Wednesday, June 23, 2010

As Someone Told Me Lately ...

Well Monday was ... for lack of a better word ... a bust. All that waiting ... just to learn next to nothing.

We know that (my ex-husband) has carcinoma of the nasopharnyx (which the ENT specialist had already told us) ... we know that it's an "unusual" cancer (which we already read through research) ... we know that he'll need both radiation and chemotherapy (which, again, the ENT told us) ... so I felt like we came away with nothing.

I had convinced myself that there would be this big scene where we'd both break down and sob when he talked to us ... but that didn't happen, primarily because we didn't hear anything new. I'd squirreled away wads of tissue paper in my purse ... which are still crammed in there ... waiting for my inevitable breakdown.

(my ex-husband) felt relieved because they didn't grab him, throw him on a gurney, and admit him to the hospital on sight. Which, I'll admit is good news. But since I never expected them to do that, it's not much comfort to me.

What does comfort me is that they're very aggressive about treating him. He's got an MRI scheduled for later this morning ... a PET scan scheduled for Thursday morning ... and Thursday afternoon we meet with the radiologist for, what I assume, will be the "big news" ... i.e. stages, prognosis, etc.

I'm scared about a thousand things ... how bad this is ... how sick he'll get ... how we'll ever pay for all this ... but we'll get through it. I know there aren't any guarantees in life ... but right now my only goal is to get him healthy. I want to lay in bed and listen to the Cure (ironic name, eh?) ... but that wouldn't accomplish anything. So I'm up ... working ... getting things done ... and listening to Wicked. It'll take some time ... and it'll be rough ... but I have faith.

I'm through accepting limits
'Cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!
I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down

Wicked - Defying Gravity