Wednesday, June 10, 2009

My Secret Shame ... Twilight ...

I was never goth in high school. Oh, not that I didn't want to be. I secretly envisioned a day I could wrap myself in Stevie Nicks' wardrobe and brood over music with dark, questionable lyrics. But ... with a mother who was a faithful Roman Catholic ... the closest thing I came to goth was listening to "Just Like Heaven" and gazing wistfully at the Wet n' Wild black nail polish at Walgreens. Weak, I know.

But my point is that way back in the day ... I aspired to that lifestyle. I always fantasized that I'd be the hot, redheaded chick who always dressed in black. In reality? Yeah ... um ... no. I was the short redhead art chick whose hands were covered with India ink or charcoal some other media that invariably wouldn't wash off.

I mean, we had Interview With a Vampire. We had Lestat, for Christ's sake. We had a reason to want to be goth. We had Anne Rice living down there in New Orleans publishing stories of dangerous vampires who oozed sex out of every pore. But then Anne ... poor Anne ... she found Jesus, moved to California, and now spends her days writing about her new found faith.

So what's filled the gothic void created by Anne's rebirth as a Christian? Twilight. And ... thanks to Twilight, we have a new generation of vampire loving kids ... only these aren't your father's vampires. They sparkle. You heard me right ... they sparkle. And if that's not adorable enough for you ... they play "vampire baseball." Which is identical to human baseball except that they run really fast ... and, of course, sparkle.

Hell, vampires aren't even dangerous anymore ... they fight their baser instincts and only partake in animal blood, for the love of God. Oh, and let's not forget their long discussions over whether or not they have a soul. It's like this entire series was written by your local CYO director.

So ... in the end, what you've got here is every 13 year old's wet dream. Edward, our hero, is a hot, safe guy who wants nothing more to get to first base and share your body glitter. The only thing missing is a pet unicorn that farts rainbows. It's a complete and utter load of bullshit ...

... bullshit that is, unless you have ever, at any point, had ovaries inside your body.  If you have, Twilight is the equivalent of printed crack.

Hello. I am ThirtyWhat.
{Hello, ThirtyWhat}
I ... am a middle-aged Twilight addict.

Sure, it's completely normal for a 13 year old to love this stuff ... so what's my excuse? I don't want to be one of those creepy aging women wearing a "Team Edward" shirt while slathering on my Bonne Bell lip gloss.

So ... common, Anne. Pick up that pen. If you write just one more book in the Vampire Chronicles, I might be able to regain some of my lost self esteem. Whaddaya say? I'm sure Jesus would be perfectly cool with it ...

I don't care what they may say
I don't care what they may do
I don't care what they may say
Jesus is just alright, oh yeah
Jesus is just alright

Doobie Brothers - Jesus Is Just Alright