Saturday, January 25, 2014

You Ain't Got No Baby Making Parts!

I like to think I'm a reasonably well-adjusted person.  I mean I don't talk to myself ... much.  I don't fling poo at the walls or think there are people in black Cadiallacs following me.  So ... all in all I consider myself mentally healthy.  But then something comes along and I think ... maybe not. 

In my defense ... maybe it's not that I'm not well-adjusted ... maybe it's just that bad habits are hard to break.  Let's be fair ... no matter how sad or lonely it is, if you live long enough with certain things, it starts to become your normal.

Last night, everyone came together to celebrate Christmas.  Between illness, storms, other plans, and life in general, we opened presents one month to the day after Christmas Eve.   It was the first time everyone met Stoney ...

Okay, so here's where I'm being honest.  I was really nervous.  He's important to me.  They're important to me.  I spent years being the monkey in the middle between someone who hated everyone ... and the rest of the world.   I'm not used to being with someone who is funny and charming and ... best of all ... doesn't mind being around people.

My girls are friendly and outgoing ... and say the most hilarious shit out of nowhere.  We were sitting around ... just starting to open presents ... and College One's husband said he was going to guess the presents in his stocking based on shape alone.  He started feeling around and jokingly asked, "Are there condoms in here?!"  When it was my turn, I felt around in my stocking and asked, "Hey! Are there condoms in here??"  At which point, without missing a single beat, College One looked at me and said, "You don't need no condoms ... you ain't got no baby makin' parts!"

Everyone fell out ... we were all laughing.   One of her sisters said, "Really?  You said said that ... really?"  I said, "It's true ... it's nothing but a playground now ..." to which Stoney immediately started singing, "My hoo hoo is my playground ... my hoo hoo is my childhood dream ..."  I laughed until I thought I was going to pee myself.

I gave Idiot's Anonymous Cards Against Humanity and Miniature Moose got all the expansion packs.  We played a round after we finished opening gifts.   I've written about it before ... but I'll say it again ... that game is so wrong ... and the funniest shit you'll ever play.   We sat for quite awhile ... snacking ... laughing ... playing CAH until almost midnight.  I went to bed exhausted ... and so very happy.   It really was an awesome night.

Fast forward ... today was my Mom's birthday.  I took her to lunch at Smokey Bones ... and once we were seated she asked me, "So, what's Stoney doing today?"  I told her not much ... catching up on some TV.  She asked, "Why didn't you ask him to come with us?"  I told her that I thought she would like having a girl's day out with me.  I didn't lie.  That was true ... partly. 

The whole truth ... is that I'm still in that mindset of thinking I have to do everything alone.  The truth is that it didn't cross my mind to ask him to come to lunch.  I always just assume he wouldn't want to go.  You'd think I'd learn.  It took me a long time to take him to family night ... but he says he likes to go ... and everyone loves him.  It took me a year to introduce him to the girls ... and we had a great time together.

I have to get it into my head ... there's a new normal now.  And the best part?  I'm blessed ... because the new normal is awesome ...

This used to be my playground
This used to be my childhood dream
This used to be the place I ran to
Whenever I was in need of a friend

Madonna - This Used To Be My Playground


  1. Miniature Moose10:02 PM

    Well, Stoney said he wanted to hear everything embarrassing about you, so I'm pretty sure we delivered on that end. :D

  2. Haha ... I think that one FB conversation took care of a LOT of our stories. There's a lot of stupid things I've done ... like that time when you were in junior high ... and you three and me were driving back from Pawnee on Friday night and we were all talking and I missed the exit and drove clear to Sherman before we figured out I'd overshot Springfield?? And the time the four of us were in the kitchen on Thanksgiving and I accidentally dropped the sweet potatoes on the floor? You guys snuck out of the house and went to Shop n Save and bought more ingredients so no one would know what I did? LOL I've done a LOT of incredibly stupid things ... so many I don't think we could fit them in one evening??? haha :)