Thursday, June 11, 2009

The Worst (and Best) Show On Television ...

I watch bad tv. It's not a secret ... I've blogged many times about my love of cheap, trashy television shows like, "Celebrity Rehab" and "Big Brother." My wonderful husband would be happy Comcast offered only three channels; PBS, The History Channel, and The Science Channel ... but not me. I like reality shows ... and I like them even more when they involve D-List celebrities. Therefore, it should come as no surprise to anyone that I've started watching, "I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here!"

Since I'm under the impression this show is flopping like a fish ... let me share a few tidbits with you ...

First, in the near future, books will be written about Janice Dickinson and her unspeakable shortcomings. I'm not sure if it's early onset Alzheimer's that has caused her to forget that there are cameras on her 24/7 ... but it seems like that would be an important fact to remember if you plan on stealing food and pissing on the ground next to your bed.

Next, Patti Blagojevich is a better actress than Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman and Charlize Theron combined. She has everyone in that camp fooled that she is the shy, shrinking violet and that Rod is a real-life Jimmy Stewart in Mr. Smith Goes To Washington. Apparently, not one of those campers has bothered to pick up a newspaper in the last 12 months. Because none of them are aware of what's been going on.

Here are the few of the gems falling from Patti's lips:

1) She announced that Pat Quinn was so mean because he cut off their security only minutes after the impeachment was finalized. (Really? Thank you for that information, Patti ... it has guaranteed that Pat Quinn will get my vote at the next election.)

2) She claims that the troopers who were in charge of their security cried when they learned that Rod had been impeached. (And lemme tell you folks, that is so believable because if Illinois State Troopers are known for one thing, it's their emotional crying jags. God, I mean ... they are so emotional it's like there's an army of LOLCats driving across the state of Illinois in squad cars. Oh wait ... no, it's not like that at all.)

3) She praised our 35-room, 50-thousand-square-foot Executive Mansion in Springfield ... only to turn around and accuse everyone in Springfield of hating her for refusing to move into it. She claims that the chef and the staff would just be too much for their children. Oh yes ... Rod and Patti wanted to give their kids a simple life and keep them in the same schools.

[Sigh] ... where to begin.

First off, Patti, we disliked you for far more reasons than just your refusal to move into the Executive Mansion. However, while we're on the subject of you and Rod's decision to have him commute everyday ...

Thank you, Patti ... for forcing us, the Illinois taxpayer, to spend almost $6,000 per day, several days per week to fly your husband, Rod Blagojevich, from your home in Chicago to his office in Springfield. The total bill in June of 2007 was $75,000. But that's okay. The State of Illinois is just rolling in money, right Patti? What's that? We have a projected $12 billion dollar deficit? Well, that's okay ... this was about your children's safety and well being, right?

Although ... now that we're on the subject ... you must think that Barack and Michelle Obama are abusing the SHIT outta their kids, right? I mean, they chose to them move from Chicago to the WHITE HOUSE. I mean, if the Illinois Governor's Mansion was too much for your kids, the White House must be the equivalent of Sodom and Gomorrah.

Thank GOD you kept your children safe from the dregs of Springfield. That must've been why you cancelled the annual Halloween Trick-or-Treating at the mansion, right? Because it would've just been "too much" for your kids? My God, Sasha and Malia must be a psychological wreck after going to the White House Easter Egg Hunt, huh?

I donno, folks ... I'm torn. Torn between praying a daily novena that Janice Dickinson is voted the hell off my tv ... and torn between praying to the cloven hoofed god that made her to please let this madness continue. I mean, at this point, what else is she going to do before her lawyers intervene and remind her that she is being taped?! Between her and Patti, this stuff is golden!

We're only liars, but we're the best
We're only good for the latest trend
We're only good cause you can have almost famous friends
Besides, we've got such good fashion sense

Fall Out Boy - Our Lawyer Made Us Change
The Name Of This Song So We Wouldn't Get Sued

No comments:

Post a Comment