Monday, March 28, 2005

You insidious bastards!

I love the Tender Crisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch
The breasts they grow on trees
And the streams of bacon ranch dressing
Flow right up to your knees
There's tumbleweeds of bacon
And cheddar paves the streets
You get to veg all day
All the lotto tickets pay
There's a king who wants you
To have it your way
That's the Tender Crisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch

You fuckers. You've finally done it. After months of wheedling ... cajoling ... and millions spent on marketing ... I finally want a TENDER CRISP BACON CHEDDAR RANCH! Are you happy?

There was the initial shock ... I mean, common ... Darius Rucker in urban-cowboy, porn-star couture? Are you stoned? Hey, Hootie ... Porter Wagner called ... he says to stay the fuck outta his closet.

I've finally figured it out ... there are three stages. Stage one consists of spending days almost subconsciously humming that evil song under your breath. Stage two accelerates as you spend weeks walking around murmuring "chicken bacon cheddar raaaaaaaanch" like some kind of fucking rainman savant. Finally, you slip into stage three ... where you feel compelled to withdraw money you don't have just to buy Burger King's newest arrhythmia on a bun.

You've gotta admit, after watching this commercial for the six thousandth time, who wouldn't want to go down to the Bacon Cheddar Ranch? Breasts grow on trees? Streams of ranch dressing? Bacon tumbleweeds? All the LOTTO tickets PAY??? It's practically a dream come true ... except for that hideous man-beast they call the king.

(According to another Burger King commercial, when the king isn't pushing bimbos on swings down at the ranch, he's standing outside of people's bedroom windows with breakfast sandwiches. Don't open those blinds, people ... you don't want to know what's out there.)

So, since I'm at stage three ... I'm afraid I have no choice but to drive down to the Burger King "ranch" and plop down my hard earned money on this marketing nightmare. Wish me luck ... and if I'm not back in three days ... somebody feed my dog ...

The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part

Tom Petty - The Waiting Is the Hardest Part

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