Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Hakuna Matata ...

My cousin is having a baby ... well, more accurately his wife is having a baby ... and it's a very big event. An event that, I imagine, will put the Lion King to shame. I fully expect large herds of wild animals to congregate in front of Memorial Hospital while someone rubs mango juice on this infant's head.

The rules and regulations of illustrious Grandchild Derby are a little convoluted ... but try to follow me ...

My mother was one of four siblings. These four siblings produced seven children and, therefore, seven opportunities for offspring. However, neither my brother nor I were able to have children. So that leaves five. One of my cousins is also barren ... so that knocks it down to four. My youngest cousin recently got out of college and started her career ... so while I'm certain she'll have children someday, for the moment (and for the purpose of this demonstration), we're down to three.

The fertile trifecta consists of one cousin who is a sullen, unhappy woman whom everyone avoids, her crackhead sister, whom you may remember from this act of brilliance, and the one remaining fertile male member of the family ... whose wife is pregnant at this very moment.

So, if you're still following along by this point, this child will be the first grandchild from the one male child born from the one male in the family. Which means you should expect to receive your invitation sometime in the next few weeks with directions to Pride Rock.

Yes, I realize that may sound sexist or misogynistic ... but ask Princess Anne how primogeniture is working out for her. What can you do? Life sucks ... buy a helmet.

In any case, since I can't have babies and was never in the imaginary line of succession anyway, it's a happy event. I like going to showers ... I like cake ... and I like picking out baby things ... so, what the hell. Obla di obla da ... which I believe roughly translates to ... hakuna matata.

One, two princes kneel before you
That what I said now
Princes, princes who adore you
Just go ahead now
One has diamonds in his pockets
That's some bread, now
This one said he wants to buy you rockets
Ain't in his head, now

Spin Doctors - Two Princes

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