Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Building a Bridge - Part 2

Alright, yesterday we covered Step 1 ... in which we spread cool, climate-controlled comfort to every man, woman, and child in the Middle East. What's next, ThirtyWhat? Why, thanks for asking ...

Step 2 - Cable TV - Alright ... in this situation it might be more accurate to call it "satellite TV" ... but why quibble over semantics when we're talking about global peace and harmony?

Now ... we'll have to ease them into this. I don't think anyone in Kabul or Beirut is ready for Anna Nicole ... quite frankly, I'm not sure we're ready for that nutball. In any case, we'll work with entertainment providers to create a basic package just for this purpose.

Obviously we'll include a couple news channels ... I'm thinking CNN and MSNBC ... after all, there aren't enough window units in the world to calm them down if they get a load of Bill O'Reily. We'll also throw in ESPN and ESPN2 ... cause I hear the world is just crazy for this thing called soccer. Don't forget the Weather Channel ... we want them to appreciate the fact that it's 105 outside ... and 72 on their couch.

Now here's where it gets tricky. We'd have to sweet-talk HBO into creating a special channel ... HBO - Way East. It would show the most fantastic movies we could pipe in ... not the "filler" we get here in the states. We might even throw in a few really kick ass shows like The Sopranos. Sure, we want to avoid stuff like "Taxicab Confessions" in the first few years ... but that'll come in time. Bottom line is we want butts in the seats. And every hour the extremists spend watching Tony Soprano whack people ... is an hour they aren't out whacking people themselves.

Now, I'm willing to hear suggestions ... because I'm on the fence about a couple programming choices. Would we consider the Soap Opera Network? I mean, I'm not crazy about it ... but I know people who have spent years with their asses glued to recliners watching their "stories." Perhaps the Food Network? That channel must be produced by the Hypno-Toad ... because every time I flip past it, I go into some kind of stupor ... and don't come out of it until (my ex-husband) walks in the room and sighs, "Sweet Jesus ... you're watching Paula Deen again?"

Why all this entertainment? Well, grasshoppah ... just like in America, it's not about the content ... it's about the commercials. A group of researchers conducted a study in which they found 29.9% of all commercials ... were for food products. Oh yes ... now the picture becomes clearer ...

Which brings us to Step 3 tomorrow ... which I simply call ... "McPeace" ...

We got to install microwave ovens
Custom kitchen deliveries
We got to move these refrigerators
We got to move these color TV's

Dire Straits - Money For Nothing