Well, I took a half day off work yesterday and paid a $15 co-pay just so I could hear my doctor ... no ... my specialist ... say the words, "There's something wrong." Isn't that special? There's something wrong. Really? You think so?
Insert Sarcasam Here: God, I can't imagine! Something wrong? I mean, I've been working with several doctors for ten months now to find the source of the crippling pain in my lower left side of my pelvis. The same pain that's caused me to miss countless days of work? The same pain that's caused me to carry a bottle of Darvoset with me at all times in case I have an "episode?" And you think there's something wrong? Are you sure???
I'm not trying to be a total bitch here but I think telling a patient, "well, there's something wrong" has got to be the most thoughtless, inconsiderate thing to say to someone who's been coping with chronic pain for months. I'm not being a hypocondriac. I'm not being a baby. I've ruled out possibilities one by one and I have to say I've been pretty fucking patient about it up until now. Let me tell you what isn't causing the pain:
Urinary Tract Infection - Ruled out by urinalysis
Bowel Obstruction - Ruled out by x-rays
Kidney Stones - Ruled out by sonogram
Lactose Intolerance - Ruled out by food diary
Gallbladder - Already removed
IBS - Ruled out by blood count, x-rays, etc
Food Allergies - Ruled out by food diary
Ten months later, when my nephrologist refers me to my gynecologist, I've already got a good idea that there's something wrong. I asked him bluntly if we could be looking at endometriosis or, worst case, ovarian cancer . Want to know what the answer was? "Well, sure ... it could be anything at this point." Hate to disagree ... but no, as a matter of fact, it can't be anything because I've ruled out everything but my reproductive system.
And hey, I learned something new yesterday. Apparently my sonogram from two years ago said that the cysts on the left ovary were more "remarkable" than the ones on the right ... but apparently that wasn't important enough to share at the time. See, had I known that little fact, I might not have spent ten months ruling out every renalogical, urological, and gastrointestinal issue known to man. I might've gone to my gynecologist first.
So, now along with polycystic kidney disease and polycystic ovarian disease ... there's also something wrong with my left ovary. He did an internal exam and said the left ovary was enlarged. Any episodes I'm having probably stem from issues with that ovary. He wants to do a sonogram, blood test, and urinalysis while I'm having an episode. So, now ... we wait.
In the beginning, back in December of last year, the pain would come every couple of months. Back then the it hurt for a day or less and then it was gone. It became more frequent. Once a month ... every few weeks ... once a week. The latest episode started last Friday about 4 a.m. and the pain didn't subside until Monday afternoon. That's the longest and worst one yet.
So, having to wait until the next "attack" to have the testing done isn't the end of the world. I'm not bitching about that ... I suppose it makes sense. But what I am bitching about is the fact that my life has come to a screeching halt. The problems it's causing are frustrating and endless.
Last weekend, I couldn't help (my ex-husband) get stuff lined up for "Cleanup Day" in the neighborhood, I couldn't help my mom put a bathroom cabinet together, I haven't been able to help my mother-in-law with her house hunting, and, worst of all, we still haven't been to see our eldest daughter march at half time all because of this fucking pain.
Everyone's been inconvenienced because of me ... and that is a horrible, horrible feeling. Even my blog's been neglected. (my ex-husband) asked me the other day why I hadn't been writing and I said I didn't want to log on and write I hurt ... hey I hurt ... guess what, I hurt ... damnit I hurt everytime I posted.
So now, we just sit back and wait. It sucks ...
These are the words I never said
This is the path I'll never tread
These are the dreams I'll dream instead
This is the joy that's seldom spread
These are the tears ...
The tears we shed
This is the fear
This is the dread
These are the contents of my head
Annie Lennox - Why