Tuesday, August 09, 2016

Avoidance 101 or How To Chop Down a Forest ...

So for the moment I've found the way to handle my situation ... is to not think about it.  Looking at the forest is too overwhelming.  Therefore, I'm looking at a tree.  And once I've cut down that tree, I'll look at the next tree.

I don't have it in me to sit and think about how I'm going to juggle everything ... work and dialysis and family and friends and life in general.  I can't dwell on how I'm going to leave for work every day at six thirty in the morning and not get home on treatment nights until eight o'clock.  I can't dwell on how the money part of it will work.  All I can do is look at one single tree.

And this week's tree is the fistula surgery.  It's Friday morning ... and is just an outpatient procedure on my left arm.  The surgery itself isn't scary.  What's scary is that this is it.  This is what has to work.  And once they do it, the new vein has to get large enough to carry the blood needed.  It has to.  It's like living in a "choose your own adventure" story ... choose A by going to page 48 ... choose B by going to page 62.  The problem is that I've already read all of the A plot ... now we're onto B.  Don't like B?  Too bad.

So meanwhile ... I avoid thinking of horrible things as much as possible. 

Every minute that I'm not sleeping or working, I spend with Stoney.  He makes me laugh and smile.  Seeing a text pop up from him cheers me up.  He makes me happy.  He tolerates my weirdness ... my singing made-up songs about everything from the dish washer to the Christmas moose.

At their office picnic, Stoney and his friends tentatively planned a wedding for us that, quite frankly, sounded more creative and fun than anything I could come up with at the moment.  After hearing their sketched out plans, I was so enamored with the idea that I started making lists.  I know that we've got too much on our plate at the moment to start setting our decisions in stone ... but it's a nice start.

Also, for the last few months, Stoney's been working on his own health issues.  He's doing such an amazing job.  I couldn't be more proud of him.   And heck, by next year I'm going to need to be on dialysis just to keep up with him.

While I tick off the days on the calendar, I go to work ... I listen to books ... I talk with my mom ... I text with the girls and laugh at their memes and their pictures and their outdoor/indoor/outdoor cats.  The world just keeps on spinning.

And while it spins, I try not to think about what's coming up on Friday.  Because this tree is large.  But so is the next one.  And the one after that.

So ... what can you do?  Gimme that axe.

Let's get to work.

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough

REM - Losing My Religion

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