Thursday, February 17, 2011

ThirtyWhat's Semi-Annual Voyage of the Damned

Good Morning, everyone ... and thank you for visiting the ThirtyWhat Travel Agency ... now re-opened and re-branded as ThirtyWhasity. You may recognize our slogan, "Like Travelocity ... without that creepy roaming gnome bastard."

We specialize in semi-annual cruises for celebrities that must be removed from popular culture ... for their safety and our mental health.

Twice a year, we load up our custom-fitted cruise ship, the S.S. Damned, with everyone who has stuck their mugs in the camera one too many times. Each case is different. It takes some celebrities years to earn themselves a ticket ... and then there are those special people who come out of nowhere ... such as past guest, K-Fed ... who, oddly enough, earned his ticket by simply banging fellow guest, Britney Spears.

The plan, as always, is to load up the boat ... and dump their worthless asses on an uninhabitable island in the South Pacific. Our passengers will be under the impression that they'll be stars on a brand new reality television show. And being the media attention whores that they are, their asses will be jumping ship as soon as they spot land. They'll spend the rest of their miserable lives waiting for Jeff Probst to show up and preening for non-existent cameras.

Each trip, we bestow the title of "captain" on one lucky individual who has been voted "Most Hideous Waste of Human Breath That Somehow Achieved World-Wide Acclaim and Celebrity Status."

I'm proud to announce that I'll be handing over this year's captain's hat to Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay's earned this noble title because she was already on the S.S. Damned back in 2007 and somehow managed to swim her alcoholic, klepto ass back to shore. We're hoping that, by giving her the captain's chair, there's a better chance she'll stay gone. Here's to hoping.

We're also pleased to announce a new position on the S.S. Damned ... Cruise Director. This celebrity will be in charge of entertainment and morale during our voyage. This year's Cruise Director will be Charlie Sheen ... because, quite frankly, who can throw a party like Charlie Sheen? Plus he always brings his own hookers and blow! We look at this as a two birds - one stone situation ... we will get to dump his coked-out ass on a island in the middle of the ocean ... and he'll keep the other celebrities high and happy. It's a win-win as far as we're concerned.

This year's ticket holders include:

Miley Cyrus and Billy Ray Cyrus - This is more of a preemptive strike. Let's be honest ... they haven't really earned their tickets yet. But with Miley determined to follow in the steps of her fellow Disney alumni Britney, it's only a matter of time before she shaves her head and starts beating paparazzi with an umbrella. Billy Ray? This week's interview where you blamed Disney for your family problems ... that bought your ticket, Billy. Get your ass onboard.

Kate Gosselin - Again, let's be honest ... Kate's already sealed her own fate. Her fifteen minutes of fame are over and it won't be long before the mansion is gone and she, and the kids, are living in a van down by the river. So why was she graced with a ticket? Because I'm doing those kids a favor. Getting Kate the hell out of their lives is the only chance they have at normalcy. You're welcome, tiny Gosselings ... use this opportunity wisely.

Justin Beiber - Sweet baby Jesus ... if I have to hear him squeal "Baby Baby Baby Ooooooooooh" one more time, somebody is gonna bleed. He's everywhere ... tv, commercials, radio, movies ... this must end.

Mel Gibson - I'm not gonna lie ... Mel Gibson is too offensive to even be allowed to step foot on board. But fear not, Mel ... we've arranged for you to be towed behind in a dinghy while an onboard video monitor plays a continuous loop of Fiddler On The Roof ... enjoy!

Lady GaGa - Ugh ... it's art. I get it. Now get on the boat.

The Kardashians - What will Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe do on the boat? Why, the same thing they do now, Pinky ... nothing. But I'm sure they'll look lovely sun bathing on deck during the cruise ... and given their love of media, I'm sure they'll be the first ones jumping overboard at the first sight of land.

The entire cast of Jersey Shore - This is my gift to you, America. Between "TheSituation" pulling his shirt up every 30 seconds like a drooling, incontinent toddler ("Mommy, look at my belly!") and Snookie's unfortunate obession with Bumpits and spray tan, it's a moral imperative that we get these people out of the gene pool ASAP.

Now, there are a few more tickets still available ... and quite a few celebrities that are this close to making the cut. Yeah, I'm talking to you, Willow Smith ... the only reason you're not on deck right now is because I blame your parents for Whip My Hair as much as I blame you. Adam Sandler? One more inane humorless movie ... just one more and you, my friend, will be on the boat.

There's still time ... and cabins are still available. So if you'd like to nominate an A-list celebrity that you simply can't put up with a moment longer, let us know. We're willing to accept the names of b-list or c-list stars ... but their accomodations will be in steerage.

We can only hope for an iceburg ...

I'm on a boat, I'm on a boat
Everybody look at me
'Cause I'm sailing on a boat
I'm on a boat, I'm on a boat
Take a good long look
At the motherfucking boat

The Lonely Island - I'm On a Boat