Why I'm Fat ...

At seventeen, I moved into my first apartment.   I remember going to the grocery store for the first time to buy groceries "like an adult."   I remember my joy in picking out bottles of ketchup and mustard ("This is MY ketchup!") and thinking how stereotypical that I was buying milk and bread and eggs.   I was very reserved on this shopping excursion ... nothing extravagant.  Not that I had the money to be that extravagant.  I do remember buying a small ham and thinking, "This ham is proof ... I am officially grown up."

A few months later, I bought a cake for someone's birthday and I had a small party at my apartment.  There were leftovers, of course.   And while doing the dishes, I reached over and took a finger full of icing off the cake ... and it hit me.

People call this an "ah hah" moment.   Although there should probably be another name for a negative revelation.

I remember stopping ... looking at that cake ... and thinking, "I could eat all this icing ... and no one would tell me to stop."  It was like the scales dropped from my eyes and I saw everything in a different light.  All those times when I was little and my mom took me shopping and I begged for a hot dog or pretzel at the food stand and she said no?  I could get that hot dog now.  I could buy that pretzel!

Honestly, from that moment until today, I've had a terribly unhealthy relationship with food.  Someone I dated once told me, "Food is fuel ... not enjoyment."  I wish ... and I'm not kidding ... I desperately wish that I could think that way.  But I don't.

Stoney and his friends from work went to a Cardinals game today and won't be home until around seven o'clock or so tonight.   When we talked about everything this morning, my entire evening immediately formed in my head.  I would pick up something delicious and take it home ... I would turn on the air conditioning and take a hot shower ... I would get into some soft and comfy pajamas ... and I would eat whatever that delicious thing might be ... whether it was a Monty's sub sandwich or a Long John Silver's peg leg or a Taco Gringo sancho.

I'm a responsible, reasonable adult.  I know that I should not plan an evening by myself around food ... let alone something as unhealthy as fast food.  But again, as my post yesterday stated, I don't really have an answer.  It's not out of control ... I'm not binging on anything as my stomach doesn't have a lot of room for food with my kidneys pressed against it.  But nevertheless, I'm not making good choices.  I know that.

But from that day ... in a tiny, sweltering hot attic apartment ... until right at this moment ... I've found myself thinking, "I have money, I have a car, and I can have anything I want."   Tonight ... I think I want a Monty's turkey sub with extra dressing.

Sigh ... nope ... I won't be getting thin any time soon ...

Somebody told me
Boy, everything she wants is everything she sees
I guess I must have loved you
Cause I said you were the perfect girl for me

Wham - Everything She Wants