I had a realization last night. Most everything I fear right now is about me. It's a problem with me. Not with the world ... or my Mom ... or Stoney.
So here's the thing ... at this very moment, Stoney is on his way to a job interview. The details don't matter ... I'll just say that it's five hours away and with a prestigious company. When all of these opportunities started coming up a month or so ago, he asked if I would move with him and I said yes. And I meant it.
But, honestly, I was sick with worry. We have to finish selling my house. We'd have to sell his. I'd have to get a new job there because I need health insurance. On top of all that ... I'd be leaving my mom. She's seventy two ... and just the fact that I'd be leaving her weighed a lot on my mind.
But last night it came to me. I get it.
The fears I have are deeper than that. That stuff above is all surface stuff. What I'm scared of is what's underneath. This situation requires trust. Not just trust that we'll be a good team and be happy together in another state. That's not an issue. We're good together and I enjoy just being around him.
No ... it's trusting that I won't be the only one working. That I won't feel alone all the time. It's trusting that I can depend on him ... because the bottom line is that we'll be depending on each other a lot more there. Last night it came to me that I'm hauling around a lot of baggage. Baggage that has taught me that when someone says, "Trust me, I'll take care of you ..." that when you desperately need them? That person will be gone.
So yes ... I am worried about my house. I am worried about money because I've just about spent all mine trying to get it ready to sell. I'm worried about selling his house. And yes, I'm worried about my mom. We talked about it tonight and she knows what is going on. She says she's alright with it ... but I know she's scared too.
All of that is true. But my trust issues? That's on me. That's something I have to fix. Years ago, when I was scared to even ask Stoney to go out with me, K told me, "Fix this shit." And she might as well have been sitting with me ... because I heard her voice telling me, "Fix this shit."
My cousin, T ... whom I've written about many, many times ... loved adventure. And if he were here, he'd be telling me to GO ... have FUN ... make this an ADVENTURE. Before he died, T told me not to make Stoney pay for the things someone else did that hurt me. And I'm thinking this trust issue? Is doing just that ... and it's not fair.
I'm feeling better about the whole thing; although, I'm not trying to make this about me. This is a huge thing for Stoney. He's on his adventure right now. But he's smart and amazing ... he'll do great at the interview, there's no doubt about it. So if it's meant to be ... it's meant to be. I love him. And I'll love him in Illinois or Ohio or Iowa ... anywhere.
Good luck, baby ... although I know you don't need it.
Stretched to the point of no turning back
A flight of fancy on a windswept field
Standing alone my senses reeled
A fatal attraction holding me fast how
Can I escape this irresistible grasp?
Can't keep my eyes from the circling skies
Tongue tied and twisted Just an earth bound misfit I
Pink Floyd - Learning To Fly