Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Building a Bridge - Part 3


So it all comes down to this ... Step 3. We've introduced air conditioning ... because really, have you ever heard of Eskimos blowing up each other's igloos? We've introduced the concept of 24/7 programming ... because if you spend all day suckling at the glass teat, there's not a lot of time for other activities ... violent or otherwise.

And what would television be ... without advertisements. With that we come to ...

Step 3 - Comfort Foods - How many times have you been relaxing ... watching television. You're zoning out ... totally content. Suddenly you see a commercial for Burger King. BK Stacker? Damn ... that sounds good. Two minutes later Quiznos is describing their new prime rib sub ... and shortly after that Papa John's is extolling the virtues of their new pan pizza. Within a matter of minutes you've gone from content ... to craving. Marketing is a powerful tool ... and oh, don't they make trans-fat look good?

The third prong in our peace initiative is comfort food ... the feeling of satisfaction you get when tasting that Original Recipe wing. That sigh you give after eating that first hot, salty McDonalds fry straight out of the bag. We'll have to adjust the sales model to accommodate local tastes. Maybe they'd prefer a Lamb n' Cheddar in their combo meal ... and that's okay. The Colonel may have to forego chicken in his pot pies during Ramadan ... because locals may prefer Samboosak. We can do that. All participants ... whether it's Dish Network or Taco Bell ... will have to be flexible enough to adapt ... no ... embrace foreign cultures.

An important factor in this is community. We need Hashim-Six-Pack to own the neighborhood Popeye's franchise. We need Sachiel Q. Public to whip up Oreo Blizzards at the corner D.Q. Everyone wants to control their own destiny ... or at least feel they have a hand in it. And I think our peace initiative has a better chance at success if the stereotypical "Ugly American" doesn't deliver their Dippin Strips.

The most important aspect of this plan is coverage. This is all or nothing, people. If you leave one country out of the mix ... you'll just piss 'em off even more. Think about it. If we're all hot ... that sucks. But if I'm hot and you're sitting in front of a central air grate in a sweatshirt, drinking a Pepsi, and watching a DVD ... that really sucks.

We can throw around ideas for slogans ... I'm not married to any particular one. Maybe "Frosty Labours Make Friendly Neighbors?" I don't know ... something cheerful and friendly. Something that says, "Put down that IED and gimme a hug." Remember, we're building a atmosphere of harmony ... and that, my friends, will take time. But each step is another move towards peace.

So there you go, Kofi ... I've got it all mapped out for you. I have high hopes. If this works out ... you can send my Nobel invitation to ThirtyWhat@InsightBB.com. If it doesn't ... I suspect I'll be opening my mail with rubber gloves for the next 40 years.

Just what makes that little old ant
Think he can move that rubber tree plant
Anyone knows an ant, can't
Move a rubber tree plant
But he's got high hopes
He's got high hopes
He's got high apple pie in the sky hopes

Frank Sinatra - High Hopes

6 comments:

  1. I’ve read your entire peace plan and for the life of me I can’t think of a single reason why it won’t work. A cool breeze, a little boob tube, and something tasty to gnosh on - it’s always kept me from engaging in warfare.

    My strategies for ending international conflict always consist of having Angelina Jolie meet with the combantants, effectively turning hardened warmongers into weak-kneed school boys. If I were the leader of Hezbollah and Angelina looked me in the eye and told me to lay down our arms, you can be damn sure we’d transform ourselves from murderous terrorist organization to civic-minded Rotary Club faster than you can say Shimon Peres.

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  2. Great piece and plan. Just creative enough to work.

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  3. College One4:20 PM

    I've read your entire plan, and it sounds great, except for one, little flaw...

    The most violent race in the entire world (I think) were the Vikings, the pirates before pirates. I think they made pirates quake.

    I'm pretty sure they lived in cold weather, so I dunno how the heat would come in play there.

    Never fear though!! Since the first post, I've been thinking about dem Vikings, and I think the reason they were screwed up was cause they had to wear those horns around all the time... enough to make anyone loopy.

    Personally, I think they should have limited internet connections everywhere... Internet that only allows 24/7 BB coverage, or fanfiction. That's what always keeps me on my butt...

    ~College one

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  4. OMIGOD ... Dan ... that is the missing piece of the puzzle!

    Angelina Jolie can be the UN representative ... the face of Middle Eastern peace. Think she'd be willing to take a heating and cooling class? I mean ... we'll need someone to check freon levels ...

    I'm glad you guys liked the post. I'd share my plan for ending world hunger next ... but I think Sam Kinison said it best ... and I'm paraphrasing here:

    I have the answer to world hunger. Oh yes ... I do. But you don't want to hear it. There wouldn't be world hunger if you people ... lived where the FOOD IS! YOU LIVE IN A DESERT! NOTHING GROWS OUT THERE!

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  5. I love that bit so much I had to go find the quote ...

    "I'm like anyone else on this planet -- I'm very moved by world hunger. I see the same commercials, with those little kids, starving, and very depressed. I watch those kids and I go, 'Fuck, I know the FILM crew could give this kid a sandwich!' There's a director five feet away going, 'DON'T FEED HIM YET! GET THAT SANDWICH OUTTA HERE! IT DOESN'T WORK UNLESS HE LOOKS HUNGRY!!!'

    But I'm not trying to make fun of world hunger. Matter of fact, I think I have the answer. You want to stop world hunger? Stop sending these people food. Don't send these people another bite, folks. You want to send them something, you want to help? Send them U-Hauls. Send them U-Hauls, some luggage, send them a guy out there who says, 'Hey, we been driving out here every day with your food, for, like, the last thirty or forty years, and we were driving out here today across the desert, and it occurred to us that there wouldn't BE world hunger, if you people would LIVE WHERE THE FOOD IS!

    YOU LIVE IN A DESERT! YOU LIVE IN A FUCKING DESERT! NOTHING GROWS OUT HERE! NOTHING'S GONNA GROW OUT HERE! YOU SEE THIS? HUH? THIS IS SAND. KNOW WHAT IT'S GONNA BE A HUNDRED YEARS FROM NOW? IT'S GONNA BE SAND! YOU LIVE IN A FUCKING DESERT! GET YOUR STUFF, GET YOUR SHIT, WE'LL MAKE ONE TRIP, WE'LL TAKE YOU TO WHERE THE FOOD IS! WE HAVE DESERTS IN AMERICA -- WE JUST DON'T LIVE IN THEM, ASSHOLES!"

    --From an appearance on Rodney Dangerfield's "It's Not Easy Being Me," 1984.

    For more from the comic genius that was Sam just go here:

    www.comedyontap.com/jokes/kinison/skjokes.html

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  6. I love this blog series you have done, Ambassador Thirtywhat. I'd like to hear your views on solving other problems. Although, your solution may work in any case. Even North Korea. Laziness=Peacefulness

    I know I'm at peace the world.

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