Monday, July 02, 2012

Pleasant Deja Vu ...

So imagine you're standing at the entrance of an enormous flood gate. You know that you have to put that button and open that gate. You also know that once the initial tidal wave and destruction is over, you'll be glad you pushed it. But that first move is so difficult ... to the point it seems nearly impossible to make yourself extend your arm and push those buttons.

 This is where I find myself. Why? No, not because I'm having second thoughts or doubting myself. I didn't choose this path ... someone else's self destructive choices brought me to where I am. But I'm on this path now ... and I have no intention of going back. Everyone knows the phrase "forgive and forget." I may eventually forgive ... but for now neither one of those are options. I can't forgive ... and I'm never going to forget.

 So why not push that button? Quite honestly because I'm living in a bubble ... an admittedly delusional bubble ... where everything is essentially fine. More than that, it's damned near perfect. It's as though someone turned the clock back and I'm getting to live the joyful life I used to live ... friends, dinners, movies, evenings out ... just fun. I feel like I'm 24 again ... only, you know ... without the binge drinking.

And yet ... there's that damned button. I promised an old friend last week that I would push it soon ... and with each passing day I seem to remember another benefit to keeping that promise. I really like my life right now. And I'm acutely aware that what I want today won't necessarily be what I want tomorrow ... or next week or next month. But I am also aware that some things would be easier if I just let the tidal wave come ... and then deal with the cleanup and the aftermath.

 I've put it off ... waiting for some sign ... waiting for some deus ex machina to come and take the choice from me. But life is what it is ... and no God is coming from the sky to save me. If he were, someone would've shown up this weekend when I stood with my friends, gazing up at the lightening, and yelled, "Heimdell! Open the Bifrost!"

Hmmmm ... then again ... maybe Heimdell was listening ...

On the other side of a street I knew 
Stood a girl that looked like you 
I guess thats deja vu 
But I thought this can't be true 
 Oh I swear to you 
I'll be there for you 
This is not a drive by 

Train - Drive By