."

If it makes you happy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you happy
Then why the hell are you so sad

Sheryl Crow - If It Makes You Happy

How To Tell When You're Old ...

When local bloggers are posting their Spring Break To Do Lists and they include "Getting A Tan" and "Going to Florida" ...

And you? You are spending "spring break" posting about your quest for Girl Scout Cookies.

I was cool once, folks ... really ...

Glory days
Well they'll pass you by
Glory days
In the wink of a young girl's eye
Glory days
Glory days

Bruce Springsteen - Glory Days

Wherefore Art Thou Cookies?

For years there were three people in my office whose daughters sold Girl Scout Cookies. It was always awkward because if you ordered from one ... you better have ordered from the others. And hey, that wasn't too terribly bad ... because really, who doesn't want more Thin Mints, right?

Well, over the years, their girls have grown up and left Girl Scouts ... and I, therefore, am left without a dealer. Normally, that's fine ... because every weekend, there are Girl Scouts pimping out their cookies at Walmart's front door.

Until this weekend ...

Before we even left to do our grocery shopping on Sunday, I looked to see if I had cash on me.  I didn't.  But that was okay ... I could always ask for cash back when we checked out.

There wasn't a need ... because when we pulled up, the front door was empty. There wasn't a Girl Scout in site. There wasn't even a table where a Girl Scout might sit in the future. Nothing. Oh well ... cest la vie.

But ...

When we left the store with our mighty, mighty haul ... there they were. The little cookie-selling tricksters were out there ... their table spread with all the baked goodness of the rainbow. But, as I'd gotten no cash back ... I still couldn't buy any cookies.

Fine.

We went home, unloaded said mighty, mighty haul and discovered we were missing a bag. All of our bread goods were awol ... and a quick call to Walmart confirmed that we'd missed a bag on the spinning wheel of groceries.

Why drive clear back across town to get four dollars worth of bread that I could've bought at Shop n Save right up the street? Why the cookies of course! I had a devious plan to pick up my bag at customer service, hit the ATM machine, and then pick up a couple boxes of caramel, coconut joy.

Unfortunately ... I ... am cursed.

As I drove up, I saw that once again, they were gone. No Girl Scouts or table in sight. Sigh.

Sometimes you just have to face the fact that something is not meant to be. If you feel like you're swimming upstream ... you're going the wrong way.


Against the wind
I'm still runnin' against the wind
Well I'm older now and still runnin'
Against the wind

Bob Seger - Against The Wind

R.I.P. - Jeff Healey

Guitar wizard Norman Jeff Healey of Toronto died Sunday of cancer. He was 41. Healey was considered a prodigy and earned numerous Juno and Grammy nominations in the course of his career.

He lost both his eyes to retinoblastoma before he was eight months old, but never let that slow him down. "What we've lost is a virtuoso musician," said Richard Flohil, Healey's publicist. "He followed his own passion, which oddly enough was not playing blues rock music, but playing classic rock jazz."

So very sad ... I thought his music was touching. Rest in peace, Jeff.

So tonight I'll ask the stars above,
"How did I ever win your love?"
What did I do?
What did I say,
To turn your angel eyes my way?

The Jeff Healey Band - Angel Eyes

It's a World of Laughter ...

Where has ThirtyWhat been? Why, at the Happiest Place On Earth, of course! No ... wait ... that's in California. I've been at the most Magical Place on Earth. Either way though, it totally rocks.

We went down to Orlando to see our girl ... you may know her as "Idiots Anonymous" since that's what she goes by when she posts here. She's in Disney's College Intern Program and doing really well.

The plan was to visit her in March ... but it just wasn't meant to be.  We got to spend a lot of time with her. She works at their Fantasmics show ... and, let me tell you, it is breathtaking. Even if she didn't work on the show, I would've thought it was incredible ... but knowing that she's been up on top of that mountain getting Mickey into costume ... well that was amazing.

She took us to Magic Kingdom and Animal Kingdom and The Studios (formally known as MGM) ... and it's so much fun walking through the parks with her. It's like having your own personal Disney tour guide! She knows what to avoid and what not to miss. She made sure we were at the perfect spot for parades and fireworks ... seriously ... she made it a blast.

I'll be writing shortly about our Disney adventure ... just wanted to check in. Did I mention it was 74 degrees in Orlando the morning we left? The weather around here just blows.


We'll sing in the sunshine
We'll laugh every da-a-y
We'll sing in the sunshine
Then I'll be on my way

Gale Garnett - We'll Sing In The Sunshine

Super Bowl Rewind

If you missed any of yesterday's Super Bowl commercials, check out this link.

AOL offers each ad in order and sorted into the Quarter in which they appeared. Very cool.

And the ThirtyWhat Super Bowl Commercial VIP Award goes to ... Pepsi! For allowing me to watch Justin Timberlake get knocked in the head and repeatedly hit in the nuts all in one 30 second commercial. God, just thinking about it brings a tear to my eye.

It's the eye of the tiger
It's the thrill of the fight
Rising up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor
Stalks his prey in the night
And he's watching us all in the eye of the tiger

Survivor - Eye Of The Tiger
Note: Why "Eye of the Tiger" you ask? In rememberance of a past commercial that kicked ass. Let's all thrust our fists into the air in honor of "ROY! ROY ROY ROY!"

2008 Super Bowl Commercials - Ver. 7.0

Planters Peanuts - Ugly Girl - God! Insulting much? And you know what? I don't have a uni-brow ... or a huge wart on my face ... but just for that ... I'm not buying Planters. Fuck you, peanut man. - B

T-Mobile - Charles Barkley - Just another reason that your friends shouldn't have 24/7 access to you. I'm just saying. - B

Pepsi - Justin Timberlake - OMIGOD ... I would've paid to see Justin Timberlake get the shit beat out of him ... and they give it away for free? Come here, Pepsi ... lemme give you a hug. LOL - A++

Doritos - Mouse Trap - What the HELL? This guy has people dressed as giant mice in his walls? Huh? Okay, fine ... I'll admit it. I laughed. - C+

2008 Super Bowl Commercials - Ver. 6.0

CareerBuilder.com - I Quit - I can't tell you how much I love this commercial. It speaks to me. The little heart goes ... "I QUIT" and then leaves. Who hasn't felt that way at work once in awhile? - A

Life Water - Thriller - Dancing lizards? To Thriller? WTF? Seriously ... WTF? - D

Yukon Hybrid - Never Say Never - As Mr. ThirtyWhat pointed out ... how depressing. That's life in a microcosm ... you never stop pushing that bolder up the hill. Is your Yukon going to make that easier? I doubt it. - D

Bud Light - Accents - Um, wanna know the truth? Women really do love men with accents. It's true. But ... not to that extent. - B

2008 Super Bowl Commercial - Ver. 5.0

Budweiser - Horse Training - How cute was that? Not as cute as the mule with the mucklucks, of course ... but cute nonetheless. - B+

Corolla - Living The Dream - Wow ... that was ODD. I'm speechless about how odd this commercial is. A badger suckling it's young in a Corolla? Did they really pay millions for this? - C

Garmin - Napoleon - I want a Garmin ... and ... I want that car. - B+

2008 Super Bowl Commercials - Ver. 4.0

G2 - Gatorade - Blech - I got nothing out of it and have no desire to buy Gatorade. In the interest of fairness, I must admit ... I don't normally have the desire to buy Gatorade. - D

GoDaddy.com - Wardrobe malfunction. Wow. That is so clever. It's too bad that sarcasm isn't as cutting and obvious online. - D

Dell Laptop - I've never personally had it happen, but I can only imagine that a cop slapping your ass would not make you feel like a celebrity. Also, doesn't really make me want to buy a Dell. - C

FedEx - Monster Carrier Pidgeon - One of the best of the night! That was a hoot, man ... especially when you see the monster pidgeon picking over that semi? - A

Cars.Com - Circle of Death - Cute ... but I can see how online ads are going to get old really quick. - B-

Tide To Go - Talking Stain - Funny, man! Makes ya think ... thank GOD I carry one with me at all times. LOL - A

2008 Super Bowl Commercials - Ver 3.0

Bridgestone Tires - Screaming Squirrel - OMIGOD ... was that cute or what? I'm going out tomorrow and buying Bridgestone Tires JUST because of this ad. Congratulations, guys ... marketing does work. - A+

Doritos - Biggest Stage - Chick Singing - Meh. God love her ... good for you. Hope you go far. Not my thing. - C

On A Side Note: I cannot get the tune out of my head from the commercial for FreeCreditReport.com ... you know the one with the guys driving around in the Gremlin? It goes like this:

Well I was shopping for a new car
Which one's me
A cool convertible or an SUV
Too bad I didn't know my credit was whack
Cause now I'm driving off the lot in a used subcompact
F-r-e-e that spells free
Credit report dot com baby
Saw their ads on my tv
Thought about going but was too lazy
Now instead of looking fly and rolling phat
My legs are sticking to the vinyl
And my posse's getting laughed at
F-r-e-e that spells free
Credit report dot com baby
There's also an ad with the guys singing in a Joe's Crabshack kinda place. Um, this has no relevence or connection to the Super Bowl. It's just been stuck in my head for days now ... and I thought I'd share.

2008 Super Bowl Commercials - Ver 2.0

Diet Pepsi Max - What Is Love?- This was going for a strong C ... but then Chris Kattan showed up in the end and it shot way up. What can I say? I'm fickle. - A-

Sales Genie Cartoon - Wha Huh? Is it me or was the whole Indian thing kinda racist? It's probably just me. Sucked anyway. - C-

Bud Light - Cheese Party - Clever. Little sexist ... but ... clever. I've always wondered what you guys do off by yourselves at parties. Who knew? - B+

Under Armour - The Future is Ours - Um ... in a word? Creepy. I'm glad to know sports-loving cyborgs are going to take over in the future. Now I'm gonna go order me a pizza. Plus ... as a side note ... does Under Armour not sound more than a little like "underarm" ... somebody in R&D should've picked up on that way before the million dollar Super Bowl ad. - C

2008 Superbowl Commercials - Ver. 1.0

Bud Light - Ability To Breath Fire - Hmmmn ... I would've thought this was hilareous ... if I hadn't seen the Dairy Queen Flamethrower commercial about a thousand times. I love those. When that guy screams ... man, I laugh everytime. - B+

Audi - Godfather Homage - Seriously? That's kind of obscure isn't it? Is anyone under thirty going to "get" this ad? Then again, is anyone under thirty going to be able to afford a luxury Audi? - B

Pet Peeve #1

What is it with fast food? For years, whenever I'd go to a drive-thru and ask for a small Coke ... I would inevitable get a Diet-Coke.

I'd take this as a not-so-subtle statement on my physical fitness ... but nine times out of ten, the person who hands you the drink is neither the person who takes your order nor the person who takes your money.

What drives me up a wall about this is that I would drink nearly anything else. Cherry Coke? Fantastic. Root beer? Cool! Sprite? Amazing! Anything ... but ... Diet ... Coke.

What the fuck? Is this some sort of inside joke at fast food restaurants? Anyone who orders Coke gets a Diet? And then they just laugh like hell?

The worst part of this is that I'm trying to break myself of sweets. So I only have soft drinks on rare occasions ... and when I finally decide to have one as a treat ... and I get a Diet Coke ... it totally ruins my morning!

Yes, I know ... I should learn to taste it before I put my foot on that gas pedal. And someday I will learn ... unfortunately, that day was not today.

I'd like to buy the world a home and furnish it with love
Grow apple trees and honey bees, and snow white turtle doves
I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony
I'd like to buy the world a Coke and keep it company

New Seekers - I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing