I rarely ever get angry. I can't remember the last time I was really mad. (Shut up, I wasn't mad.) But today? Today I was angry. I was so angry I was past logical thought. It's a vicious circle ... when I get angry, I cry. Then I'm angrier because I'm crying. It's frustrating as hell ... and today was one of those days.
Last night, J was almost giddy ... telling me how wonderful things were with his new girl ... how they had just had a misunderstanding but once he looked into her eyes he knew all was right with the world. Fine ... you've been acting like an asshole but whatever. You're happy now? Good for you.
Today? Today he admits that he's been thinking about suicide ... to the point of writing goodbye notes to people. I was so incredibly angry ... for what was, I'll readily admit, a selfish reason.
Sunny's memorial service was today ... and I couldn't go because it was at one o'clock in Auburn and I didn't have any leave to use. So at one o'clock, I was sitting in my car at lunch ... feeling a little sorry for myself ... and listening to this asshat tell me how he was ready to give up because dating was just so hard. And I ... was ... pissed.
In the last four months, I've lost my cousin ... I've lost my best friend ... I've lost Sunny ... and now on the day of the memorial ... a memorial I can't even attend ... J tells me he's been writing goodbye letters? Just how much am I supposed to take? When the fuck did I become Job?
I think part of the anger is because I don't know how much, if any, of this is a genuine issue ... and how much is just a cry for attention. Here's the bottom line of the problem. When my best friend died, we were all there for him ... ready to give him sympathy and support ... but he didn't want it. The week after she died, he was gushing about a girl that he liked ... and a week after that, they went to a movie together. He's proceeded to date two more girls since then.
Know what? You can't have it both ways. You can't have the love and sympathy and support of all your friends and family ... and brag about living the carefree, happy life of a bachelor. Now he's upset that no one is talking to him and he feels so lonely and alone ... well, he forfeited the hand holding.
I was so busy at work this afternoon that I couldn't finish the conversation with him ... but driving home, I was loaded for bear. I was going to tell him tonight to get his head out of his ass and stop being so goddamned selfish. Other people have been hurting ... other people are having issues ... if he would stop thinking about himself and look around, there are other people with problems far, far worse than he has.
Another friend of ours just found out his cancer is back and he has 2-3 months to live. How about focusing on that ... instead of focusing on if T-Gear forgot your birthday? I know ... I know I'm babbling ... this isn't well written at all. But I'm tired ... and when I saw the picture of the gravestone that was placed today, it took all the wind out of my sails. I'm scattered.
I've been sitting here ordering Christmas presents online. Because making other people happy makes me happy. And for the moment, that's all I can focus on. Tomorrow will take care of itself ... cause tonight being a Christmas elf ... that's all I got.
Well, that ... and this song. Jimmy Fallon wrote a song about J? Who knew?
And I know what you need
But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah
Cause I'm an idiot
And I'm your boyfriend
Yes I am
Jimmy Fallon -
Idiot Boyfriend
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