Wednesday, April 17, 2013

A Field Guide to Meeting My Family

So ... this is happening!   My guy is going to family dinner with me on Friday ... and is, therefore, going to meet my Mom and the rest of the family.  Holy crap!

To make things easier on him ... and to offset my nervousness ...  I've decided to write a small field guide to meeting my family.  Nothing too detailed ... just an idea of what's to come ...

The Official Field Guide To Meeting My Family

Sports - They love sports ... all sports especially football and baseball.  This is a sure thing.  Only one word of caution.  You will be walking a thin line when it comes to baseball.  Everyone on that side of the family ... everyone except my Mom and me ... are big Cardinal fans.  They talk about the Cardinals all the time ... BUT ... they usually avoid making fun of the Cubs.  Primarily because that would piss my Mom off.   You don't have to say anything nice about the Cubs ... you basically just have to pretend they don't exist for the evening.  Also, some of the family are huge NASCAR fans ... and my favorite aunt is a huge Jeff Gordon fan.  Please don't tease her that he's gay ... at least not the first night.

Beer/Wine - Everyone at that table ... everyone except my Mom and me ... will be having either a bottle of beer or a glass of wine.  I think two of the cousins might get a Jack and Coke or a mixed drink now and then ... but yeah, drinking is a total non-thing.  Have fun.  Um ... try not to get as tanked as they do ... at least not the first night.

Sex - Um, no. Don't even bring it up.  If someone should bring it up ... I've never seen your bedroom ... you've never seen mine.  An appropriate response would be something like ... "Wait ... what? She has a bedroom? Well this is the first I've heard about it ..."

Entertainment - What do they do for fun?  They watch sports ... primarily.  Some of them go to movies ... or have Netflix ... some of them watch TV series.  My favorite aunt loves reality TV ... as does my Mom.  Oh ... and there are a couple of people who don't have Internet at home and aren't on Facebook.  Even though you might be tempted to blurt out, "What the fuck is wrong with you?  Why don't you have Internet like the rest of the civilized world?!" ... don't say it.  Trust me, I've tried ... it's a lost cause ...

Religion - Mom and I are Catholic ... everyone else is a mixture of something else.  One couple is Baptist ... most of the rest are Presbyterian or Episcopalian ... hell, I don't know.  Doesn't matter ... don't worry about it.  Everyone there is really laid back.  No one there will be a bible thumper ... we have some of those but they live in Champaign and only come to family dinner once a year.  Speaking of that ...

The Champaign Clan - One of my aunts and her brood of misfits live in Champaign.  Please don't bring them up ... if you do, it will trigger the "motherfucker" stage of the evening early.   We want to avoid that ... otherwise we'll spend the rest of the night hearing my uncle ranting and raving, "Those lazy motherfuckers ..." or "I'd like to go over there and tell those motherfuckers a thing or two ..."  Just ... don't ...

So ... that's about it.  It's all good.  Relax ... have fun ... order a beer.  Trust me ... if I could drink, I would join you ...

Ev'ryone can see we're together
As we walk on by
And we fly just like birds of a feather
I won't tell no lie
All of the people around us they say
Can they be that close
Just let me state for the record
We're giving love in a family dose
Sister Sledge - We Are Family

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