Thursday, January 27, 2005

We're all whores ...

God money's not looking for the cure
God money's not concerned about the sick among the pure
God money let's go dancing on the backs of the bruised
God money's not one to choose

So, I missed the memo ... at what point did everyone become a whore? At what point did everyone decide to sell their soul to the god of cash? Have you seen this one?

Ellen DeGeneres? Yeah, okay.
Tiger Woods? Well, obviously.
But DeNiro? Robert fucking DeNiro???

Hell, everybody's gotta pay their bills. I understood when Modern English's "Melt With You" was hawking cheeseburgers ... hell, that was probably the first big check those poor bastards saw in years. I understood "Pictures of You" selling digital picture technology ... because, well, I like the Cure ... and I thought it was so tragically hip.

But last night was the proverbial straw that broke this camel's hump. I see this artsy blue-tinted walk through New York ... there's a voice over saying things like, "This is where I live ... This is where I spend time with my family ..." and then it fades into Robert DeNiro's face transparently overlayed with a picture of Tribeca ... and he solemnly pronounces, "This is my card."

"The first angel sounded,
and there followed hail,
and fire mingled with blood,
and they were cast upon the earth:
and the third part of the trees were burnt up,
and all green grass was burnt up.
And then Robert DeNiro
did a credit card commercial."

I'm pretty sure I've heard the first trumpet sound. Prepare for the fire and the brimstone, people. I mean, common ... Janis Joplin was sold out to Mercedes Benz ... but at least she was dead. She's got a pretty good fucking excuse in my book. And, while we're on the subject, I'm positive the woman is still rotating in her grave over that one.

Hey, can somebody check for me ... is Robert DeNiro still with us? He is? Well then it really is the end of the world as we know it ... and no, I do not feel fine.

Yes, yes, yes ... I've heard about the foreign market. Celebrities frequently go overseas and do commercials that they would never do here in the states. They get a little extra scratch on the side and generally no one knows or cares.

As far as I'm concerned, Robert DeNiro (Taxi Driver ... Raging Bull ... American Express?) can go overseas and do as many whiskey, car, or condom commercials as he wants ... but don't piss in the water you swim in. Common, man ... you're an artist. I don't expect you to spend your days starving up in a loft somewhere covered in sackcloth and ashes ... but what's next? Surreal Life?

You know, that's a damned fine idea. Let's round up all these "artists" who have decided that coin is more important than respect. We'll stick them all in a big house and start filming "Surreal Life 5".

We'll obviously have Bob ... then we'll invite Lenny Kravitz since he's apparently tattooed "Gap" and "Target" on his ass ... Iggy Pop because he'll proudly sell his shit to anyone who asks ... Catherine Zeta-Jones because she must have signed a lifetime contract of indentured servitude to T-Mobile ... and hey, don't forget Johnny Cash. Yes, I said Johnny Cash ... I don't care if he's dead! His zombie just loves eating at Applebees!

Yeah, I know. I shouldn't get my panties in a bunch ... I mean, just look at some of the honored who went before ...

Aerosmith - Gap
Andrew WK - Coors
Bare Naked Ladies - Mitsubishi
The Beach Boys - Evian
Bill Withers - Gap & Pringles
Blondie - Mazda
Bob Dylan - Victoria's Secret
The Breeders - Nissan
CCR - Wrangler
Chemical Brothers - Nissan
Cream - Hyundai
Crystal Method - Gap
The Cult - Nissan
David Bowie - Renault, FTD, Absolut Vodka
Deeelite - Fiat
Devo - Target
Donovan - Levi Dockers
Dwight Yoakam - Gap
Enrique Iglesias - Doritos
Garth Brooks - Dr. Pepper
Led Zeppelin - Cadilac
Limp Bizkit - Worthington's beer
Lit - Nissan
LL Cool J - Gap
Macy Gray - Ford Focus, Ipod
Madonna - Gap
Marilyn Manson - Vodaphone
Oingo Boingo - Budweiser
Ozzy Osbourne - Pepsi
Pet Shop Boys - Ford
Reba McEntire - Pepsi
Rolling Stones - Apple, Microsoft
Seal - Nissan
Sex Pistols - Absolut Vodka
Sheryl Crow - Jeep
Smash Mouth - Nissan
The Smithereens - Nissan
The Smiths - Nissan
Steve Miller Band - USPS
Stevie Ray Vaughn - Nissan
Sting - Compaq/HP, Jaguar
Stoned Temple Pilots - Nissan
Styx - California Cheese
Suzanne Vega - Nissan
T Rex - Mitsubishi
Toby "Ford Truck Man" Keith - Ford Trucks
U2 - Guinness Pub Draught, Ipod
Van Halen - Pepsi
The Who - Clarinex, Nissan
ZZ Top - Gap

... and finally ...
... may God have mercy on their souls ...

Beatles - Nike, Lincoln-Mercury

So fuck it ... I give up. The sales pigs of the world win. Don't mind me. I'm just gonna drive home in my Nissan, change out of my Gap khakis, grab an ice cold Pepsi and eat California Cheese on Doritos that I bought on sale at Target.

Bow down before the one you serve
You're going to get what you deserve
Bow down before the one you serve
You're going to get what you deserve

Nine Inch Nails - Head Like a Hole

1 comment:

  1. Thirty-

    Just glancing through your archives, and I came across this post. This is great. I always get so peeved at guys like Deniro doing this sort of thing.