Tuesday, April 11, 2017

He's Lucky ... She's Lucky ... We're ALL Lucky ...

Stoney, my mother, and I went to dinner a couple weekends ago.  We were just siting, visiting, and enjoying our meal ... when at some point, my mom casually commented that it was good that I wasn't one of those women who wanted children ... since I could never have one.

I sat there speechless for a moment and thought, "Does she seriously not remember?"  Or did she purposefully forget?

For years I wanted a baby.  I ached for a baby.  I might've forgotten this part of my past ... except for remembering the side effect of this longing.  Any time the subject came up, my mother constantly reminded me of Steel Magnolias and that, with my kidney disease, I was going to leave them to raise a motherless child.  She told me several times that wanting a child was selfish.  And, quite frankly, I remember me being young and stupid and not caring what she thought about the subject.

Because I went to doctors.  So many doctors.  One would tell me, "Of COURSE you can have children with your condition! We'll get you on safe blood pressure medication and you can start trying any time!" Then the next doctor would say, "What is WRONG with you?! Why would you DO this? Do you not know how SERIOUS this disease is?"  Only to be told six months later, "What? Oh no, you can have children. There's no reason you can't!"

The roller coaster was mentally and emotionally exhausting. Of course there were multiple reasons why the baby thing wasn't happening. My medical issues were certainly a contributing factor. But, despite advances in medical technology, you still have to be having sex in order to get knocked up.  And, by then, that wasn't happening.

When I started having terrible menstrual issues, my gynecologist told me a hysterectomy was necessary and inevitable.  He started to schedule it and I broke down and cried in his office. I told him I hadn't given up on the idea of having a baby.   He stopped writing, put his pen down, and told me that was fine ... but that my problems were bad enough that I would be back begging him to schedule it by the end of the year.

My final period, two months later, lasted 48 days. I was anemic and weak and sick. And the doctor was right. I went to him, defeated, and asked him to schedule the procedure. I was heart broken. The decision was no longer mine.

And at that point, this new story started taking shape. I never wanted children. I joked about hating babies and not wanting to be around children in general.  I went to other people's baby showers and gave gifts. I visited with friends and politely declined to hold their bouncing new additions. I refused to be one of those bitter, mournful women in the park looking at the strollers and coveting everyone else's happiness.  And I guess this narrative spread to my Mom ... because she now announces I'm lucky that I never wanted to be a mother.

Yeah, I'm so lucky.

Good love is hard to find
Good love is hard to find
You got lucky, babe
You got lucky, babe
When I found you

Tom Petty - You Got Lucky

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry. I know how much this hurts and man oh man this is the worst time of year for us. I'm glad you're still blogging, by the way, even if I don't comment much.