Thursday, June 29, 2017

I'm So Sorry ...

The spoon theory is real.  And it's frustrating and disappointing that, most days, what I can do is extremely limited by the amount of energy I can muster.   I'm proud that I still work full time while doing dialysis ... so many people don't ... but that means a large slice of that daily pie has to go towards my job.  I'm afraid friends and family and fun suffer these days.

David Sedaris tells a story about how your life is like a stove.  You have four burners ... work, friends, family, and health.  To really be successful in one area, you have to turn off a burner ... sometimes even two.  To succeed in business, some people neglect friends ... or family.    In my case, two of these burners have to be on ... health and work.  My third burner, family, is on ... but they don't get the attention they should. 

Stoney gets all my love and attention ... but he's right there.  I just have to reach out to hug him or hold him or thank him for everything he does.  My mom ... I call her every day and try to make plans with her every couple weeks so that she feels loved.   The girls ... well, we text and talk all the time but I don't see them like I would like.  They have busy lives and, again, when they are free, I'm usually too exhausted to do anything after work.  Just last week, I wrote out a thoughtful note card to my aunt, replying to a note card she sent me ... in October of last year.  That's just unforgivable.  The friends burner is out ... and the family burner is flickering ...

I was invited to a bar tonight to celebrate a co-worker's new job ... and, although I originally said I would go, I just can't.  My body is aching and I want so bad to just lie down.  It helps so much to stretch out ... and I feel like a loser, but I don't feel social ... I feel like curling in a ball right now.  I've already taken one anti-nausa pill.  By five o'clock?   I'll just be focusing on getting home.

And so I apologize.  To everyone I miss ... everyone I don't get to see as often as I would like.  To our friends who are amazing and understanding.  To Stoney who doesn't get date nights as often as we used to ... to everyone who texts or Facebook messages me and doesn't get a text back for a day or two or five.  Sometimes, when you're at the end of the day, there just aren't any extra spoons.

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
Nine Inch Nails - Hurt

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