Saturday, January 04, 2014

Done Done Done ...

Today, I took a big step.  I did the adult, responsible thing.  I paid off my divorce settlement.  That was the last, nagging item left to finish.  And with that, I can call it done and dusted ... and close that chapter of my life.

Without getting into numbers ... because it's gauche to talk money in polite company ... it was a sizable check.  With one neat signature, I wiped out more than half my account balance.  A balance, I might add, of which I'd grown rather fond.

When my office closed, I cashed out my Thrift Savings account with the express purpose of using the money to pay off the settlement and my credit card.  That was three months ago.  I'll admit it.  I drug my feet.  I liked having all that money just sitting there.  Contrary to what this post would suggest, I'm not a very material person.  But I've never had money ... and, I'll admit, it was a good feeling.  So good that I made three monthly payments on the loan ... all because I really didn't want to write that check.

But this morning, I balanced my account.  I looked at the balance and thought ... enough.  It's time to be done with this.   I drove over to the credit union ... got the payoff ... and wrote them a check. 

I expected to walk out of their lobby feeling elated.  I expected to float back to my car.  I was mistaken ... I wasn't happy.  I was angry.

All that money.  Money for things and people that had nothing to do with me.   Money that I agreed to pay ... just to be able to walk away.   I'm not sure which one of us is more pathetic ... but at the moment, it feels like me.  I know it isn't logical.  I knew this was coming and, as I said, I've been planning it for three months.  But now ... after having done it, all I can think of is everything I  could've done with that money.

Mom is happy and we're going to dinner tonight to celebrate.  I didn't have the heart to tell her that I  didn't feel like celebrating.  Why should I celebrate when I feel like I've been manipulated and used and generally fucked over ... again.  

I'm going to lay down and take a nap ... and hopefully when I wake up, I'll see the bright side of this.  Because right now, all I see is a smaller number in a column that deserves to be so much more.

Money, get away
Get a good job with more pay
And your O.K.
Money it's a gas
Grab that cash with both hands
And make a stash
New car, caviar, four star daydream
Think I'll buy me a football team

Pink Floyd - Money

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