So it all comes down to this ... Step 3. We've introduced air conditioning ... because really, have you ever heard of Eskimos blowing up each other's igloos? We've introduced the concept of 24/7 programming ... because if you spend all day suckling at the glass teat, there's not a lot of time for other activities ... violent or otherwise.
And what would television be ... without advertisements. With that we come to ...
Step 3 - Comfort Foods - How many times have you been relaxing ... watching television. You're zoning out ... totally content. Suddenly you see a commercial for Burger King. BK Stacker? Damn ... that sounds good. Two minutes later Quiznos is describing their new prime rib sub ... and shortly after that Papa John's is extolling the virtues of their new pan pizza. Within a matter of minutes you've gone from content ... to craving. Marketing is a powerful tool ... and oh, don't they make trans-fat look good?
The third prong in our peace initiative is comfort food ... the feeling of satisfaction you get when tasting that Original Recipe wing. That sigh you give after eating that first hot, salty McDonalds fry straight out of the bag. We'll have to adjust the sales model to accommodate local tastes. Maybe they'd prefer a Lamb n' Cheddar in their combo meal ... and that's okay. The Colonel may have to forego chicken in his pot pies during Ramadan ... because locals may prefer Samboosak. We can do that. All participants ... whether it's Dish Network or Taco Bell ... will have to be flexible enough to adapt ... no ... embrace foreign cultures.
An important factor in this is community. We need Hashim-Six-Pack to own the neighborhood Popeye's franchise. We need Sachiel Q. Public to whip up Oreo Blizzards at the corner D.Q. Everyone wants to control their own destiny ... or at least feel they have a hand in it. And I think our peace initiative has a better chance at success if the stereotypical "Ugly American" doesn't deliver their Dippin Strips.
The most important aspect of this plan is coverage. This is all or nothing, people. If you leave one country out of the mix ... you'll just piss 'em off even more. Think about it. If we're all hot ... that sucks. But if I'm hot and you're sitting in front of a central air grate in a sweatshirt, drinking a Pepsi, and watching a DVD ... that really sucks.
We can throw around ideas for slogans ... I'm not married to any particular one. Maybe "Frosty Labours Make Friendly Neighbors?" I don't know ... something cheerful and friendly. Something that says, "Put down that IED and gimme a hug." Remember, we're building a atmosphere of harmony ... and that, my friends, will take time. But each step is another move towards peace.
So there you go, Kofi ... I've got it all mapped out for you. I have high hopes. If this works out ... you can send my Nobel invitation to ThirtyWhat@InsightBB.com. If it doesn't ... I suspect I'll be opening my mail with rubber gloves for the next 40 years.
Think he can move that rubber tree plant
Anyone knows an ant, can't
Move a rubber tree plant
But he's got high hopes
He's got high hopes
He's got high apple pie in the sky hopes
Frank Sinatra - High Hopes