Monday, March 21, 2005

Somehow, it doesn't make me feel better ...

In a recent New York Times article, Maureen Dowd wrote, "Research published last week in the journal, Nature, reveals that women are genetically more complex than scientists ever imagined, while men remain the simple creatures they appear."

"Women are mosaics, one could even say chimeras, in the sense that they are made up of two different kinds of cell. Whereas men are pure and uncomplicated, being made of just a single kind of cell throughout."

Although that kind of information should make me happy, somehow, I don't find it comforting.

Let's say you go to a car lot ... and you see a shiney new 2005 model. It's totally loaded ... electric locks and windows ... cruise control ... sunroof ... CD changer in the trunk ... the thing does everything but cook dinner for you. So, you're standing in the lot looking at it ... and you hear that small voice in your head.

Maybe it's the critical voice of your mother or father ... maybe it's your curmudgeonly old consumer ed teacher ... who knows. But whoever it is, that voice whispers to you, "Yeah, it's loaded ... but that just means there's more things that can go wrong ..."

Women's chromosomes may have more complexity ... but at this moment, it feels like that only means there's more things that can go wrong.

Last year, my doctor diagnosed me with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome ... not an enormous surprise since something was obviously wrong ... and I suppose it was helpful to be able to put a name to it.

It's hard to imagine how something so small as tiny cysts on an ovary can throw such a big a monkey wrench in the machine. Although I'm blessed to not have hirsutism, I do deal with thinning hair, weight issues, infertility, and menorrhagia caused by hormonal imbalances.

The worst part is not knowing which emotions are real. I always feel like crying, go through periods where I want to scream at everyone, and alternate between feeling hopeless, feeling helpless, and feeling like a complete failure.

It's terrible to doubt yourself ... am I angry because one of my clients got yet another virus on her computer ... or am I just hormonal? Am I really depressed because (yet another) friend is pregnant ... or am I just hormonal? Am I really this tired ... or am I just hormonal? It's enough to make you doubt your sanity.

So, Maureen, while in my head I can appreciate that we're fully-loaded ... in my heart, I just don't think I can afford the mechanic's ticket on this model.

Set my mind for open sky, but couldn't fly, so sadly
What am I? What am I?
Sullen eyes shed teardrop lies then criticize, now laughing
What is real? What is real?
It's really all become too much
I'm not sure what I should feel
I guess I've finally had enough
I don't know if this is real

Cowboy BeBop - Is It Real?


  1. Every month I go through the same thing. I get the deep depression or the deep anger. Personally, I'd rather have the anger. I tend to write better.

    Depression does nothing but make me overeat and ignore my household chores.

    I'm usually a pretty easy going person, so whenever stuff really starts to bug me I check the calendar.

    The big thing I've noticed that helps control the hormones is changing my diet. When I eat better, I tend to have less PMS symptoms. You would think that would be motivation enough to eat right.

    Meditation/prayer helps too. What I find fascinating are the women who won't admit they have PMS/hormone problems when it's clear that they do.

  2. OMIGOD ... you know, I'd bet money my husband would choose weepy over angry any day of the week ... but I'm with you ... I think I write better when I'm angry. LOL

    About a month ago, my doctor suggested endometrial ablation to help with the symptoms. He basically said my two choices were that procedure or a full hysterectomy. What a choice, eh?

    I'll have to read up on the diet issue. I hadn't heard that ... and frankly, I'd consider anything that would help ... short of leeches! haha

  3. I was diagnosed with the same thing 3 months ago and I have found myself incresingly becoming more and more depressed with my life in general. I've done everything from alienate ALL my friends with my bitchiness to quitting my job. I tried to explain everything to my best friend (a gay man) and he just didn't get it.
    One of the hardest things was dealing with the fact that I probably won't be able to have any kids. Luckily, I have an amazing daughter already, but the emptiness is still there.
    You're not alone. Sometimes being a girl sucks.

  4. Megan - I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this too. I think it's hard for men to "get" this ... because we look so ... well, normal on the outside.

    Sadly, a friend of mine at work says she's finally had enough ... her doctor suggested ablation a couple years ago and she's always said no because she wanted to keep the option of children open. She confided in me today that she's have the post-op work done next week ... and she's going through with it.

    Not having children is a heart-breaking thought ... but I can't blame her ... living this way doesn't seem like an option either.