Wednesday, June 04, 2014

No One Wins This Competition ...

When K died, it shattered our group of friends.  We didn't know it at the time ... we were all too busy dealing with the immediate aftermath of her sudden passing.   It's only now ... almost a year later ... that I can see how it split us apart.

I had this stupid idea that we would all be even closer.  That we would all comfort and support each other.  After her visitation, a group of us went for dinner ... and we stayed until long after the restaurant had closed.  We took turns telling stories about her ... about her family.  We laughed and we cried.  J wasn't there with us ... I guess that should've been my first clue.

It's hard for me because I'm the outsider.  That's not self pity or whatnot.  It's just the truth.  I came to this group because of K.  We were best friends ... and her husband had worked with this group of people for years.   Their core group was a strong group of friends before I came along.  They'd known each other for years

K brought me to the group.  She forced me to get out of my house when I was so low.   She didn't give me a choice and I guess she didn't give them one either.  But it didn't take long to love them ... First Wife and Wen and Bendy ... and yes, even Pinky.   When I started dating Stoney, they were even more inclusive ... and I really felt like one of group.

But tonight ... I see that we are broken.  

K's passing created a terrible rift.  I could blame J.  I could say he's the one who has done this ... and I wouldn't be wrong.  But it could just as easily be called my fault for not embracing this new, frat-boy persona he's donned.   Pinky and I had words tonight ... words that, quite frankly, I should've been having with him, not her.   She said, for all intents and purposes, that I'm being judgmental ... that everyone grieves differently and this is how he's grieving.

If it weren't for the hostess of tonight's party, I would've broken down and sobbed.  I was already in tears ... until she stepped in.   It felt like Pinky was trying to rewrite history ... to convince me that nobody else feels the way I do ... that everyone else thinks J farts rainbows and pisses glitter.   But our hostess hugged me ... whispered to me and said, "I agree with you" ... and took the load off my shoulders.  She stepped in and said no ... that a lot of people see him that way ... and that she no longer e-mails him because she's tired of it.

I'm tired and angry and sad.  I left ... and Pinky and Bendy were still there ... I'm sure there was a colorful conversation once I'd gone.   I just couldn't do it anymore.  I couldn't argue and I couldn't smile and agree with Pinky ... and Pinky was not going to be satisfied until I said, "Oh yes, I see it now ... you're right."   It's hard because I'm the outsider in this clique.  I don't work with everyone ... and I don't want Pinky or J angry with Stoney because I couldn't keep my mouth shut.

I'm sure Pinky will go directly to J and tell him everything tomorrow ... word for word.  That's just her way.  I'm fully expecting a shit storm.  I should've held my tongue.  The rift was there ... but we were all ignoring it.  I'm afraid there's no ignoring it now.

I'm so sorry, K.  You were the glue that held us together and I can't do it.  I'm sure tonight you're disappointed in me ... and all I can tell you is that I'm more disappointed in myself.

Every time I think of you
I always catch my breath
And I'm still standing here
And you're miles away
And I'm wonderin' why you left
And there's a storm that's raging
Through my frozen heart tonight
I hear your name in certain circles
And it always makes me smile
I spend my time thinkin' about you
And it's almost driving me wild
And there's a heart that's breaking
Down this long distance line tonight

John Waite - Missing You

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