Friday, March 18, 2005

... and grass is green ...

First, let me say ... I am so sick of sports. If it's not March Madness on four separate channels ... then it's 14 hours of the House Government Reform Committee's hearing on steroids in baseball.

Jumping Jesus Christ on a pogo stick ... do we need to have a hearing to decide whether or not Mark "Big Mac" McGwire did steroids? Are you fucking kidding me? His arms were as big as tree trunks, people!

If you're one of the handful of people who were shocked to learn there's steroids in baseball ... then take a seat ... I have a couple other things you should probably hear ...

Professional wrestling ... is not real ...
Ellen Degeneres ... is a lesbian ...
McDonalds food ... is not healthy for you ...
Mrs. Butterworth bottles ... will not speak to you ...

Let me pause for a moment to explain ... I'm not aiming this rant at kids. Sadly, there were a lot of little ones back in the 90's who probably grew up idolizing Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa. Those same kids are now teenagers who are probably pretty disillusioned to find out the whole "home run race" was a sham.

But, you know ... those same kids also believed in the Easter Bunny years ago ... and I don't think they'll spend their entire lives thinking a cute, furry bunny in a bow tie is going to be dropping off chocolate at their houses each spring. It's a sick, sad world ... and eventually we all figure that out.

Speaking of this sick, sad world ... when asked by Rep. Elijah Cummings whether he was asserting his Fifth Amendment right not to incriminate himself, McGwire said, "I'm not here to talk about the past. I'm here to be positive about this subject." And, when asked whether use of steroids was cheating, McGwire said, "That's not for me to determine." Really, Big Mac? Then who's job is it?

Somebody better decide soon ... or Major League Baseball is going to be taken about as seriously as the WWF.

Bound at every limb by my shackles of fear
Sealed with lies through so many tears
Lost from within, pursuing the end
I fight for the chance to be lied to again

Evanesence - Lies

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