Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Won't Get Fooled Again ...



Fuck you, Steven Spielberg.
Fuck you and the metallic, equestrian, tripod you rode in on.

Fifty four dollars, Steve. Fifty four dollars is how much is costs for my family to go to the theatre to see a movie. Fifty four dollars does not include nachos or pretzels or an Icee. No, fifty four dollars is exactly what it costs to buy five matinee tickets, two bags of popcorn and four drinks.

Surf over to any news source and you'll find endless stories recounting Hollywood's worst box-office slump in 20 years. Studios are openly weeping over the public's decision to Just Say No to the enormous pile of dog shit that's being offered as entertainment at your local cineplex.

Who the fuck greenlighted The Dukes of Hazzard? I mean, honestly, was there a conversation that went something like, "Sure ... I think Johnny Knoxville will make a great leading man! Naw, we don't need to kick him in the nuts anymore to get people to watch. Just stick that media whore, Jessica Simpson, in the script somewhere and we'll be sure to have a hit on our hands!"

Or how about Herbie: Fully Loaded? I'm sorry ... but, when did that seem like a prudent financial move? The Bad News Bears? Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, I'll see that ... right after I take out a home equity loan and treat everybody to a showing of Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.

But Steven ... Steve ... we expect more from you. Minority Report? Saving Private Ryan? Jurassic Park? Raiders of the Lost Ark? Common, Steve ... remember Raiders of the Lost Ark? Those movies sucked me in and time stood still. The lights came up and I still wanted more.

I was so excited about seeing War of the Worlds. I watched the trailers ... I read the articles ... I bought the hype. But yesterday, when the lights came up, I looked over at our 18 year-old and said, "I've been bamboozled."

Do you Hollywood types realize that we don't have fifty four dollars to waste on crap? You wonder why we aren't going to the theatre in droves? That is why! If you spend a lot of money and enjoy yourself, then it's worth it. If you spend a lot of money and walk out feeling like you've just been mugged ... well, fool me once.

So, go ahead ... keep blaming the ongoing slump on DVD sales, big screen TV's, or file swapping. And while you're at it, keep making craptacular movies like Hitch or Christmas With the Kranks. After all, it couldn't be the lack of imagination, mediocre acting, and terrible execution that's killing your industry ... could it?

Meet the new boss
Same as the old boss

The Who - Won't Get Fooled Again

7 comments:

  1. Jenna4:33 PM

    lol.

    Raiders of the Lost Ark was good, wasn't it? :)

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  2. Jenna4:35 PM

    (Hopefully Willy Wonka makes up for your loss.)

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  3. LOL ... OMIGOD ... it better! I would LOVE to get all snobbish and say I'm writing off all movies ... but common! Willie Wonka's out next Friday and I'm so on board!

    But ... if that's bad ... God help us all! LOL

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  4. Hi ThirtyWhat. I've been reading your blog for a few months now, and I love it. This post on WotW had me in stitches. You almost ruined a perfectly good pair of shorts! If you're interested, I've got a review of this stellar acheivement in cinema on my own blog. It didn't cost me as much to see it (my kids aren't old enough, so it was just my fiance and me), but it was still too much. The popcorn was good though.

    Maybe next summer James Cameron can remake The Day the Earth Stood Still. Kevin Costner could star as a block of wood with a chin.

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  5. LOL, Yomper ... I'm surfing over to your blog now. After they wrap up filming on "The Day the Earth Stood Still", I'm going to lobby for them to remake "Mars Needs Women" ... with Johnny Knoxville and Jessica Simpson. LOL

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  6. Johnny Knoxville is only entertaining when he's getting kicked in the balls, shot with a taser, etc. In that respect, he's a more talented performer than Jessica Simpson. What does she put on her income tax forms for OCCUPATION? Celebrity?

    Want a little (and I mean little) revenge for your wasted money? Wait until WotW is out on DVD (just in time for Christmas, I'll bet), then rent it with some sarcastic friends and give it the Mystery Science Theater treatment. In the scene where the aliens go poking through the basement make up dialog using the aliens' voices from "Mars Attacks!" "Dak-dak? DAAAAAK-DAK!!"

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  7. OMIGOD ... I love Mars Attacks. Mr. ThirtyWhat bought me the DVD a few years back ... it's a total hoot.

    Jessica Simpson ... I don't even know what to say about her. I hope she's invested well ... because beauty doesn't last forever and I'm afraid that's about the only thing she's got going for her.

    But hey, I guess I shouldn't knock her ... it's more than I've got! LOL

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