Run You Clever Boy ... and Remember ...

I finally watched the Doctor Who finale last night ... two days late.  But, hey, I was busy Saturday night having an amazing time ... such an amazing time that I'd watch it late a thousand times over.  In any case ... there is an amazing, heartbreaking scene between River Song and the Doctor.  It brought tears to my eyes.  If you haven't watched the finale yet, stop reading now ... because as River would say ... spoilers, sweetie ...

River Song has never been my favorite character.  I loved the idea of River ... I loved the actress playing River.   But ... it always felt as though we would eventually find out their relationship was one built out of necessity.   Watching them interact, it was obvious that River loved the Doctor ... but it never felt as though the Doctor loved her.

But last night, we saw that the Doctor always loved her.  It just hurt him far too much to show it.  We haven't seen the depth of their relationship yet ... I mean they're married for goodness sake, there has to be an epic love story in there somewhere.  And with the finale we still haven't seen their story ... but we saw their goodbye.

River: "It's hard to leave when you haven't said goodbye."
Doctor: "Then tell me, because I don't know... how do I say it?"
River: "There's only one way I'd accept. If you ever loved me,
say it like you're going to come back."
Doctor: "Well then ... see you around, Professor River Song."
River: "'Till the next time, Doctor."
Doctor: "Don't wait up."
River: "Oh, there's one more thing ..."
Doctor: "Isn't there always?"
River: "I was mentally linked with Clara, if she's really dead ...
then how can I still be here?"
Doctor: "Okay?  How?"
River: "Spoilers ... Goodbye ... Sweetie ... "
The tale of Clara as the impossible girl is interesting ... the Great Intelligence and the Whisper Men were good ... but it's the love of River and the Doctor that really moves me.

River: "How are you even doing that? I'm not really here ..."
Doctor: "You're always here to me, and I always listen,
and I can always see you"
So now we wait ... until November for the series to return ...

The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part

Tom Petty - The Waiting

Alas, Profanity! I Knew Him Well ...

Okay ... time to shift gears!  So, for lent I gave up Cherry Coke ... which was an enormous mistake, as we all know.  In retrospect, I probably should've given up profanity.   Stoney's mom asked to friend me on Facebook this morning  ... which was an intimidating ... but very happy ... discovery to awake to.  I very rarely curse on Facebook ... but it does slip out now and then.  Or at least it did ...

I haven't met his parents yet ... so now I have this weird panic thing going on ... what the hell is on my Facebook wall?!?!   It's not like I have links to PornHub or anything ... after all my Mom is on Facebook.  But I'm fairly sure last year there was a lot of  Magic Mike images going around ... and Thor graphics ... and holy crap someone posted a picture of Adam Levine naked on a motorcycle last month.  SHIT ... I've gotta take that down ASAP!

I curse ... a lot.  It's not that I can't not cuss.  I work all day at an office where it isn't acceptable to say, "Fuck yeah I wanna go to an after-action meeting!  Schedule that motherfucker!"  No ... I have the ability to be a perfectly upstanding citizen.   I taught an entire class of octogenarians how to use iPads last week and not once did I say, "Are you fucking kidding me?"  Although ... let's not fool ourselves ... I thought it about twice a minute on average.

It's true that only a handful of people who know me personally know about this blog.  I think the logs showed around 800 unique visits last month ... and I'd say only four or five visitors know me in the real world.  So my Bruce Wayne/Batman secret identity is still safe ... and technically I could still curse to high heaven on here with little to no repercussions.  Still, writing words like fuck in this blog every day ... while enjoyable as hell ... really only keeps the habit of using them going.  

So ... I'm going to try and cut back.  Wean myself down.   I'll never be Mother Teresa ... but maybe I could be a little less Kevin Smith?   A little more Annette Hargrove and a little less Kathryn Merteuil?  We'll see ... if, after twenty four hours, you find me in a heap on the floor cursing like the bastard child of a Tourette's patient and a merchant marine, you'll know our little experiment failed.  Wish me luck, friends ... wish me luck.

A little less conversation, a little more action please
All this aggravation ain't satisfactioning me
A little more bite and a little less bark
A little less fight and a little more spark
Close your mouth and open up your heart
And baby satisfy me
Satisfy me baby

Elvis Presley - A Little Less Conversation

Punch Drunk and Sleep Deprived ...

Okay so in the course of having a relationship, there is give and take.  They share things with you ... you share things with them.   It's part of the fun of getting to know another person.  Having said that ... I have no idea what I've shared with Stoney.  Um ... a love of cheesecake?  An appreciation for a fine glass of Cherry Coke?   Thinking about it, I really need to step up my game, huh? 

But I can tell you what he's shared with me ... Hollywood Babble On.  

Stop what you're doing ... and click on that link.  HBO is part of the whole Kevin Smith Smodcast empire ... and you know how much I love Kevin Smith.  Once you go to the website, you'll see they have a whole lot more ... Smodcast ... Jay and Silent Bob Get Old ... dozens.   But for the sake of this post, all we care about is HBO.  Go. There. Now.

Stoney mentioned I should check it out several times ... and I'm not sure what struck me at work one day that made me fire it up and take a listen ... but it was awesome.   It is laugh out loud funny.   Like you'll be driving in your car laughing and snorting ... looking like a fucking moron ... and you won't care.  Ralph Garman does dozens of voices and keeps Kevin on track ... which, if you ever hear Kevin speak, has to be a task of Herculean proportions.  

Now one word of caution .. it's dirty.  Oh so wonderfully dirty.  So if you're a youngster, don't go.  Then again, if you're a youngster, what the fuck are you doing reading my blog?!  Go do your homework!  Jesus ... kids these days.

So what brought this post on?  Last night we went down to St. Louis and saw Jay and Silent Bob's Groovy Cartoon Movie ... which was pretty funny ... and then afterwards we all sat in on the Jay and Silent Bob Get Old Podcast ... which was awesome.   Kevin said he loved St. Louis and is going to bring Ralph back to do Hollywood Babble On.  When they heard that, the crowd went nuts.   So I'm sharing.  I figure the more love he gets ... the more likely he is to come back.  Share the love, my friends ... share the love.

So that's all you get for today.  I could tell you it was an awesome night ... despite me leading Stoney from one end of Collinsville to the next because I couldn't decide what to eat.  He didn't even get mad at me ... unless he really was mad and just didn't tell me ... in which case, good job on the filtering!  I could tell you how he brought me a cherry coke with lots and lots of cherries ... does my man know me or what?  I would tell you all these things and more ... but I am exhausted.  I got like six hours of sleep and I am beyond starving.  I can't decide whether to eat something ... or go back to sleep.

So go ... listen to Hollywood Babble On ... then drop Kevin a line and tell him we're waiting on him in St. Louis!

So I'll wait for you... and I'll burn
Will I ever see your sweet return
Oh will I ever learn
Oh lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late

Jeff Buckley - Lover, You Should've Come Over

Friday 5: Mottos

Wow ... two posts in one day!  What are the chances?!   I've been dozing off and on all day ... trying to recover this insane work week so that I'll have plenty of energy for the weekend.  So ... blogging relaxes me ... and the Friday 5 is my favorite weekly meme ... so what could be more perfect!

The Friday 5
1. The motto of the Brownies is “Lend a hand.” If this were the personal motto of someone you know, who would it be?   Hmmm ... this week may be kinda hard since I try not to use anyone's real name.  But let's see what we can do.   The most helpful person I know is probably a woman I work with ... she goes so far out of her way to help others ... really it's inspiring.  She and her husband have coached their daughters' sports teams .... she runs her church's youth program ... I mean, she would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it.  I've been sick and she's texted me to ask if I've needed anything.  When I had surgery, she brought food over.  Seriously, I want to be like her.

2. The motto of the Olympic Games is “Citius, Altius, Fortius” (“Higher, Faster, Stronger”). If this were the personal motto of someone you know, who would it be?   The first thing I thought of when I saw this question ... is Daft Punk's Harder Better Faster Stronger.  I had no idea the Olympics even had a motto ... but now that I know, I think they need to give Daft Punk a call for the next opening games.  That would be awesome!

3. I don’t think it’s a motto, but Apple, Inc.’s tag line for some time has been “Think different.” Grammatical iffiness aside, if this were the personal motto of someone you know, who would it be? - Think different?  Hmmm ... who do I know who thinks different?  I don't know ... I don't know anyone comparable to Steve Jobs ... but then who does, right?  I guess the closest would be one of my old bosses who loved to tinker with things.  We'd go into the office on Monday and find out he'd gone in over the weekend and constructed an office projector with a built-in speaker using old spare parts, a garbage can, and a roll of chicken wire.  It was insane.  I mean ... bright and creative ... but insane.

4.Here are some food-related marketing slogans: “The incredible, edible egg.” “Beef: It’s what’s for dinner.” “Got milk?” What would be a cool marketing slogan for something you’ve eaten in the past twenty-four hours that doesn’t already have one?   I'm gonna go with tonight's dinner!  Okay ... are you ready for this?  Poultry growers, I'm giving this one to you for free ... Chicken Wings - Makes You Fat and Happy!  Because ... well ... they make me fat and happy.  Truth in advertising, I always say!

5. Here is a very long list of cool Latin phrases. Which will you adopt as your personal motto for the upcoming week?  Considering the stress of what's going on with my employer and job situation ... I'm gonna go with nil volentibus arduum ... nothing is impossible for the willing.  The next couple months is going to be rough ... but nothing is impossible for the willing.

Hope you all had a great week.  Mine was grueling ... but worth it because this weekend is gonna be amazeballs!

Work it harder, make it better,
do it faster, makes us stronger,
more than ever, never over,
Our work is never over.

Kanye West - Stronger

The Road Less Traveled ... Is Frequently The Wrong Road

Ha!  Sometimes things happen that just make you laugh ...

Last summer my lawn guy ... whom we'll refer to as John to protect the innocent ... asked me on a date.   John wanted to know if I wanted to go to see some country music act ... and I nicely said no.  I had to come up with an excuse ... so I told him that technically I was still married and wasn't going to start dating until after the divorce was final.  And I didn't ... despite the fact that around September or October I reeeeeeallly wanted to ...

In any case ... I digress.   Time goes on ... and I was a little wary about dealing with John this season.   I was afraid of the inevitable, "So, you must be divorced by now ..." conversation.  But guess what?  He's getting married!  Sometime in July?   I guess?  Who knows?  I could give less than two shits ... other than the fact that I don't have to deal with him!

The cute thing is that he told me this news in a sad "awwwww, you missed the boat" tone of voice that genuinely made me laugh.   Let me see if I can put this conversation in written form.  This isn't a perfect quote ... but it's close ...

"Now, before I come over, I should tell you ... I have some news."
"Really?  What's going on?"
"Well ... I'M getting married."
"Really?!  Good for you!"
"Yup ... in July ... she's my first girlfriend ... and I'm MARRYING her."
"That's great, John ... I wish you the best."
"Yup ... I am MARRYING her ..."
"So you said ... that's awesome!  So, you'll be over this afternoon?"
"I'd never had a girlfriend before, and now we're getting MARRIED."
"No shit ... spectacular news, John.  So about the yard ..."
Sweet baby Jesus ... right now I could be engaged to an alcoholic who sporadically mows yards for a living!  What was I thinking?!?!   I could've spent my evenings making trips to the liquor store to buy rot gut liquor ... and ... best of all?  During the summer when he was mowing, I might not have had to pay for it!  Son of a bitch!  Does anybody around here have a time machine?!

Seriously ... I do hope he's happy.  But more specifically ... I hope my yard gets cut at some point this weekend.  Seriously ... just sometime?

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers

Garth Brooks - Unanswered Prayers

When is Thursday Really Friday?

Sorry for the lack of update yesterday ... I would've written something late last night when I got home but it would've been a chaotic, nonsensical combination of letters and numbers ... the occasional apostrophe mark and some Esperanto thrown in for good measure.  Gibberish basically ... which is what comes from working a thirteen hour day.  What follows below isn't a whole lot better ... but I really need to vent and let off some steam.  And, since I don't have time to schedule a massage or visit a shooting range ... this will have to do.

Tomorrow I'm going to conduct an experiment.  I'm going to spend 24 hours treating every other service provider the way I have been treated during this training school.   Here is the schedule for those who want to tag along and watch the fun ...

First thing in the morning, I'm going to stand outside my doctor's office and watch for his car to pull up.  Then, as he is walking in ... I'm going to quickly walk next to him and start listing off my aliments and aches and pains.  He will probably nicely tell me that he needs a minute to set his things down ... but I'm going to ignore him and talk over him.   And as we walk, I'm going to demand he fix me, coffee in hand, right there on the spot.

After that, I'll run by Starbucks.   I'm going to stand at the counter and when another customer orders something, I'm going to butt in and exclaim, "Hey!  That sounds good!  I want one of those!"  When the next person in line walks up and the associate is trying to help them, I'm going to butt back in and say, "Ooooooh ... I want one of those too!"  I'm planning to continue doing this for ... oh ... about sixty minutes.

When that's done, I'm going to go to the post office.  I'm going to walk up to the employee who has the most items in their hands ... I mean I'm looking for someone balancing box on top of box on top of box Dr. Seuss style.  Then, I'm going to aggressively approach them and attempt to hand them a bag of unimportant items.  I'm going to do this over ... and over ... and over ... until they either take the bag  ... or drop their own packages ... at which point I will declare victory and run away while laughing maniacally.

By then I'll have worked up an appetite.   I'm going to a restaurant where I"ll sit down, have a drink, and order a hamburger and fries.  Five minutes after placing my order, I'm going to wave the waitress over and say, "You didn't forget about me, right?  I'm still going to get my hamburger, correct?"   I'll wait another five or ten minutes and then stop her ... preferably while her arms are full of hot plates ... and ask, "Hey, not to bother you but I'm REALLY gonna wanna have a hamburger for lunch.  What?  We already ordered?  Oh, that's great!  It's just that ... I'm hungry ... and I'm gonna wanna eat a hamburger before I leave."  Then, when she brings it, I'm going to look shocked and say, "A hamburger?!  Why thank you!  I love hamburgers!"

Finally, before I head home, I'm going to run to the grocery store.  After checking the employees out, I'm going to walk up to whichever clerk looks the most exhausted ... someone who looks like she's run a marathon and aches from head to toe ... and I'm going to ask her to bring me something from the complete opposite side of the store.  I'm going to stand back by the milk and tell this poor dreg of humanity that I need an apple ... which is at the furthest point from where she is standing.  I'll tell her that I'm older than her ... and getting around is hard ... and it would be so much easier if she would go fetch me one single apple.

Now ... any one of these asshat moves might get me killed ... but just once I'd like to be the one making some sort of ridiculous demand  ... instead of being the person biting my lip so I won't yell, "Have you lost your fucking mind?!"   Sigh ... it has been a long week ...

Let the drinking begin ...

God damn my spinning head
Decisions that made my bed
Now I must lay in it
And deal with things I've left unsaid
I want to dive into you
Forget what we're going through
I get behind, make your move
Forget about the truth

Maroon 5 - Makes Me Wonder

Hell Would Be a Walk In The Park ...

Have you ever had that moment ... when you're trying to teach someone something ... and you honestly can't decide if they are that stupid ... or if they are just fucking with you?   Okay now imagine having that exact same moment ... for eight ... hours ... straight.

No!  No ... that's not even accurate.  Imagine trying to teach Si Robertson a computer lesson.  Only instead of, "That's the fact, Jack!" you have someone, who every time you spend fifteen minutes trying to get him to grasp something responds with, "Now I know what you know!"  Sigh ... eight ... hours ... of ... that.

I had eleven students who were ready and willing to learn ... some struggled and some already knew most of what we were learning ... but all eleven were really on the ball.  Then there was number twelve.   Number twelve was like a room full of toddlers, Alzheimer's patients, and monkeys all rolled into one human being. 

It's over ... at least my part is.  Everyone is back in class tomorrow ... and Thursday.  So, even though I'm not the trainer tomorrow, the opportunity for mind boggling questions still exist ... in fact, it's inevitable.   I just ... ugh ... no more.   I'm going to bed.  Tomorrow will be a marathon ... and I've been running all day ...

It's all the same, only the names will change
Everyday it seems we're wasting away
Another place where the faces are so cold
I'd drive all night just to get back home

 

Bon Jovi - Wanted Dead or Alive

So Glad We Went ...

Several months ago, my best friend asked if I wanted to go see Rock of Ages.  The touring company was coming to town and her husband was buying tickets ... and I said sure.  Looking back, I can't remember who asked my guy (who ... from this point and all points forward ... will be referred to as Stoney) if he wanted to go ... I assume it was my best friend since I was wary about asking him to go anywhere for the longest time.  Don't ask ... that's its own post ...

In any case ... the four of us made plans to go in the future ... and it was pretty much forgotten about.  Until last week when she reminded us that the show was tonight.  Ugh ... tonight?   A Monday night? The night before a training school.  The night before the hardest week in the work year.  Here's how the week typically goes ...

Tomorrow I'll train a class solo for the first (and presumably last) time ... even in the best of situations, training days suck donkey balls.  Wednesday I'll work a fourteen hour day ... including eight hours of my normal workday ... followed by another six hours preparing and running an awards banquet.  That day never ends before nine o'clock.  Thursday will be the last day of the school ... which sounds good, right?  But we all work twice as hard because the field staff has to fit all their requests in before they leave.  The word overwhelming is a understatement of epic proportions.  On Friday, those of us who manage to limp our sorry asses into work will slip into a coma and stare at a blank monitor for eight hours ... not moving an inch ... other than going to Xochimillco for margaritas at lunch ... because dammit we earned it.

Wow ... that was a tangent.  How did I get so far off track?  Where was I?  Rock of Ages ... right.  Not a fantastic night for this to go down.  I had work to worry about it ... and Stoney has been having bad back pain .... which is being treated by medication thus explaining the pet name Stoney ... and really should've just gone home and taken it easy.  But ... tickets had been paid for ... and our happy asses were going.

The show started ... and I'm gonna be completely honest ... for the first song or two, I was sitting there ... Stoney had his arm around me and I was thinking, "I would give anything to just go home and watch Mad Men with him ..."  But ... the show progressed ... and I'll be damned if it wasn't fun!  I mean a lot of fun!   Have you seen the movie?  Fuck the movie ... the movie is nothing like the stage show.  The songs are different.  The story line is completely different.  You won't see "Hey Man" ... apparently it was only in the movie because Tom Cruise demanded they add a monkey.  I know ... bizarre, right?  Anyhow ... the musical was just fun!

If you get a chance ... go.  Go see Rock of Ages live.  I would suggest you not go on a Monday night ... or when you have a stressful presentation the next day ... or when your back is killing you ... or even when you're wearing the world's most uncomfortable shoes.   But go!
 

And even as I wander,
I'm keeping you in sight.
You're a candle in the window,
On a cold, dark winter's night.
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might.

REO Speedwagon - I Can't Fight This Feeling

Happy Mother's Day

I started life ... as a blonde.  Just as blonde as blonde could be ... a gorgeous shade of bright yellow.  Sadly, you'd never know it now.   It was cyclical ... every summer I spent long days out in the sun and my hair would be dazzling.  Then in the winter, when I was indoors, my hair would fade to strawberry blonde.  Then summer would come and the sun would bleach me out again.  This went on until I was around ten.  That's about when I stopped wanting to spend hours in the sun ... and decided to spend all my time indoors listening to music and reading.  My hair darkened to strawberry blonde ... and it never lightened again.

So I'm a redhead ... I have been for years.  Why am I still a redhead?  Because I've always been too chicken to dye my hair.  I've longed to recreate those pictures of me with bright yellow tresses.  When my hair was down to my waist, I longed to dye it the blackest black and spend every spare moment going to Cure concerts.  But underneath it all, I'm fond of my red ... and I'm scared that if I dyed it a different shade, I'd never get it back to the original.

Mom ... on the other hand ... has always been adventurous.  I have pictures with her hair every color under the sun.   In one she's Marilyn Monroe blonde ... in another she's Ann Margaret red ... in one her hair is so black it looks like she invented goth.  I even have one of her at a party where I swear her hair looks peacock blue.  I've never asked her what prompted that fashion choice ... I'm not sure I want to know.

I've always envied that about her ... she is bold and fearless.  It's true ... she pisses people off because she has no filter and says whatever she thinks ... but she was so out there when she was young.  She claims that I'm so much like my Dad ... but sometimes when I'm telling someone a story ... about that trip to Mississippi or being at Woodstock II ... I think I'm more like her than she knows.  Which is actually a very good thing because she doesn't know half those stories ...

Anyhow ... she doesn't come here ... I hope ... but Happy Mother's Day to my Mom ... and all the other Mom's out there.   Your kids are more like you than you'll ever know ...

Yeah, I'm working, making money
I'm just starting to build a name.
I can feel it, around the corner
I could make it any day.
Mother mother can you hear me
Sure I'm sober, sure I'm sane.
Life is perfect, never better
Still your daughter, still the same.

Tracy Bonham - Mother Mother

Friday 5: A Bit of Knowledge

Okay ... so I'm doing the Friday 5 on Saturday ... because I'm nothing if not a rebel!  Ugh .. fine ... I'm not a rebel.  I spent Friday evening at my guy's house ... eating pizza and watching The Fast and the Furious ... a movie that actually wasn't too bad ... despite being made strictly for people who pee standing up.  Also, my guy bought Cherry Coke for me ... which earned him my eternal devotion.  Yes ... yes my love can be bought for a 12 pack of Cherry Coke.  Fuck you ... don't judge me!

The Friday 5
1.  What’s something you know about constellations? - Aw hell ... I should lie, right?  Google some amazing fact on a constellation and look smart and witty?  No ... the truth is ... constellations baffle me.  More truth?  I can't see them.  For years people have said things like, "Look up in the sky ... see that over there?  That's Cassiopeia!" and I'm like, "Oh yeah ... that's sooooo cool!"  But in reality, all I see are stars.  I can't see the patterns.  I've tried innumerous times.  For me, the sky is just a dazzling landscape of twinkling lights ... nothing but beauty and chaos.  I don't see the constellations ... but I do see a universe of wonder.

2.  What’s something you know about bugs? - What do I know about bugs?  Well, they serve a purpose ... the whole circle of life thing?  All God's creatures great and small ... and all that?  No matter how much revulsion I feel for spiders and bees and anything creepy or crawly, they exist for a reason.  Even mosquitoes ... they're food for other animals.  Everyone is someone else's brisket. 

3.  What’s something you know about a car’s engine? - One of my drinking buddies from way back in the day was a gear head.  He told me once that engines need two things to run ... fire and fuel.  If a car won't start there are two reasons ... it isn't getting fuel ... or it isn't getting fire.  If it's missing fuel then it's out of gas or the fuel pump is out.  If it's missing fire then the spark plugs are bad or something like that.  Now ... is any of that true?  Hell if I know!  I have no idea ... I was drunk.  Besides I go to a mechanic for these things.

4.  What’s something you know about wine or beer? - Wow ... you picked subjects about which I know next to nothing.  Wine ... wine gives me a headache.  Really dry wine can trigger a migraine.  And beer?  Beer just tastes so ... I don't know ... yeasty?  The very first beer I ever tasted was on a sand bar when I was seventeen.  It was a can of Budweiser and it was ... oh God ... is there a word that is stronger than repulsive?   The sad part is that I want to be one of the cool kids ... I want to like beer.  Occasionally I think there has to be some good tasting beer with all that artisanal micro-brew apple raspberry honey lager ale?  But then I remember how great Cherry Coke tastes and I think ... fuck it.

5.  What’s something you know about the Pacific Ocean? - I know it's on my bucket list.  I've played in the Atlantic Ocean ... I've played in the Gulf of Mexico ... but I've never even seen the Pacific.  I hear it's beautiful?  Someday ... it's on my to do list.  Along with finding a beer that tastes just like Cherry Coke!

I'm not aware of too many things,
But I know what I know if you know what I mean.
Philosophy is the talk on a cereal box.
Religion is the smile on a dog.
I'm not aware of too many things,
But I know what I know if you know what I mean.

Edie Brickell - What I Am

Next Week Will Only Be Worse ...

I can't tell you what's more frustrating ... being worked like a rented mule ... or being worked like a rented mule knowing that there's a pretty fair chance you'll be unemployed in 30-60 days. 

My back is killing me ... my shoulders ache  ... and I have touched the same piece of paper at least two dozen times now.  It is insane.   Every thirty minutes someone discovers more work that hasn't been done.  It's like being in Groundhog's Day ... without Bill Murray ... or the groundhog ... or joy.   I have no idea why Joel McHale isn't covering what goes on in my office every week.  I am living in the darkest timeline ...

I swear there's a hidden room somewhere around here ... and inside it sits a man with a handlebar mustache.  He is twirling the ends and laughing maniacally ... while he throws handfuls of gold doubloons in the air Scrooge McDuck style ... and cackles, "Oh, they'll work!  They'll work until I tell them they can't work!!!"

Yes ... yes, I do need a vacation ... why do you ask?

Everybody's working for the weekend
Everybody wants a new romance
Everybody's going off the deep end
Everybody needs a second chance, oh
You want a piece of my heart?
You better start from the start
You want to be in the show?
C'mon baby, let's go

Loverboy - Working For the Weekend

The Calls We Dread ...

I'm at a loss tonight.  My cousin called me with somber news ... he's been set up with home hospice.  He's having terrible pain because of the cancer in his liver. The tumors are causing his liver to produce extra bile ... which is causing vomiting and dehydration.  It's a vicious circle ... his meds help with the pain but cause bowel issues ... it's just not a good situation at all.  I'm not sure what hospice means for my cousin ... in terms of the big picture.  I only have one experience to draw from and that's my Dad.

In Dad's case, when they released him from Memorial with home hospice, they told us it would be a matter of days.  But ... my Dad was nothing if not a fighter ... and after about three weeks he asked the visiting nurse, "So, what are you guys going to do when I don't die like you're planning?"  The nurse, who was an amazing person, gave him a hopeful smile and said, "If we need to, we'll evaluate your case after six months."   Dad lasted twenty five days after coming home from the hospital ... a pretty valiant effort considering they didn't think he'd survive the ambulance ride home.

When my cousin called, we only talked for a bit ... the Demerol was kicking in so it was a short conversation.  The last thing he said before he hung up was, "I'm okay, kiddo ... we'll talk later."  He's desperately trying to be the guy he always was ... even though his voice is weak and hoarse.

When Dad had his heart attack, it was so massive and so horrible.  My mom, my brother, and I took shifts at his bedside ... but we spent most of that night sleeping in the cardiac ICU waiting room.  I remember sitting by Dad's bed and praying ... trying to make a deal with God.  The deal was that I wouldn't ask God to save him ... but if he couldn't save him ... if Dad had to die ... I wanted God to do it quickly ... and not let him suffer. 

I suppose that's why I was so angry when Dad died eight months later.  My brother is very religious and was going on about God at some point after the funeral ... and I got upset.  I told him I asked God not to let him suffer ... I made a deal with him that I wouldn't ask him to save Dad if he just didn't let him suffer.  My brother told me that God didn't make deals ... and I told him then God was a miserable prick.  In retrospect, that's probably something I should mention in confession next time I go.

In any case ... I won't be trying to make a deal with God this time.  He doesn't stick to his side of the bargain anyway.   But at this point all I can hope is that my cousin doesn't suffer ... or suffer any more than he already has.  It truly is a fucked up world ... we just gotta make the most of our time here.

Into the distance, a ribbon of black
Stretched to the point of no turning back
Flight of fancy on a windswept field
Standing alone, my senses reel
Fatal attraction that's holding me fast
How can I escape this irresistible grasp
Can't keep my eyes from the circling sky
Tongue-tied and twisted; just an earth-bound misfit, I

Pink Floyd - Learning To Fly

For Once I Didn't Do It ...

Holy Christ!  Am I that intimidating?  I mean ... when you meet me ... is the first thing you think ... I bet her man is fucking tired?  Puh-leeeezeeee ... look at me!  No one thinks that.  Trust me ... I don't remotely give off that vibe.  Except ... maybe I do?

My guy is on the injured list right now.  His back is hurting ... he's had x-rays and they're checking everything out.   Thanks to Facebook, five people have a) expressed concern and asked if he's alright ... and b) told me that I need to take it easy on him.  What the ... seriously?!

Let's see ... one person asked, "Sorry he's hurt ... but did he stick the dismount?" ... another asked, "What happened? Did you install the swing wrong?" ... and yet another chided me "ThirtyWhat ... you were supposed to be gentle with him!"   Jesus Christ, people ... you'd think he's the Christian and I'm the lion!

Okay ... here's the thing.  I did not break him.  I'm a nice girl.  Despite the post describing my love of his scent ... I am not physically assaulting him over it.  Send him a get well card ... send him flowers ... but I assure you there is no need to send an "evidence kit" as suggested by one of my girlfriends on the east-coast.

Sigh ... how did I become friends with so many smart asses???

Crack that whip
Give the past the slip
Step on a crack
Break your momma's back
When a problem comes along
You must whip it
Before the cream sits out too long
You must whip it
When something's going wrong
You must whip it

Devo - Whip It

It's Always A Party ...

How does a family produce two children who are so polar opposite that the only thing between them in a Venn diagram is their shared parent?

My brother and I are so different.  I think we genuinely want to like each other ... it's just that after a short amount of time, we run out of common ground ... and inevitably end up butting heads.  Tonight when we first sat down to dinner, we had a nice conversation.  He wanted to hear all about my "new man" ... and he was very engaged ... asking all sorts of questions.   How'd we meet ... where he works ... just small talk.  We moved onto Duck Dynasty and it looked like the evening might go pretty well.

But by the time we'd finished our hamburger, he'd royally pissed me off.  He had started asking about my job situation ... and that was fine ... until he started badgering me about taking the transfer to St. Louis.  After we bickered back and forth ... and let's be honest ... most of it was him bickering and me just sitting there quietly ... Mom stepped in and snapped, "Leave her alone! She doesn't want to move!"  It shut him up ... but the train of dysfunction just kept on a' rolling ...

We made it back to the house ... where he proceeded to grill me for 20 minutes about computer issues.  Should he use this program or that program?  This spreadsheet or that spreadsheet?  And how could he sync his calendars?   Ugh ... I do this for a living.  I do not want to work customer service all damned night too.  I tried answering a question or two ... then avoiding his questions ... then ignoring him all together ... but he just kept on going.

It came to a head when he was looking up directions on his iPad and asked where a particular town was .... and I answered, "Beats the hell out of me.  I've never been there."  He looked up from his tablet and said, "You know, nobody likes a smart butt."  I looked up and said, "That's weird ... up here, nobody likes adults who talk like kindergartners ... it's smart ass ... and on that note, I'm going home."

Mom followed me outside ... trying to make it all better like she normally does.  There's an entire blog post to come all about how we used to be close .. and we just aren't anymore.  Maybe that's just life.  You'll always love your family.  But maybe there just comes a point where you realize ... you just don't have a lot in common anymore.  And as Stuart Smalley would say ... that's ... okay.

Never know when the time is right to take the reins
Down the road they'll come to find out anyway
But it's too late you know
You just like pretendin' that they're everything they're not
I don't like it, I don't need it
I don't want it cause baby I'm thru believin'

Brother Cane - Got No Shame

Why oh WHY Couldn't It Have Been Gain?

I found out something last night that shook me to the very core. It made me question everything I believe in ... everything I hold dear.  No, I didn't find out Jesus was a Mormon ... I found out ... sigh ... I found out that my guy wears Axe.  Why does this matter?  Because I fucking hate those goddamned Axe commercials ... and yet ... sweet Jesus, I loooooove the way he smells.

Those commercials ... those stupid goddamned commercials.  Women throwing themselves at mannequins.  Women ... hundreds and hundreds of horny women ... running and swimming and leaping to get to a man spraying Axe on his chest.  Hell there's an Axe infomercial with Joy Hickey showing men how to clean their balls.  Ugh!  As a woman, those commercials annoy the living hell out of me.  For years I have hated those commercials.  Only to find out ... I'm a hypocrite.

I mean ... anyone could've told you my guy smells good. Oh man, so good.  For instance, we saw a movie last weekend and our seats weren't awesome.  At one point there's like fifty versions of Iron Man on the screen and it devolves into a confusing mess ... so I just kinda tuned out and laid my head against his shoulder.  Well, not his shoulder ... he's much taller than me so more accurately I laid my head against his arm.  Anyhow, everybody around me was trying to follow the story.  Meanwhile, I just said fuck it and sat there ... happily breathing ... trying not to look like I was smelling him.

I've meant to ask him for the longest time what kind of cologne he uses ... I just kept forgetting.  And I continued to forget until I was sitting in bed last night watching Duck Dynasty and a commercial came on for Gain.  The ad was basically sixty seconds of people trying to smell this guy's shirt ... and I thought ... "Ah hah!  There's my answer!  Gain!"  I grabbed my phone and casually texted him ... "So, what kind of detergent do you use?"  He answered and at that moment, the world shifted on it's axis.  Get it ... axis?  Ha!  I kill me. 

Anyhow, he uses Tide ... same as me.  I'm not all wibbly wobbly because of his detergent ... it's Axe.  Jesus Christ ... I never knew.  Axe ... it's like fucking catnip!  I am ashamed of myself!  I'm a feminist!  I am woman ... hear me roar!  I want to be respected!   However ... I also want to crawl in his lap and smell him for a couple hours.  This is humiliating ... and I'm pretty sure the makers of Axe have aerosolized crack.  Fuck at this moment, I don't even care if it is crack ... as long he keeps buying it ...

I hate myself for loving you
Can't break free from the the things that you do
I wanna walk
But I run back to you
That's why I hate myself for loving you

Joan Jett - I Hate Myself

Has Anyone Ever Overdosed on Pie?

Okay, goddammit ... someone is shirking their duties.  I don't know who it is ... but this has got to end.  How many times have I come on here and said ... I have to learn not to shop when I'm hungry.  How many?  A few?  Several?  Dozens!?  And yet it happens again and again and again ... and no one is stopping this from happening!

Let's take today for instance.  It was a quiet, rainy day ... the perfect type of day for staying at home and getting caught up things around the house.  Around ten o'clock, I had my first urge ... I should go to the grocery store and get the stuff to make a cherry pie.   I talked myself out of this pretty easily.  I had breakfast and got caught up on Game of Thrones ... did some laundry.  Kept myself busy.

Then around noon it hit again ... I should go to the grocery store and get stuff to make a cherry pie and pick up some turkey to make turkey sandwiches for lunch this week.   This one was a little harder to ignore.   I thought about everything in the fridge and the freezer and the pantry and told myself a shopping trip really wasn't necessary.  I had more than enough to get by for a few days if not the entire week.

By three o'clock, I was like a junkie.  The tipping point this time?  Cherry Coke.  I should go to the grocery store and get stuff to make a cherry pie and pick up some turkey to make turkey sandwiches for lunch this week and get a two liter of Cherry Coke.  My jeans and sneakers were on faster than you can say, "But, ThirtyWhat ... weren't you trying to diet?"  Shut the fuck up, conscious!  I'm getting my cherry fix on!

My trip through Shop n Save was like an indie version of Harold and Kumar ... without the weed ... or Neil Patrick Harris.  You could literally plot my course through the store based on what food items caught my eye.   Right in the door?  Hot dog buns ... a package for a dollar.  What a deal!  Hmmm ... where's the bratwurst?   There will be extra buns though .... where's the hot dogs?   Hmmm ... okay so now frozen cherries .... oooooh, frozen pizza!  This one has double cheese!  Cheese?  Deli ... deli turkey ... wait what are those over there? Cibata rolls?  Fuck yeah I want ciabatta rolls!

Yup ... I made the full circle ... I went for three things ... cherry pie, turkey, and cherry coke ... and ended up spending $58 ... which, quite frankly, would've been much higher if not for my ability to stay thrifty while in the middle of binge shopping.

So it's over.  I'm sitting here wallowing in shame ... drinking my glass of cherry coke ... eating a piece of cherry pie.   Well ... okay, I don't feel a lot of shame about the cherry pie.  But I do feel shame about the other $53 worth of merchandise I bought.

I think I need to enroll in some sort of program.  One where I turn my keys over to a responsible party ... who won't allow me to enter a grocery store unless I've just had a full meal.  Sigh ... do not shop hungry, kids ... unless you want to end up with a box of 200 freezy pops in your pantry ... and enough hot dogs and brats to feed a small army.

Don't stop me now
I'm having such a good time
I'm having a ball
 Don't stop me now
If you wanna have a good time just give me a call
Don't stop me now ('Cause I'm having a good time)
Don't stop me now (Yes I'm having a good time)
I don't want to stop at all

Queen - Don't Stop Me Now

It Was a Good Day After All ...

Well ... I was expecting today to suck donkey balls.  I can't lie ... the first half of it pretty much did.  I went to bed around 8:30 last night and slept for twelve hours straight.  Even when I woke up, I seriously considered not even getting out of bed.

But life is what you make of it.  My best friend got everyone together tonight and made my world a whole lot better. I almost backed out of our plans. After mass, I thought about texting everyone and telling them I just wasn't very good company tonight.  But I didn't ... and for that I'm eternally thankful.

Dinner was pretty tasty ... I've never been to the Dublin Pub on Wabash and their pizza was surprisingly good.  The new Iron Man movie is ... well, hey ... the movie is shiny and brand new.  I got to spend two hours laughing and leaning my head against a tall, handsome man ... who smells so damned good I can't hardly stand it.  So ... fuck the plot holes ... and the entertaining, if odd, non-villain.  I had a blast.

First I'd planned on not blogging at all today.  Then I changed my mind and decided to get on here and write a short post saying that tomorrow would be a better day.  But you know what?  That was before I spent the evening with the best friends a girl could ask for ... and a guy who can hold my hand and make the world a happier place. 

Today was a pretty damned good day all by itself ...

She looks back
And she looks away
She internalizes the motion wave
She is the butcher
She wants the air
She hides the scars under her hair

Rob Zombie - Foxy Foxy

Friday 5: Nervous ...

Thank God it's Friday!  I've worked harder this week than I have in months ... and, sadly, the next two weeks will be a steady ramp-up to the busiest day of my year ... which will be May 15th.  I'm not looking forward to that fourteen hour day ... even though it will be the last awards banquet I'll ever have to run.  I suppose it will be sad ... but since I'll be semi-conscious from exhaustion by that evening, it will be hard to know for sure.   In any case, let's wrap up the work week with another Friday 5.  Have a great weekend, everyone ... go see Iron Man 3!

The Friday 5
1.  What are you like when you are very nervous? - Hmmm ... well, when I'm nervous, I'm quiet.  I don't talk a lot.  I guess I just turn inward. When I'm comfortable, it's next to impossible to shut me up ... but when I'm nervous, I pretty much just sit there and think.  In retrospect, I know a lot of people who wish I were nervous more often ...   

2.  How do you deal with nervousness, especially nervousness about something that’s going to happen several days later? - I have something very odd about me.  Okay, yes ... ha ha ... there are a lot of odd things about me ... but in this case we're talking about nerves.  I will be nervous ... to the point I'm sick to my stomach ... but just like that ... a switch flips and I'm not.  It's like I reach a point of zen ... and whatever is bothering me?  It just doesn't matter.  It doesn't always happen ... take family night for instance.  But most times, my anxiety reaches a critical mass and the circuit breaker just flips.  It's odd ... but convenient.  

3.  In what circumstance are most people nervous, but not you? - Talking in public, I suppose?  That seems to be the one thing people complain about the most.  For whatever reason, that situation doesn't bother me.  If I had to guess, I'd say it's because, subconsciously, I have a terrible attitude.  I go into every situation happy and friendly ... with the underlying attitude, "You'll like me ... and if you don't like me, I don't really give a fuck."  Seriously, people ... adopt that ... and the world is your oyster.  You'll never get stage fright ... you'll never sweat ... because you simply don't give a fuck.  Now ... when you start giving a fuck?  That's when the nerves kick in  ...

4.  What conditions seem to be fine for most people but make you feel nervous? - I don't know ... odd things?  Things like ... eating in front of people.  That makes me nervous.  I'm a heavy girl ... so I think people are watching what I eat?  Judging?  I'm weird ... I know.  I can talk in front of a hundred people as easy as I can talk at a table for four ... but ask me to eat with them?  And suddenly I'm not hungry ... nothing on the menu looks good ... it's hard to swallow.  I'm a mess when it comes to food ... I'm a psycho analyst's dream come true.

5.  When did you last feel nervous about something that turned out completely fine? - This is an easy one ... family dinner.   I was so nervous about it, I was sick to my stomach for days.   I was certain they were going to say something inappropriate ... which they did.   I was certain I was going to do something stupid like trip or fall ... which I did.  And I was certain he was going to take one look at the chaos that is my family gatherings and say, "Thanks but no thanks!" ... which he didn't.  So, yes ... I worried myself sick for no reason.   Did I learn an important lesson from this?  No ... probably not.

You push me
I don't have the strength to
Resist or control you
Take me down, take me down
You hurt me
But do I deserve this?
You make me so nervous
Calm me down, calm me down

 

Maroon 5 - Never Gonna Leave This Bed

Milk Gravy To Die For ...

I'm tired ... and for some reason my shoulder is killing me ...
so I'm just going to leave this here.

 

We went for Thursday night fried chicken at Top Cat's ...
and this is a conversation that happened
between my Mom and me tonight:

Mom:  I'm starving!
Me:  Me too ... I skipped lunch.

Mom:  And it smells SO good in here!
Me:  I know, right?!  Hmmm ... I should've asked
(my honey) if he wanted to come have chicken tonight.
Mom:  You should have!

[Fast Forward 20 minutes ... the food has arrived and
my fingers are now covered in chicken grease.]

Me:   Um ... remember that inviting him thing?
Thank God I didn't do that.
Mom:   Why?

Me:   [wiggles my fingers at her]
Mom:  So?  People eat chicken with their fingers.
 Everybody eats chicken with their fingers.
I bet he eats chicken with his fingers.
Are you going to go the rest of your life
and never eat fried chicken in front of him?

Me:  [Pause]  Yes ... yes I am.

It's not my fault ... it is what it is.   There is no way to be delicate, dainty, or attractive while eating fried chicken ... fried chicken is not date food.   Which is kinda sad because their gravy is to die for.  Speaking of to die for ... Jesus Christ my shoulder hurts.   Where's the aspirin??

If you'll be my Dixie Chicken
I'll be your Tennessee Lamb
And we can walk together down in Dixieland
Down in Dixieland

Little Feat - Dixie Chicken

I'm Pretty Sure I Was Switched At Birth ...

So my brother called me today.  I didn't notice I had a missed call on my phone ... but I saw a private message had popped up on Facebook.  So ... if you got a text message from a relative that only had two words, "Call me" ... and then saw you had three  missed calls from that person ... you would assume there was something serious going on, wouldn't you?  Most people would, right? 

It isn't unreasonable to think that a private message and three missed calls in a twenty minute period means that there is something amiss.  Nope ... he needed a solution to an iPad problem. 

Why do I fall for his horseshit manipulation every time?   He only calls me two or three times a year ... and every time he makes it seem like there's some Earth shattering news ... and it is always a computer question.  Always.  Not 99% ... we're talking 100% every time.

We used to be close ... or a reasonable expectation of close.  As close as siblings can be given we're eleven years apart.  I used to look up to him ... but after he let me down all those years ago, I now ask very little of him ... and expect even less.  He's living his life down south ... and I live mine up here.

Mom is the glue that holds my brother and I together ... and if anything happens to her, I don't see either one of us spending a lot of time or effort where the other is concerned.  Sigh ... unless he's decides to buy a laptop again.  Then he'll call ...

PS ... Really?  You haven't figured out how to Google yet?  You can't just Google these things yourself?  Christ on a cracker, man ... you are killing me!

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

No Doubt - Don't Speak

It's Right There Under My Doctor Who Print ...

You know how sometimes you say something ... it just comes out of your mouth ... and then as soon as you say it, you wish like hell you could take it back?  No??  Just me?

Today we had civil rights training ... which was basically two hours of us sitting there desperately trying to stay awake while watching a presentation by video teleconference.  The bad news is that our regional director was present ... so we had to 1) attend and 2) behave.  But the good news is that he's pretty cool and kept our microphone muted for the entire presentation ... so we didn't have to be entirely quiet.

Which is why this happened ...

During the sexual harassment portion of the program, the presenter held up a large poster that read, "SEXUAL HARASSMENT IS AGAINST THE LAW" and he said, "Let's see a show of hands ... how many people have seen this poster?" 

Our regional director was the only one in the room who raised his hand.  Apparently other states had the a similar reaction ... because the presenter got upset.  "Why aren't I seeing hands?!  I'd better be seeing hands!  This is SUPPOSED to be displayed in every office!  I have one hanging in my office ... you have one hanging in your office, don't you?!"

And before I could stop myself, I'd blurted out ... "No ... I keep mine next to my bed ..."

At that point my co-workers lost it ... everyone was laughing.  I quickly said, "I didn't mean that ... not the way it came out ... I should NOT have said that ... I'm sorry ..." and the regional director turned around, looked at me and smiled, and said ... "I did not hear that, okay?"   I smiled back and said, "OhhhKAY!"

Thank God I'd already had my mid-year review.  Sigh ... I try to be good ... I really do ...    

Look at me I'm Sandra Dee
Lousy with virginity
Won't go to bed till I'm legally wed
I can't!  I'm Sandra Dee

Grease - Sandra Dee

My Circle of Friends ...

Since I had to run out of town to see some friends tonight, today's meme at "That's My Answer" seemed very approprose ...

How many people are there in your circle of friends? - Is it a big moving circle that takes in new people as it rolls along? Or is it small and compact? Or is there in fact an inner circle surrounded by a free-flowing outer one?

I assume most of us have several circles of friends.  I know I do.  There's my work circle ... my family circle ... and my inner circle.   They're all friends ... whether they're co-workers and cousins.  But my intimate circle of friends is the most important ... small ... five or six?   I guess I consider them the people who you could really pour your heart out to ... the people you turn to when you need to talk.

It consists of my best friend and her husband ... my sweetheart, who I met through my best friend and her husband ... my cousin, who I've ran with since high school ... a good friend who lives with her family in California ... and another who lives with her husband in Virginia.   I don't like to cry in front of anyone ... but if I were going to, it would be one of these people.

My circle is pretty compact ... it isn't very fluid these days.  Besides my circle of friends, there's my mom ... the three girls ... I suppose my cousin's wife.  The people I confide in are few ... and the people I depend on are even fewer.  The circle gets wider and less tightly knit ... people I work with ... people I have worked with in the past ... people I went to school with.

All in all, I'd say I'm lucky.  I'm sure there are people out there with no one ... while, as far as friends go, I have an embarrassment of riches.

Keep smiling, keep shining Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Dionne Warwick - That's What Friends Are For

Why Do My Shoulders Hurt?!

I used to drink ... a lot.  Everyone knows that ... people in my real life ... people online ... various doctors ... people living in caves.  Other than the somewhat frequent trips to the ER, I had lots of fun in my early 20's ... and I've been reflecting on it today.

Last night, my sweetie had a cookout and it was a blast.  Lots of friends came over.   We played games and sang karaoke.  He fired up the grill.  (Ha!  Get it?  Fired up the grill?  Heh heh ... I kill me.)  Anyhow ... what he cooked was delicious ... and everyone else brought tasty side dishes and desserts ... it was a great night!

So why is it ... that although not a single drop of alcohol passed my lips ... I woke up this morning feeling like I was coming off a week-long bender.  I was stiff.  My body ached.  Parts hurt that shouldn't even hurt.  My shoulders ... why do my shoulders hurt?!  This is ridiculous.  I stayed in bed until I was finally so hungry that had to either go downstairs and make something ... or start rifling through my purse looking for mints.

Years ago when I was a wild child, I used to go to the club with my friends ... close it ... and get up and go to work the next day.  How did I do that?!  Seriously!   Is this what getting older does to us?   I went to a cookout yesterday and drank nothing stronger than cream soda ... and yet I'm so sleepy I can't hardly keep my eyes open.  I even took a nap this afternoon ... what the hell?  Do I have malaria?!   I felt like laying down in the pew during mass ... and now I'm faced with the somber truth that there will be no Mad Men for me tonight.  I am just too tired!

My God ... the young me would've laughed  at this!  The young me would've told me to get off my ass and make a blender full of margaritas!  The young me would've been on the phone making plans for next week!  But these days, the old me thinks the young me was a fucking idiot and should shut the hell up.  The old me is going to sleep ... perchance to dream ... dreams of a soft, soft bed ... and winning at make out bingo ...

I don't care if Monday's blue
Tuesday's grey and Wednesday too
Thursday I don't care about you
It's Friday I'm in love

The Cure - Friday I'm In Love

The Shortest Blog Post In ThirtyWhat History ...

So today, my honey is going to have a cookout ... and I'm super excited.  I love hanging out with friends ... and cookouts ... and game nights ... what isn't awesome about this?

The bacon is cooked ... the dishes are washed ... the ingredients are organized and sorted ... and everything is fine as wine.  I don't have a lot to share today ... so have a fun Saturday, everybody!  Happy happy happy!

Get this party started on a Saturday night
Everybody's waiting for me to arrive
Sendin' out the message to all of my friends
We'll be looking flashy in my Mercedes Benz
I got lot of style, check my gold diamond rings
I can go for miles if you know what I mean
I'm comin' up so you better get this party started
I'm comin' up so you better get this party started

Pink - Get This Party Started

Five 5 ... Take Two ...

So, I answered the Friday 5 earlier today ... and then realized that, because I'm a tool, I responded to last week's questions.  Well, poop balls.  I like this meme so much, I decided to answer two in one day so I could catch up ... sorry about that, scrivener!

The Friday 5
1.  What was the last play you saw? - Sorry ... I'm going to have to answer this with a musical.  I haven't seen a play recently ... but we just saw Book of Mormon at the Fox Theater in St. Louis a month or so ago ... and it was awesome.  Seriously, I would go again in a heart beat.  WAIT ... no, I'm wrong ... I have seen a play!  The most recent play I saw was a stage production of  Rocky Horror at the local theatre center last Halloween.  It wasn't nearly as funny or as clever as Book of Mormon ... but hey ... you can never go wrong putting a dude in stilettos and fishnets!

2.  What kind of experience have you had as a performer in plays? - It's true ... I've tread the boards.  It's also true that those boards were at a small, rural high school.  But damn it ... did I ever tread them!   Let's see ... I've taken my skirt off on stage.  I've sang on stage (and let me take a moment to say to anyone who was in the audience that I'm heartily sorry about that).  I've danced (poorly) on stage.  Hell, I even gave a guy his first kiss on stage!  I didn't realize it was his first kiss at the time.  He told me about it years later when I ran into him and his wife (awkward!) at the grocery store.  When I found out I apologized.  I mean, if I'd known it was his first I would've really made it worth his while.

3.  In general, what kinds of plays most turn you on? - Turn me on?  Wow ...  um ... that's an odd turn of phrase.  I don't know that I've seen a play that has turned me on.   I've never seen Equus ... or Spring Awakenings.   So ... um ... what kind of play would turn me on?  I guess a stage production of Magic Mike?  Hey, come to think of it ... they already have stage productions of Magic Mike!  Granted, I don't go to them because I'm not that fond of crabs ... but ... hey, it's out there, girls!

4.  There are many movies* where the characters say, “Let’s put on a play,” often as a means for raising funds or bringing attention to some cause. If you and your friends decided to do that, what would be the play, who would be its star, and what role would you play in its production? - Easy peasy!  We're going to do a musical version of Gone with the Wind.  I, of course, will be Scarlet O'Hara ... a role I was born to play.   I'll write all the songs ... including the final show-stopping number ... "I Don't Give a Damn!"  It'll go something like ... "You say you're broke and that you're in a jam ... well, frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!  Something something something ham ... something something give a damn!"   Okay, I'm still working on it ... but trust me, it's gonna be a hit!

5. If I handed you a lump of Play-Doh right now and asked you to sculpt me something, what would it be? - A penis ... because I apparently have the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy.   Common ... who wouldn't sculpt a penis?!  You know you would!  If anyone answers anything but penis they're a liar!

That's it!  I'm caught up with Friday 5!   Great questions, scrivener!  Can't wait for next Friday!

Open up your mind and let me step inside
Rest your weary head and let your heart decide
It's so easy when you know the rules
It's so easy all you have to do
Is fall in love
Play the game
Everybody play the game of love

Queen - Play the Game

Return of the Meme ...

When everyone came over to celebrate the girls' birthday last month, MiniMoose said she missed me participating in daily memes like the "Friday Fiver."   She wondered why I didn't do it anymore ... and I didn't really have an answer.  I guess I just fell out of it?   It's been awhile ... but let's give it a whirl ...

The Friday 5
1. How much frosting do you like on a slice of cake (or on a cupcake)?  Come now ... let's not play games.  I'm not a slim girl ... how much frosting do I like?  I don't know ... how much frosting is available?  A corner piece with all the little edging?  Yes, please.  A center piece with one of those big ass frosting roses?  Oh hells, yes!   What's that?  You want to take a knife and scrape the icing off the rest of the cake and heap it up on my piece, thereby recreating Devil's Tower like in Close Encounters?  Let me check with my pancreas.  Yup ... I'm in!

2. What’s something else (besides cake or cupcakes) that’s excellent with frosting?   You cheeky monkey!  What else do I like frosting on?  Well ... let's see there's ... wait.  You meant food items?  Oh ... of course you did!  So did I!  Um ... yeah.   So ... other than cake, I love frosting on graham crackers.  My Mom used to make that as a snack for me when I was little.  I rarely have it these days ... once in a blue moon.   But when I do, it makes me feel just like a little kid again ... a chunky little kid whose parents don't have enough sense to not feed their daughter frosting and graham crackers.

3. How close are you (or how many years removed) from your hair turning grey?  Okay, so I already blogged about this, but here's the condensed story.  One Friday, I was getting ready for work, and noticed something.  A hair that looked suspiciously ... light.  So when I went to family dinner that night with Mom, I said, "Hey, check this out ... is this a grey hair?"  She sifted through my hair a minute and said, "Well ... look at that ..." and then unceremoniously ripped it out of my head with a triumphant, "There ... gone!"  I was so depressed about that one hair ... I went home and cried.  I know.  It's vain and illogical and stupid ... but I did.  I already have a thing about my age because I'm dating someone younger than me ... my cousin doesn't make it any easier by alternating between calling me Mrs. Robinson and Stacy's Mom ... and I did not need to see that hair!  So how close am I?  Too damned close ...

4. With whom would you say you have a frosty relationship?  Well ... that's an odd question.  I mean, there are people that I don't want anything to do with, of course. But as far as people who are currently in my life, I get along with just about everyone now.  I used to have a rather frosty relationship with my ex-sister-in-law.  I chalk it up to her singing a certain song within moments of meeting me.  But these days ... I can't think of anyone I don't get along with.  Hmmm ... other than that skinny bitch that works down in the basement ... ugh, I hate her.  I want to shove an Oreo Blizzard her throat.

5. What item in your freezer is most likely to be consumed next?  I cleaned out my freezer several months ago ... so I don't have that much in there.  There's a frozen pizza ... some chicken breasts ... some homemade breakfast sausage.  I guess I'd say it's a toss up between the two packets of frozen strawberry margarita ... and the box of White Castles.  What the hell ... let's be honest.  When I get around to consuming those two items, it'll probably be at the same time ...

So that's it!  Thank you to MiniMoose for reminding me about The Daily Meme ... now I've got even more crazy crap to write about!

But there's no sense crying over every mistake

You just keep on trying 'till you run out of cake

And the science gets done and you make a neat gun

For the people who are still alive

Jonathan Coulton - Still Alive

I'm Thinking It's the Vicodin ...

I've had a thing against Grease for years.   I used to love it.  Yes ... I knew all the words to all the songs.   But at some point something went wrong ... if I had to guess I'd say over-exposure.   I had the soundtrack and played it until I knew it frontwards and backwards and could sing it in my sleep.  Eventually I grew to hate it ... with ... a ... passion.

I'm home today ... after what was, admittedly, a rather bull-headed move on my part.  Mom offered to help me take two old televisions to the recycling center.  One voice in my head said ... Um, this is gonna be hard.  Another voice said ... Hell yeah!  We can do it!  Sigh ... I never listen to the logical voice.   Why don't I listen to the logical voice?   So, the good news is that we did it!   The bad news is that I ruptured a cyst and I'm peeing blood.   Yes ... I'll ask for help next time.  I just hate feeling like I can't do something ... and asking for help feels ... weak.

In any case, the point is that I was home, laying in bed on a heating blanket, when I saw that Grease was on.  I don't know if it was the drugs ... or if it was just curiosity ... but I left it on.  And I was pleasantly surprised to find ... it was actually fun.

I'm catching things I never caught before.   Take the drive-in scene ... Danny gives Sandy his ring and she says, "This means so much to me!  It means you really respect me."  I've never noticed this before ... but the moment she says that, Danny raises his eyebrows, rolls his eyes, and then face palms.   His reaction is hilarious.

Watching it again, I'm reminded how much I love Rizzo.  I always have.  And don't think that didn't strike the fear of God into my parents.  They watched their little girl ... who didn't want anything to do with that prissy bitch Sandy ... walking around singing, "There Are Worse Things I Could Do."  It's a wonder they didn't send me to a convent as a pre-emptive measure.

There are a few things that don't stand up well over time.  I look at it now and think ... damn, all these "kids" look at least 30 ... and Cha Cha and looks around 40.   And while I was watching it, I read a bit about the original play online and there are a lot of crazy theories about what the movie was "really hinting at" ... that Jan had an eating disorder (she supposedly loses a conspicuous amount of weight over the course of the movie) ... or that Rizzo had an abortion (there's supposed to be a deleted scene of her singing a line about "the baby's gone").   But all of those things were lost on me back in the day.  If Jan was purging, I had no idea ... and I honestly thought Rizzo had a close call.

Still ... I'll admit when I'm wrong ... and I was wrong about Grease.  It is fun ... there's only one question that remains.   Is it fun because I'm finally no longer burned out?  Or is it the Vicodin?   Either way, what the hell ... let's put the Blu-Ray on and watch it again!

I could hurt someone like me,
Out of spite or jealousy.
I don't steal and I don't lie,
But I can feel and I can cry.
A fact I'll bet you never knew.
But to cry in front of you,
That's the worse thing I could do. 

Grease - There Are Worse Things I Could Do  

Reasons I Smile ...

Today ... I'm going to write about hobbies.   I know the other day I said I wasn't going to look back anymore ... but sometimes it helps to get things out of our heads.

Everyone has hobbies ... well, just about everyone.   Some of us enjoy writing or reading or painting.  Some people love sports .... others love movies.  Some people live to travel and others spend their time cooking and trying new recipes.  There's a world of things to do ... and there's a world of people who love doing them.

But ... imagine someone who doesn't have a single hobby.   Someone who doesn't enjoy reading ... who doesn't like sports ... who doesn't want to watch movies or television ... who doesn't like being outdoors or indoors ... who doesn't dream of traveling ... but hates staying home.   Imagine someone who is miserable because there is nothing that makes them happy.  For what it's worth, there's a name for it.  Doctors call it anhedonia ... the inability to experience pleasure.

That's what life used to be like around here.  It was difficult ... primarily because I'm the polar opposite.  I find joy in just about everything.   I'm fine with being home.  Home means reading books and watching movies or television ... or drawing or painting ... or playing piano ... or crocheting ... or writing ... cooking something tasty or taking a nap.   Seriously ... there's a hundred things I can do to keep myself occupied ... and that's not even counting things that require leaving the house like movies or dinners or game nights with friends.  There's so much to do and see in life, that you just can't experience it all!

And so ... fast forward.  I have someone special now ... and he likes football.  He likes lots of other things, of course ... but for the sake of this post, we're talking about football.  Tomorrow there's some big draft thingy going on ... and his enthusiasm makes me smile.  To see him enjoying something is very zen ... again ... it's the normality.   I suppose at some point this will burn off and it won't make me smile every time he talks about poker or sports ... but for the time being, just seeing him happy makes me very happy.

It's odd ... I know.  All I can say is that I think I'll get more normal as time goes on.   But for the time being ... when I'm out with the girls tomorrow night getting a pedicure and having dinner, it will genuinely make me smile to think he's watching his football stuff and having a blast.  It's weird to think ... this is how it's supposed to be ... I just didn't know it ...

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain,
I like watchin' the puddles gather rain
And all I can do is just pour some tea for two
And speak my point of view but it's not sane

Blind Melon - No Rain

I write two checks every month ... one to pay my mortgage ... and one to pay a loan.  Two checks ... that's it.  Other than that, I pay my bills online ... most through my credit union's bill pay ... the rest through the websites of the companies I owe ... Comcast, Springfield Clinic, etc.  Two checks ... that's it.

Which means that anything else I purchase is bought with my debit card.  Groceries ... gas ... clothes ... entertainment ... everything goes through that little piece of plastic.  Or at least ... it did.  I'm one of the unlucky ones whose debit cards were compromised when Schnuck's system got hacked.   I'm not out any money.  My account is fine.  However, my debit card was cancelled this morning ... and I won't get the new one for seven to ten days.

When the credit union first called me this morning, I thought ... seven to ten days ... that's not long.  But then I went grocery shopping at Shop n Save ... and had to write a check.  Then I went to Walgreens ... and had to write another check  Then I went to County Market ... and had to write yet another check.  Sweet baby Jesus ... what an enormous pain in the ass!

This isn't the end of the world ... it's really just an inconvenience.  I feel so self conscious when there are people behind me and I have to ask, "Can I write a check?"  It's so outdated ... I feel like I'm asking if I can pay with Confederate greenbacks.  Ugh ... that replacement card can't get here soon enough ...

Money, get away
Get a good job with more pay
And you're O.K.
Money, it's a gas
Grab that cash with both hands
And make a stash
New car, caviar, four star daydream
Think I'll buy me a football team

Pink Floyd - Money