Sunday, April 20, 2014

I Saw It Coming ...

I knew it was coming.  I knew it all day long. When my Mom isn't happy about something, it hangs over me like a cloud.

I knew when I stood my ground two weeks ago and told her I was not going to Easter at anyone's house ... I knew right then and there that this would blow up in my face.   When she picks a battle ... and chews on a subject like a bone ... it's better, in the long run, to just give in.  But I didn't ... and I knew I was going to have to pay the price.

Usually, she gets on the phone to tell me I've slighted her.  Once or twice she's sent a hurtful e-mail.  Once, in a spectacularly shitty mood, she got on Facebook to tell the world her feelings were hurt.  She wrote it in a vague passive-aggressive away ... but everyone still knew it was about me.

I can't tell you how soul-crushingly awful it is to always be the child that lets your parent down.  I have a cousin who is a crackhead ... my brother, at one time, was a drug addict who stole our grandmother's wallet.  But hey ... I still get notified on a fairly regular basis that I'm consistently disappointing.

Most of the times, I let my Mom say her peace.  I suck it up and sit quietly while she tells me what I've done wrong.  Today ... I lost it a little.  Sigh ... I might've lost it a lot.

Today's (expected) list of grievances included:  I didn't go to Easter ... I didn't invite her for Thanksgiving ... I don't invite her to go dinner with Stoney and I when we go ... I'm not taking care of my responsibilities ... and that I'm punishing her for being alive because Dad and K died.

I sat quietly ... like normal.

I apologized ... like normal ... and told her I didn't want her to feel that way ... that I didn't mean to hurt her.  But she kept going.   She kept pushing ...

Let's see ... what else?  Her mother never spent a holiday alone.  I ignore her because I have a man ... I'm spending time with his family and not her.  She thought it was my ex-husband who didn't want her around but it must've been me.  I obviously didn't want her around ... but now I have responsibilities.

So much of what she said is simply ... not ... true.   The last time I saw his parents was at Christmas.  The last time I saw my mom?  Thursday.  We don't invite her to join us when we go out to dinner?  Because we rarely go out to dinner.  I work until 5:30 every night ... by the time I leave the office, I'm too tired to go out to dinner ... with anyone.

By the time I broke in ... I was crying.   I told her when she was feeling ignored and abused, she should think about the fact that I call her every single day.  I check in on her multiple times a day.  I go to dinner with her every couple weeks.  I take her surprises by her apartment ... in fact just last week when she had an eye appointment, I took her chicken wings and jelly beans ... two things she loves.  But I guess that doesn't matter.

Two weeks ago, I spent two separate evenings fixing her laptop ... after working all day ... and I didn't complain.  I was cheerful and told her the whole time it was fine ... that we would get her fixed up.  But I guess that doesn't matter either.

I told her she spent Easter at her brother's house ... because they celebrate Easter.  I don't.  She has never spent a holiday alone and I wasn't worried about her at Thanksgiving because she was already planning on going to her sister's house.

The longer I talked ... the angrier I got ... and the harder I cried.  I told her ... that's fine.  I'll fix it all.  She's going to get what she wants.  Next year I'll go to Easter.  I'll hate it ... but I'll smile.   And no one will know ... but she will know.   She will know that I'll resent every minute I'm there.

I told her ... through gritted teeth ... to think about how her son calls her once a week ... when it's convenient for him.  That is his contribution.  Oh, but he's great!  He doesn't get calls like this.  More was said ... although I can't remember what.  The bottom line is that I'm beyond hurt.   I try to be a good daughter.   But whatever I do ... it isn't enough.  

I had such a great weekend ... such a happy weekend ... but, once again, she managed to ruin it and make me miserable.  Thanks, Mom ... happy Easter.

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Nine Inch Nails - Hurt

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