Tuesday, March 11, 2008

"Catholicism Wow!"

Maybe you're Catholic. Maybe you just like Brad Pitt movies. Either way, nearly everyone has heard of the seven deadly sins. Most of us have committed one or two. Hey, some of us have favorites.

As a refresher, here are the original deadly sins:

1. Pride
2. Envy
3. Gluttony
4. Lust
5. Anger
6. Greed
7. Sloth

But now, in the age of Buddy Christ, it's time for a newer hipper seven sins. The Vatican has put together a new list of sins that we, as modern people, should better relate to. Welcome to the New Seven Deadly Sins:

1. Environmental pollution
2. Genetic manipulation
3. Accumulating excessive wealth
4. Inflicting poverty
5. Drug trafficking and consumption
6. Morally debatable experiments
7. Violation of fundamental rights of human nature

Bishop Gianfranco Girotti, head of the Apostolic Penitentiary, said in an interview yesterday, "You offend God not only by stealing, taking the Lord's name in vain or coveting your neighbor's wife, but also by wrecking the environment, carrying out morally debatable experiments that manipulate DNA or harm embryos." The Apostolic Penitentiary is the body that oversees confessions.
I, for one, am fucking thrilled at this new list. Ask yourself this: How many times a day am I pissed off or tired or sitting there with a bag of M&Ms in my hand? How many times have I been envious of friend's new cell phone or iPod? How many times have I felt proud while driving around in my new car? Well according to the old list ... you're going to hell, my friend.

Now ask yourself this: How many times a day have I experimented with stem cells? How many times have I tried new cloning techniques? How many times today have I fretted over my excessive wealth? How many times have I dealt drugs? Wait, you don't have a secret meth lab or stem cell research facility in your basement? Congratulations! Heaven awaits. Here's your t-shirt.

It's a whole lot easier for me to steer clear of the new, slicker sins than those old ones. Unfortunately the old ones are still in effect ... so we're not totally off the hook.

Still ... I just can't wait to see the new Ten Commandments! You just know "File Sharing" is going to be on there ...

Envy and its evil twin
It crept in bed with slander
Idiots they gave advice
But sloth it gave no answer
Anger kills the human soul
With butter tales of lust
While Pavlov's Dogs keep chewin'
On the legs they never trust

Flogging Molly - Seven Deadly Sins

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