Thursday, June 13, 2013

No Pictures, Please ...

The weird things that bring us down, huh?

There are people who are self conscious and don't like their picture taken.  I have never been one of those people.  I know I'm heavy ... but I essentially like who I am.  It's not that I don't feel flawed or unhappy with myself physically ... because I do.  But I've always been one of those, "Hey, let's take a picture!" people because ... I'm okay with it.

I'm not okay with it.  Tonight we had a work meeting ... they closed the office at 3:30 so we could all get together in a "relaxed environment" to talk about what we've accomplished so far ... and what we have left to do.  At one point someone said, "This is our last June survey ... let's get a picture of everyone!" and as usual, I was on board.

I have the picture ... thank God it's on my phone and no one else has it or can disseminate it.  I hate it.  I hate me.  I hate me in it.  Not only has that god-forsaken picture made me feel bad about myself ... it has put me in a bad mood all night.  Not grumpy or grouchy or outwardly nasty ... but inward I am so unspeakably sad. 

I gained weight with the divorce.  I hated those women who said, "Oh, I lost 50 pounds when I got divorced ... I was just so upset I couldn't eat!"  Let me tell you what my divorce was like.  One night, shortly after I was separated, I was driving home from work and I had a revelation. "Hey ... there's only me now.  There's no one at home.  There's no one to cook for.  I could stop and pick up nachos!"  Then I proceeded to have that same revelation every day for the next year.

So I gained weight ... and I'm trying to take it back off.  I've lost five of those "divorce pounds" ... but from the picture I can see that five isn't remotely enough.   I want to throw on some clothes and secretly run to Walgreens and buy some SlimQuick or DexiTrim or Alli ... something full of ephedrine ... or caffeine ... or Adderall.

Tomorrow is Friday.  Tomorrow will be a happier day, I promise.  But for today ... this post is all I can muster.

I've been looking so long at these pictures of you
That I almost believe that they're real
I've been living so long with my pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures are all I can feel

The Cure - Pictures of You

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