Tuesday, December 09, 2014

I Ask For So Little ...

I want to talk about what I don't like about my job.

Let's discuss this in a vague, non-specific way ... so as not to offend any one person or persons.  I'm not complaining about any one person ... just a way in which things seem to work.  In fact, this is really not a criticism of anyone ... other than myself.  Because by writing this, I'm highlighting a huge character flaw of mine ... a complete and utter lack of patience.

So ... here's my bitch.

If you came to me and said, "ThirtyWhat, I'm hungry.  I want a box of macaroni and cheese ... but I've never made it before.  Will you show me how?"  I'm all over that shit.  I'll walk you through it.  Although, to be brutally honest, I'll be thinking to myself, "The directions are on the side of the box, numb nuts" and I'll be judging the shit out of you.   But nonetheless, I will help.

Likewise, if you came to me and said, "ThirtyWhat ... I'm making this box of macaroni and cheese ... but I can't remember how long to cook the noodles.  Do you remember?"  Again, that's reasonable.  I'm all over that shit.  Seven minutes ... spoon out a noodle to see if it's soft enough for you.  Bam. Noodles. Done.

Or how about "ThirtyWhat ... I'm making this box of macaroni and cheese ... but I can't remember ... do I use any butter when I add the packet of cheese?"  Yet another valid question.  

I have no problem with any of these scenarios.

Here's what I have a problem with ...

"Hey, ThirtyWhat ... I know I've made 
macaroni and cheese a dozen
times now ... but I don't remember ...
I boil the water, right?"


"Okay, so ... the water is boiling ... 
I put the noodles in the water, right?"
Sigh ... yes.

"Okay, so ... I drain the water, right?  
Is that okay?  That I drained the water?"
Ugh ... yes.

"Okay, so ... is okay that I put the empty box 
in the garbage? I mean, it's empty so ... 
do I need to do something with it?  
Or can I throw it away."
(Sound of my head exploding)

I don't mind answering valid, reasonable questions.  That's the foundation of a good working relationship ... that we can come to each other with our issues.  I get that.  But if you interrupt my work flow to say, "This order says I need to mail a hard copy.  So, am I supposed to print off a copy and mail it to them?"

No.  Not at all.  You're supposed to choreograph an interpretative dance describing the contents of the legal documents ... then videotape yourself performing said interpretative dance ... then mail them a DVD of this same dance.

Jesus H. Christ on a rubber tipped crutch.  Where's the Tylenol.

Round and round,
But the conversation always ends where it began.
Round and round,
And I need a vacation.
I got a headache from you

Kelly Osbourne - Shut Up


  1. Anonymous4:14 PM

    This was hilarious -- because it was so on point. Then it made sense in a weird way when I get to the part about legal documents and realize we could be co-workers (but for you living hundreds and hundreds of miles away from CA.). Makes me wonder if all of our collective helicopter parenting isn't coming back to bit us.

  2. I hadn't considered that ... but that's a wonderful point! So many people are doing the whole helicopter parenting ... maybe that generation thinks every single thing they do has to be approved and verified and applauded.

    This particular incident involved a kid just out of college ... and they want to ask about every ... single ... thing. Just stop! I got asked today, "The client wants color copies printed and Fed Ex'ed. Should I print this one?" (Looks over my shoulder at their screen ... sees LARGE gold seal ... considers suicide.)

    I do live hundreds and hundreds of miles away from CA ... but I think the experience of people working in our field must be (unfortunately) pretty similar. Sorry we're on the same boat ... :)