Friday, January 25, 2013

Happy Birthday, Mom ...

My mother, who I love with all my heart and soul, has the worst taste in movies.  Horrible.  There just aren't words.  She's worse than my brother ... who has the entire collection of "Madea" movies ... all of them.  The concept of him ... watching Madea ... I'm getting a migraine just thinking about it.  If I could have babies ... which I can't ... but if I could, that fact alone would make me seriously consider getting my tubes tied.  There is something seriously wrong with my family.

But my brother and his baffling movie choices aside ... we're talking about my mom.  For several years we went to the casino in Peoria for special occasions ... then one year she announced that she wanted to see a movie.  Dad never took her ... and she wanted to start going to the theater.  Well, sign me up ... I'm a big ol' movie fan ... let's do this!

Her first choice?  Georgia Rules.  Oh God ... so much wrong.   Lindsay Lohan ... as if that name alone isn't enough ... in a depressing and confusing fun-filled romp about child molestation.  Hey!  Happy Mother's Day!  Then the next year she chose Baby Mama.   I love Amy Pohler and Tina Fey ... and I'm mighty damned fond of popcorn ... so it was fairly easy to shut my brain off for a couple hours.

But then?  She chose Think Like a Man ... are you fucking kidding me?  I wouldn't watch Steve Harvey for anyone other than the woman who pushed me out of her vagina.  Jesus Christ.   I love her but I'd just about reached my breaking point.  I thought I might have gotten through to her when she asked me to take her to Moonrise Kingdom ... but no.  She hated it ... in fact she would've walked out mid-way through had I not been with her.  Sigh ...

I finally put my foot down last summer when she wanted me to go with her to watch Tommy Lee Jones and Meryl Streep discuss their sex life for two hours.  I mean ... really?  Was she trying to ensure I would never want to have sex again??  Don't answer that ... of course she was ...

So today is her birthday.  She doesn't read this blog ... I don't think she even knows it exists.  God, let's hope she doesn't ... but if so:

I love you, Momma!  Happy Birthday!
PS - You dropped my brother on his head as an infant, didn't you?
Never mind ... we both know the answer to that.

Tonight we're just grabbing dinner ... at a top secret location ... which is a blessing from God considering she has her heart set on that new Billy Crystal movie.  I guess if she pushes it ... and worse comes to worse ... there's always Vicodin ...

I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five

Alanis Morissette - One Hand In My Pocket