Tuesday, October 22, 2013

I Don't Want To Be Yoko ...

So, as I've written here many (many) times, things have been difficult since my friend passed away.  Things have gotten weird ... and, to my dismay, they just continue to get weirder.

I started worrying a couple weeks ago that I was causing a rift between Stoney and J.  Don't get me wrong ... I'm sure that J would've done a fair job of alienating him all on his own ... but my complaining about things wasn't making it any easier.   Whether I vented directly to him ... or whether I wrote it here ... Stoney was listening to my frustration ... and then having to go back to J and not say anything.  Their friendship was getting strained ... and I didn't want to be the cause of their distance.

So, I made the decision to try and cut down on my side of the drama.  I can't lie ... I still ran my mouth now and then.  When Stoney and I were driving back from the cookout last weekend, I made jokes and laughed at some of the ridiculous things J had said.  But for the most part, now when J says something that makes me sad or upset, I try my best to keep it to myself and let it go.

But despite my best efforts, tonight things got worse. 

J texted me something completely inappropriate.  I opened it in front of Stoney ... because I don't keep secrets ... and I cringed when I saw what J had written.   The message shocked me ... and we laughed that he would think it was alright to ask what he asked ... but the bottom line, it pissed Stoney off.

For good reason.  J's text was disrespectful to me ... but it was disrespectful to Stoney too.  As Stoney said, "If you'd been the one who died, would he be alright with me asking his wife that question?"  No ... no, he wouldn't have been.  I don't think most people would.  Likewise, if Stoney had a girl asking him questions like that?  I'd feel hurt and pissed off.

So ... I wrote J back a short text ... saying he shouldn't talk to me about that stuff ... to ask one of his guy friends.   I know it wasn't as strongly worded as Stoney would've preferred.   But one of my many flaws ... is that I'm adverse to conflict and confrontation.   At first J blew off my response and basically still asked for an answer.  When I didn't respond, he apologized.

It was a quiet night ... a happy night ... despite the asinine text I received.  I don't tell him very often, but I love Stoney ... for many, many reasons.  Even though he was unhappy with the situation, he didn't take it out on me ... which I appreciate more than I can say.

Although it was a good night, I can't deny it ... I am still troubled.  Stoney and J were friends before I came along ... we were all close when my bestie was still alive ... and I'd like those two to still be friends.  I've tried to establish clear boundaries with J.  I always reference Stoney when we're talking.  I try to put things in a "we" context so J knows that, even though he isn't there, Stoney's always part of the conversation. 

I don't want to be one of "those girls."   I can and I do have conversations that aren't about my boyfriend.  But it's different with J.   I don't want him thinking it's alright to talk to me about inappropriate things ...which, as tonight shows, unfortunately he still does.  I'm not one of the guys.  I'm his wife's best friend.  I'm his friend's girlfriend.  The only thing I don't want to be?  Is Yoko ...

I, I just want to be your everything
Open up the heaven in your heart and let me be
The things you are to me
And not some puppet on a string
Oh and I, if I stay here without you,
Darling, I would die
I want you laying in the love I have to bring
I'd do anything to be your everything

Andy Gibb -
I Just Want To Be Your Everything

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