Gathering and Thinking ...

I'll be the first to admit it.  I haven't blogged in a couple days.  I wasn't being lazy ... per se.  I had several valid reasons.

Wednesday night, I had a terrible headache.  I basically laid there with the lights off, listening to an audible book at a volume that was so low, only myself and neighborhood dogs could hear it.  Last night, we went to a visitation in Petersburg.  No, Petersburg isn't that far.  However, by the time we got back to town, ate dinner, and made plans for this weekend, I wasn't feeling very loquacious.

But ... the primary reason I haven't posted is because I've been conflicted.  I have a situation that is frustrating me and I'm genuinely stumped on how to move forward.  I don't want to be a hypocrite ... but I also have just about reached critical mass.  I need to decide how to handle this.

I'm sure anyone who reads my little journal here is sick to death of the constant whining and bitching about J.  If it makes you feel any better, I assure you that I'm only sharing a fraction of the nonsense I deal with.  Most of the time, I just brood.

Sir Douche's latest act of douchery ...

Despite having reunited with HHP, and despite swearing that he wouldn't, he went to dinner with Top Gear the other night.   He e-mailed me with a long, tiresome confession.  "I knew you'd be upset ... but I needed closure."  I wrote back a short, clipped response.  "Yes, I am upset ... because if HHP went out with an ex-boyfriend, YOU would be heartbroken.  Whatever, lie to yourself ... but the next time Top Gear calls, you'll go out with her.  I'm done listening to this."

These last few days, I've been brooding again and I find myself in an uncomfortable spot.  I'm in a limbo of self doubt.

Everyone makes bad choices.  We've all done things we aren't proud of.  Hell, I could start a second blog and fill it with stories about the bad relationship choices I've made.  Things that would make your hair curl and things that, I guarantee you, would make you laugh your ass off.  However, since Stoney and the girls are under the impression I'm a relatively good person?  You're just going to have trust me on this one.

So here's the thing ...

J's wife knew about (almost) all of my bad choices.  She listened to innumerous stories of dates I shouldn't have been on with men who were assholes and losers and jerks.  And to be brutally honest?  She also listened to more than a few stories of nice guys who deserved better than the twenty-something drunk I was at the time.

So what would K say?  Would K tell me to suck it up?  Would she tell me that J is my karma for her having to listen to all those bad choices?   Maybe being a good friend is watching someone self-destruct ... watching them do wrong things over and over ... and being there to listen and help pick up the pieces?

I honestly don't know.  I'm lost.  I want to scream at him and tell him to grow up ... to stop acting like he's God's gift to women and start being the sweet, humble guy he used to be.  To be the guy K fell in love with ... not this stranger he's become.

I don't know what to do with him. 

But here's what I do know ...

I'm about to have a very happy ... very special ... very nervous ... several days.   I'll write about it once I get more stuff together around here.  But in the meantime, at least after tonight, I'm going to put aside J and his asshatery and focus on the good.

Hmmmm, where did I put my sleep mask again?

If you're all alone
When the pretty birds have flown
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie
If you put me to the test, if you let me try

Abba - Take a Chance On Me