Fix It

Today was hard ... a thousand times harder than yesterday.  It hit me hard last night that she was really gone.  In the midst of everything bad ... something kind of wonderful happened yesterday.  When I was laying in bed last night, all I could think was ... I want to tell her.  I want to tell her.  She would've responded in typical fashion by saying ... "Two things ... first, I'm so happy for you ... second, damn you sure took your sweet time."

That's how she was ... loving ... but blunt.  She didn't pull any punches ... at least not with me.   She's gone now ... and that voice went with her.  It's going to be struggle not to have her there to tell me it's all going to be alright.  I always went to her with problems or questions because ... whether I liked it or not, whatever she told me was the truth. 

She didn't realize she was preparing me for life without her when she told me, "Fix it ..." but she was.  Yesterday we were having a conversation and Stoney told me, "I don't have her to convince you anymore ... you're going to have to trust me."  He's right.  And it's sad ... but its true. 

I have to adjust to a life where I can't call her and say, "I'm scared ..." or "What do you think?"   She told me to fix it ... and that's all there is left to do without her.  Fix it ...

Honey, I know, I know, I know times are changin'
It's time we all reach out for something new
That means you too
You say you want a leader
But you can't seem to make up your mind
I think you better close it and let me guide you
To the purple rain

Prince - Purple Rain