Monday, June 30, 2014

Communications 101 ...

This weekend, Stoney casually said something along the lines of ... sometimes I learn more about you from your blog than from what you actually tell me.

That's ... probably ... accurate ...

I should be a better communicator. 

Share more?  I guess?  

Women have this reputation for being dramatic ... wordy ... for being weepy ... for yelling about little things that don't amount to a hill of beans.  I suppose in an effort to not be that type of woman ... I've gone too far in the other direction.

In the past ... which, believe it or not, I try very hard not to talk about ... I had to be the strong one.  I was the one who fixed everything ... to grin and bear it.   My ex wasn't ... well.  And no matter how many character flaws I have, and I'll admit to having quite a few, I was the one who worked ... the one who kept things together.

So now I'm in uncharted territory.  I'm with someone who is strong and capable ... someone with friends and interests and hobbies ... someone who has taken care of himself for many years.  So while I think he's enjoys having me around ... he doesn't need me.  Which I'm not saying is a bad thing ... it's just new ... and means I have to learn to let go.

It's very (very) hard for me to depend on someone else ... to let my guard down and relax and have faith that he'll be there.   I still do stupid things ... like ask if I can ride with him to a funeral ... or ask if I can stay the night ... because I don't want to assume anything.  But he's patient with me ... and that helps.

The little things that everyone else takes for granted still amaze me.   I loved having a house full of friends ... seeing them sitting around laughing and eating and watching soccer this weekend.  I love that he listens to podcasts ... has magazines he wants to pick up at the store ... plays poker ... looks forward to football season ... watches documentaries when I'm not around.  Stupid shit that no one thinks is special ... but that makes me want to cry because it's normal ... and it makes me happy.

So I need to get better at communicating ... cause I could've told him all this ... but instead I wrote it here.  Sigh ...

I love you, hon.  Baby steps ...

There is freedom within
there is freedom without
Try to catch a deluge in a paper cup
There's a battle ahead
many battles are lost
But you'll never see the end of the road
While you're traveling with me

Crowded House - Don't Dream It's Over

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