Sunday, February 01, 2015

Live Blogging the 2015 Super Bowl - The First Half

My first year live blogging the Super Bowl with Stoney!  Woot!  And guess what?  This year I actually know who is playing!  Seattle and the Patriots.  Where are the Patriots from?  I don't know ... but Markey Mark was on the pre-game show wearing one of their hats so ... um ... Boston?

Last year, we had a Super Bowl party ... so I didn't blog.  This year, Stoney was inviting to another party ... but his knee is all messed up.  As one of our friends put it?  He has a hitch in his giddy-up.  So ... he's stuck with me.  I have wings baking in the oven and three different finishing sauces ... so ... it can't be all bad?

Side note:  The Patriots came out to Ozzy and Crazy Train.  Seattle came out to The Verve and Bittersweet Symphony.  Um ... one of these things is not like the other?  Confused.

First Break (Pre Game)

Reebok/Crossfit - C - Okay ... so ... I'm conflicted.  On one hand, I'm in awe of these people and what they do. After all, Crossfit is something I will NEVER be able to participate in.  It hurts my kidneys to pick up a six pack of Propel ... that's not a joke ... they impress me!  On the other hand, I have a sneaky suspicion that these people are going to rise up and kill us fatties in our sleep.

Pizza Hut - Crust - Okay so I don't want to talk about the commercial.  I want to talk about the steaming bucket of shit that is Pizza Hut.  I don't care what kind of crust they invent.  Asiago and Parmesan?  Pretzel?  It's all Toe Jam and Ear Wax to me.

Spongebob Movie - Omigod!  I love this!  This is gonna be so ... wait ... what?  This isn't Hot Tub Time Machine?  It's not 2002?  Ohhhhh, okay ... this is gonna suck balls.  Gotcha!

Chevy Trucks - D - The premise?  Women love guys in trucks.  Ugh.  No, we don't.  If you put a douche into a truck?  He's a douche ... in a truck.  Congratulations, Chevy ... you're going to have showroom full of douches there to buy a truck ... fully believing it will make women like them.  Hey, girls?  Know how to avoid dating a douche?  Start avoiding all guys driving a 2015 Chevy.

McDonalds - New Form of Payment - A - Or as we like to call it ... Big Macs for BJs!  Hey ... it gives all new meaning to the Happy Meal!  I'm only giving this commercial an A because I look forward to watching hundreds of teenagers paying for their meals with hugs and all the awkward boners that are guaranteed to follow.  (Side note:  Wouldn't Awkward Boner be a great band name?)

Jurasic Park - This isn't a product ... but wow!  That looks fun!  Chris Pratt is my new actor crush ... I'm kinda hoping, at some point in the movie,  he inexplicably picks up a guitar and belts out a verse of  "Bye Bye Lil' Sebastian!"

Chevy Colorado - D - The Premise?  What if your TV went out?  Fuck you Chevy.  I thought there was snow on the dish again.  Not funny.  Although ... wifi in your vehicle?  Hmmm ... the geek in me is intrigued.

Esurance - B - The premise?  Lindsay Lohan is "close" to your mom.  It's kind of sad when an actress falls to the point she makes money by making fun of herself.  Also ... she's starting to sound like Clint Eastwood.  Please, Lindsay ... stop with the Marlboro Reds.

Toyota Camry - Legless Woman - D - What in great green fuck does this woman have to do with owning a Toyota?  Sure ... she's impressive as hell?  But will owning a Camry empower me to do a fraction of what she does?  No.  I'm doing good to make chicken wings.  Mmmmm ... chicken wings.  I need to check on the chicken wings.

Turbo Tax - Tea Party - C - The premise?  If we could've filed our taxes for free, we wouldn't have fought the British.  Cute enough ... I guess.  This commercial did not involve a puppy ... or a donkey ... or a Clydesdale so ... I'm giving it a C.

Game of War - D - Um ... have you played a game on your phone?  Have you bought one of these apps?  There are no stunning graphics.  There are no tits.  Please, please believe me, teenage boys ... there are no tits.

Tomorrowland - This isn't a product ... but Jesus!  Is it possible for a movie suck harder than a Dyson?  It's a movie about an area of Disneyland.  That's it.  Just the name.  Hey, here's a thought ... let's make a movie called, "Produce Aisle" ... doesn't that sound awesome?!  No ... it doesn't.

BMW - A - The Premise?  Bryant Gumble and Katie Couric don't understand technology ... again.  Damn, that was cute!!  Adorable!   


Snickers - A++ - Brady Bunch -The premise?  When Marsha is hungry, she becomes Danny Trejo ... and Jan becomes Steve Bucemi.  GODDAMN ... that was awesome!  That's easily in the running for the best commercial of this game.

Carnival Cruise Lines - F - John F. Kennedy - Seriously.  SERIOUSLY.  You're going to sell my tickets to a cruise by using John F. Kennedy?  Why don't you sell me a Mercedes Benz using Janis  Joplin?  Oh wait?  You have.  Goddamned soulless marketing assholes. 

Skittles - B - Let's Settle This the Usual Way - The premise?  Everyone from the elderly to babies settle disputes by arm wrestling.  It's creepy ... as most Skittle commercials are?  But oddly fun too.  Also ... um ... can somebody front me some Skittles?  I'll totally pay you back tomorrow.

T-Mobile - F - Kim Kardashian - Save the Data - Fuck you, Kim.  If the only use America has for its data is look at Kim Kardashian's ass?  Take our iPhones.  Take them all.  We're better off without them.

Budweiser - A - OMIGOD ... I LOVE THAT PUPPY!!!

Side Note - I took a break at this point to eat copious amounts of chicken wings.  Were there commercials?  Yes.  Did I blog them?  No ... because my fingers were coated with an array of num num sauces.  So, to wrap this up ... I'm back ... although I'm food drunk and, to be brutally honest, uncomfortably full. This will probably affect the grading curve.  

Nationwide Insurance - F - Dead Kid - The premise?  Kids die.  Did you know that?  Kids die.  In horrible, horrible ways.  Let Nationwide show you a few scenarios.  See?  They die!  Wanna pay for the funeral?  Get Nationwide.  I guess?

Esurance - A - Say My Name.  The Premise?  Walter White is "Almost Greg" ... that was dark ... and awesome.  Not as dark as, "Hey, your child is gonna die" ... but we call can't be manic-depressive goth teenagers disguised as advertising execs.

Side Note - At some point, they played a domestic violence ad that was, no lie, disturbing as fuck.  Disturbing.  Horrible.  Between the dead kids, the domestic violence, and the "Daddy" ads, I think we can safely call this the "2015 Prozak Super Bowl!"

Half Time Show
Hey, everybody!  It's Katy Perry in the Pepsi Halftime Show!  Wouldn't it be great if her backup dancers were called the "Awkward Boners"?!  See, America ... told ya that would work!

First thoughts on the show?  Who put the acid in my chicken wings?  Damnit, Stoney ... there are smiling palm trees and singing beach balls!  Dancing sharks?!  Who gave me acid?!

Stoney just pointed out Katy has a Wii strap on her microphone.  Safety!  Way to go, Katy!

Also?  Before we start the second half? 

Always Panty Liners just commanded us to empower women to have more self esteem.  Know what would give me more self esteem as a woman?  Not having to watch tampon commercials.  Please, corporate America ... stop ... for the love of all that's holy ... stop.

Winner of the 2015 Super Bowl First Half?
Danny Trejo in Marsha Marsha Marsha!


  1. Anonymous4:30 PM

    Hmmmmmmmm........sigh......purrrrrrrrrrrrr.....wake me when its all over, will ya?

  2. We must have had completely different viewing experiences. I liked most of the commercials (the Nationwide dead kids one somehow got past me; I didn't see it until I defended it on FB thinking they were talking about the one with Mindy Kaling, Matt Damon, and Julia Roberts). As for a move based on a section of Disneyland? What about Pirates of the Caribbean? When the trailers for that first started showing, everyone was like, "A movie about a ride at Disneyland? How can that possible be good?" And then it was! :)

  3. Hmmmm ... that's a valid argument. Pirates of the Caribbean was a ride ... and it WAS good. But ... have you seen the trailer for Tomorrowland? It just doesn't look good. Or least to me it doesn't. The Nationwide dead kid one creeped me out ... mainly because I looked it it like ... what? They're dead ... you're offering life insurance? But a friend of mine said if you went to the website, it was featuring safety tips about avoiding fatal accidents. So ... there you go.

    I think maybe I'm too cynical at this point?? haha :)