Monday, August 29, 2011

Finding the Fun ...

There are two types of people in this world ... actually there are many more than two types of people in this world but for the sake of this post, let's go with two ... the type of people who, when facing difficulty, need to talk it out ... and the type who withdraw and just want to be left alone.

My brother and I are the classic definition of these two types of people. For as long as I've known him, whenever he's down or having issues, he turns to my Mom. He'll make the eight hour drive to Illinois just to pour his heart out to her. I, on the other hand, am the complete opposite. I live five minutes from her, but if I'm feeling down the last thing I want to do is share. If I'm happy, I'll talk and laugh and gossip ... but if I'm worried or frustrated, just give me my space.

Until I met my husband, there wasn't anyone I really confided in. I suppose that's why everyone thought I was so happy and bubbly ... because they only saw me when I was happy and bubbly. I'm finding the same to be true about blogging. When things are going relatively well, I can think of 100 things I want to write about. But when I'm feeling down, I can think of 100 things I want to write about ... but none of them seem worth the herculean effort it would take to actually write them.

In the last eighteen months, my husband has been diagnosed with nasopharygeal cancer, gone through two separate rounds of chemotherapy treatments, gone through radiation, developed necrotic bone in his jaw, went through six weeks of hyperbaric oxygen treatments, and developed PTSD because of the absolute hell he's been through. At the same time, after a painful trip to the ER, they found multiple kidney stones in my already cyst-laden kidneys including one large staghorn, performed lithotripsy and two surgeries to remove them, all while trying to maintain my fragile kidney function.

Oh wait ... that isn't enough? After twenty years with the federal government they're closing my office in 2013 ... so I have until then to either transfer to a different agency, move to St. Louis with my agency, or find something in the private sector. To say the last 18 months has been overwhelming would be the understatement of the century.

So why am I back? I have to start focusing on the fun in my life. It's so easy to become mired in everything that's wrong. There's a thousand platitudes about being thankful for what you have ... but in the end, as my husband said this weekend, it's just about slowing down and enjoying today.

When things were bad last year ... when he couldn't eat ... when we had to put burn ointment on his neck and shoulders because of the blistering ... in this midst of that madness, each night I would say to him, "Tell me one good thing that happened today ..." Some days it was a struggle to come up with something ... but he always did. So if he can find the good while fighting his fight ... surely I can find the good in all this.

Wade in the water
Wade in the water, children
Wade in the water
God's gonna trouble the water

Spiritual - Wade in the Water