Thursday, August 29, 2013

An Open Letter To the Jerks of the World ...

Dear Jerry Maguire ...

So you've met a girl that you're interested in ... a girl you find funny ... a girl you think is pretty.   She is intelligent.  She has a job.  She's well-read.   And as you talk to her ... as you woo her ... you start to learn her back story.

She's been cheated on.  She's been hurt.  She has low self esteem.  She doesn't gush when you compliment her ... or swoon when you ooze superficial charm.  She tells you she has trust issues.  She asks you, quite honestly, to give her time so she can get to know you ... to feel safe around you.

So you run your best game ... oily line after oily line.  You tell repeatedly her how she deserves to be spoiled ... and then come up with some ridiculous first date that will only serve to make her even more anxious about meeting you.

She isn't unfriendly ... she isn't unkind ... she's cautious.  She's leery.  And rightfully so, since you are putting on a face for her.  She senses that you're trying too hard ... and she asks you again to just give her time.  She's still hurting ... and it will take her time to trust you.  And how do you respond?

You don't think she's worth the effort.  You don't think she is worth the effort.   You haven't been courting this woman for one year ... it's been one week ... and yet her low self esteem ... and her trust issues ... just make her too much work.

Well let me speak for all "damaged" women out there ...

Thank you.  Thank you for not wasting her time.  By all means ... go ahead and find yourself a woman who is ready to jump into your arms.  Oh, that girl will have baggage too ... but you'll be far too busy talking to her on the phone for hours on end ... or making plans to combine houses ... or adopting another cat ... to see the glaring red flags.

If the man I love acted the way you're acting, he would've dropped me before we had our first date.  I can't tell you how scared I was ... how nervous I was ... how certain I was that everything was going to come crashing down at any minute.   The first time he complimented me, I remember standing in my foyer thinking it was mean that he was teasing me.  How fucked up is that?  But he was patient.  He didn't push me.  I didn't push him.  But, hey ... what do we know?

She asks you to let her get to know you ... and she is too much work for you?  

Good luck.  You're going to need it ... because I guarantee you ... you'll meet that woman who is willing to hit the nitro button on a relationship.  She'll probably have several kids ... or several cats ... or live in Anchorage.  But hey, you can figure that all out once you're married, right?  Mazel Tov!

From all the damaged girls in the world ... do us a favor?  We know enough jerks ... we don't need to know another one.  Keep steppin ...

It was only late last night
He was out there sneakin'
Then he called you up to check that you
were waiting by the phone
All the world's a candy store
He's been trick or treatin'
When it comes to true love girl
With him there's no one home

Paula Abdul - Cold Hearted Snake

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