Monday, April 21, 2014

The Drugs Helped ...

Well, I got up the courage to call.

Sigh.  No ... if I'm being honest?  I took a Vicodin.  I relaxed.  And then I called.

I think I threw her off her game.  She said hello and I lightheartedly said, "Well ... you still love me?"  She paused a heartbeat before saying, "Of course I still love you."  I responded, "Want to yell at me anymore?  I'm in a better place now ... so if you've still got things to say, I'm good ... hit me with it."

She laughed ... and then uneasily said, "No ... I don't want to yell." 

She halfheartedly started talking about Easter ... asking, "Why would you say you hate Easter?  I know you don't."  I sighed ... and said, "Honestly?  I don't care for holidays.  They're a burden and don't look forward to any of them."

Pause this story ... what I didn't say ... is that she is most of the reason I don't like holidays.  Between her and my ex-husband?  I dread almost all of them.  The two of them used to argue and fight ... and no matter what, someone would be unhappy ... and the two of them would, in turn, make me unhappy.  If I included her?  My ex was angry.  If I didn't include her?  She was angry.  Even though he is out of the picture?  Holidays still depress me.

But I didn't say any of that.

I just told her what I said above ... and she proceeded to tell me that she understood because she hated holidays that required presents.  I listened ... and after awhile we had a long conversation about my brother.  I told her why we will never be close ... and I told her it was not her fault.

In the end?

She apologized and said, "I'm sorry.  I shouldn't have said things the way I did."

I apologized ... and said, "I'm sorry.  I shouldn't have lost my temper."

It might've been perfect ... had the conversation ended right there.

But then she told me, as she has so many times before, that I didn't really lose my temper.  I got upset ... because I'm just like my Dad.  She told me how she put up with anything and everything with my Dad ... because it was easier than trying to talk to him.  She said he did not like confrontations ... and I inherited that from him.

Sigh ...

For peace?  Fine.  I'll accept that. 

For what it's worth?  My Dad wasn't perfect.  He had a hundred flaws ... including being a male-chauvinist pig who thought women should be happiest in the kitchen.  But he was a Marine.  He flew with the President.  His dream was to be a drill Sargent.  A drill Sargent who avoided all confrontations, huh?  Sure he did.

It's fine ... because in the end, as I said yesterday, I just want some goddamned peace and quiet.  And if that means eating ham on Easter next year?  I will dig a pit in the backyard with my bare hands and cook a whole fucking hog in it. 

Seriously.  Goddamned ... peace ... and ... quiet ...

Let me tell you now
Ev'rybody's talkin' 'bout
Revolution, Evolution, Masturbation
 Flagellation, Regulation,
Integrations, meditations,
United Nations, congratulations
All we are saying is give peace a chance
All we are saying is give peace a chance

John Lennon - Give Peace a Chance

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