Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Yup ... I'm That Idiot ...

So I'm an idiot.  I think we're all clear on that issue.  No one is debating it.

Ever year, I've gotten those last minute e-mails from Amazon and ThinkGeek and Best Buy.   From about December 15th on, it's a count down.

"SIX more days! Plenty of time!"
"FIVE more days! You can still order!"
"FOUR more days! Free shipping!
"THREE more days! There's still time!"

I have always scoffed at these e-mails.  "Idiots," I thought.  "Who waits until two days before Christmas and pays for overnight shipping?  How fucking stupid do you have to be to do that?!"

Pretty fucking stupid, let me tell you ...

So ... two or three months ago, Stoney mentioned a particular limited/collectible item that was going to be sold ... just casually saying, "Doesn't this sound cool?"  And so I bought it.  Boom.  First present.  This was probably late September.   Then in November I bought something else that kind of went with that gift.  I was well on my way to being done long before Christmas.

Then I thought of something I'd kind of like to give him.  I looked at options online two or three times a week ... never ordering.  Finally, last week, I got on Amazon ... picked one ... and ordered it.   The day before, I'd ordered several gifts for the girls ... and we ended up getting about nine boxes one evening.  The large box from Amazon was full of this and that ... gifts for four or five people.   And I thought his last gift was just part of the mix.

It wasn't.

I got back on Amazon three days ago ... just to make sure I was giving the right gift to the right girl ... and I noticed out of the corner of my eye that there was something in my cart.  But in my defense ... that happens a lot.   I'll look at something and consider buying it ... add it to my cart ... and go back a week later and either delete it or purchase it.  It's not something that's uncommon with me.

So fast forward ... two nights ago.  Stoney went to the bedroom to give me some personal space ... and I wrapped a few presents that I didn't want him to see.  I looked ... and this one odd little item was not in the box.  I looked everywhere in the closet.  I took boxes and tubs out of the closet ... thinking it fell behind something.  I finally woke Stoney up and asked him, rather angrily, "Did you get in the gift closet??"  He assured me he hadn't ... and I went back out to, once again, re-check the closet and boxes and discarded packing.

Finally, I sat down ... and, in desperation, looked at my Amazon orders.  I had never pushed the final "purchase" button.  The item was in my shopping cart.  Just sitting there ... staring at me accusingly ... saying, "Yeah, ya fucking moron ... you didn't buy me!  Christmas is ruined ... are you happy now??"

I was dejected ... and panicked ...

It wasn't a necessary gift, by any means.  But it was something small that I thought might go nicely with another present of his.   And so, the next day ... we're now two days before Christmas, if you're keeping track ... I went to work and set off to find this item.

Best Buy had nothing in stock ... nor did Office Max ... or Staples ... or Walmart ... or Target.  Even Amazon made it clear that they did not guarantee Christmas Eve delivery on any item.  Ugh ... I was that idiot.  I was trying to buy a specific last minute gift ... and I was willing to pay overnight shipping.  Jesus H. Christ.  What has this world come to?!

I found it ... and found a retailer willing to overnight it.  Even they didn't guarantee overnight delivery.  By bedtime, I hadn't received a shipping notice ... hadn't received a "final confirmation" ... and so I knew that I was swimming upstream.  I knew this was just not meant to be.

But this morning, I opened my email to find an invoice, a final confirmation, and a shipping notice.  I looked at the tracking number ... fully expecting it to still be somewhere on the west coast ... and then it happened.  The Christmas Miracle I'd been waiting for.  It was on the truck ... scheduled to be delivered today.

So yes.  I've fallen prey to consumerism and the large Christmas industrial complex.  I practically broke a hind leg to get a small item that he might not even want to use.  But goddamnit ... it's Christmas ... and I was going to get it.

The moral of this story?  Do not store items in your Amazon cart.  And be sure to hit the purchase button.  And don't pay for overnight shipping.  Basically, don't be me.

Bob - Fifth day of Christmas, my true
love gave to me:  five golden toques!
Doug - Four pounds of backbacon,
Bob - Three French toast,
Doug - Two turtlenecks,
Bob - And a beer, what was it?
Together - In a tree!

Bob & Doug McKenzie - 12 Days of Christmas


  1. Anonymous5:31 PM

    Merry Christmas to you and yours.

  2. Merry Christmas, ThirtyWhat. :)