Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Valentine's Day ... The Reality ...

Have you noticed that right around Valentine's Day, everyone starts bragging about how wonderful their spouse is. I know women who come up with these outlandish stories about the hoops their mates have jumped through to give them the most perfect day ever ... from waking up to champagne and caviar ... to going to sleep as Zamphire plays his magical pan flute next to their canopied love nest.

Well, I call bullshit.

These same people can be found the other 364 days of the year bitching about how their husband doesn't take them out on dates or won't put his socks in the hamper or drinks too much or won't take out the trash. And yet I'm to believe during one 24 hour period, this imperfect bastard transforms into Jesus of Nazareth, turning cheez whiz into brie?

Whatever ... all I'm saying is that you don't have to say your loved one flew you to the south of France just to prove what a great person he or she is. They didn't fly you to the south of France ... you know it ... and I know it. Hell, you don't even have a passport. Just say he bought you a pizza and you loved it ... that I'll believe.

Lemme tell you what my (ex-husband) did for me. Along with two cards and a box of chocolate and lunch ... he bought me a one year subscription to Coast to Coast AM. I absolutely love listening to all the conspiracy freaks out there talking about mafia secrets and secret societies and hidden bible messages. I can do without the whole bigfoot/ufo thing ... but mind control and one world order? Sign me up!

My Valentine gave me the gift of 12 months of the hidden brain and electronic harassment and ghost hunting. What can I say? He knows me ...

Debbie Gibson is pregnant
With my two headed love child
It's a bigfoot baby
All covered in fur now
Stark raving naked in the fornication nation

Mojo Nixon - Debbie Gibson Is Pregnant
With My Two-Headed Love Child