Friday, August 29, 2014

Crawling From The Wreckage ...

Okay ... so two stories ... both related to kidney function.

Part one.  I knew I was supposed to be a) taking in my fluid and b) eating more bananas, oranges, tomatoes, pineapple, etc.  So Stoney generously offered to get his juicer out and show me how to make fresh juice.  I was very enthusiastic.  I'm not really into eating oranges ... pulp squicks me out.   But orange juice?  Yum!  Peaches?  LOVE me some peaches ... and although that wasn't one of the items specifically on the kidney diet, why couldn't we put peaches with oranges???  It sounded like fun on a bun!  Or, more accurately, class in a glass!

So ... I bought oranges, clementines, peaches, strawberries, blueberries, and a whole goddamned pineapple.  How is that for enthusiasm??  I took it over to Stoney's after work ... and after having the delicious meal he made, we proceeded to juice!

This ... ugh.

This is not my thing.  Have you ever had fresh orange juice?  I'm not talking about the stuff at the Florida State Welcome Center.  I'm talking about real ... fresh out of a juicer ... orange juice?   It is thick.  It is pulpy.  It is foamy.  It is ... horrific.

Peach juice?  Even thicker.  Blueberries?  Blueberries, when juiced, are the consistency of the cranberry sauce I get in a can every year at Thanksgiving.  Strawberry juice?  Not as horrific as you'd think ... but strawberries themselves are not that sweet.  So ... it was ... tart.  Very tart.

We didn't even bother with the pineapple.  I love pineapple juice.  If I'd tasted what real pineapple juice tasted like ... and if it tasted like the rest of it?  I would've sat on the kitchen floor and cried like a baby.

I was so disheartened.  I felt like the world's biggest loser ... and not in the good NBC/Jillian Michaels way.  I really could've cried.  The concept of fresh juice ... is absolutely nothing like the reality.  I cannot convey to you the repulsive texture of peach juice ... or any of it, to be honest.  It was gross.  I asked Stoney, "Why doesn't this taste like juice?  Why doesn't this taste like Dole or Tropicana???"

He explained about how they add water and sugar ... lots of sugar.  So what I'm used to being juice is basically juice-flavored sugar water.  We tried adding filtered water to it ... ugh.  It's just so bad.

It was depressing ... only because I felt like I let everyone down ... from my nephrologist to me to Stoney ... everybody.   We ended the night laying in bed ... listening to a thunderstorm rage outside ... while we tried a little bag of Lay's Mac and Cheese potato chips ... and I drank a Capri Sun. 

I know what you're thinking ... "Capri Sun???  What the hell happened to fresh juice?!"  My answer?  Fuck it ... if you're going to fail?  You might as well fail spectacularly.

Part two?  Part of the "Kick This Kidney Issue In The Butt" campaign is my new medicine.  Lasix is a water pill ... not much different than the hydrochlorothiazide I used to take ... just stronger.   The doctor suggested I break the pill in half ... and take the first half in the morning ... the second in the afternoon.  That is what I did Thursday.

Know what happens when you take a water pill in the afternoon?  You piss ... every hour ... on the hour ... all goddamned night long.  I am not kidding.  I am not exaggerating.  10:30?  Piss.  11:45?  Piss.  12:35?  Piss  EVERY HOUR.  By two o'clock, I stopped being mad or frustrated ... I literally just gave up.  I knew it was the meds ... I knew it was inevitable ... so I just got up and peed.  Again.  And again.

So this morning I wake up ... and I am exhausted.  Exhausted isn't the word.  I'm the walking dead.  I go to work and decide, "Fuck this shit ... I'm taking the whole pill in the morning ... then I can pee all day long and sleep all night."  That's not necessarily a bad plan.   However, it is a bad plan when you don't eat anything before you take it ... and you only eat a handful of mac and cheese chips after you take it.   Such a bad plan.

I was nauseous.  My head was woozy.  My stomach was wonky.  Not only was I sick from the medicine, I was tired.  I just wanted to go back to bed

My boss said it was fine ... we were slow and it was the day before a holiday weekend.  He said to head out at 11:30 ... and so I texted Stoney to tell him I was leaving work in case he needed me.  He said, "Why don't you head to my house?  You can play Diablo if you feel up to it ..."

And so ... I spent the afternoon ... relaxing on his couch ... playing Diablo ... laying in the big new bed when I got sleepy and/or queasy.  I made us an electric skillet full of steak fried rice ... but didn't feel well enough to each much of it.   Nausea aside ... it was a pretty wonderful day.

So thank you Stoney for letting me crash at your house made all the difference in the world.  I owe you one ...

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