I hate pennies. I hate pennies with an illogical hate that most people reserve for things like world hunger and elder abuse. I hate pennies. I don't understand why they exist. How are pennies still a thing?
Did you know there used to be half pennies? Because there were things that cost less than a penny.
"Here you go, that will be two and a half cents."
"Thank you, my good man ... here is three cents."
"Thank you, good sir, and here is your half penny in change."
That was a thing. I get that.
It's 2015. Are we, as a society, not able to round up? Seriously. If I'm expected to pay five bucks for a grilled chicken sandwich, could we maybe not make it five bucks and seven cents? Yes, I'm sure there was someone back in 1857 who said, "But we can't get rid of the half penny! Do you realize how much those fuckers will over-charge us when they round up?"
Alright ... they wouldn't have said that. They would've said, "Soft! Wherefore should we forsake this coin? Methinks our churlish foes will hoodwink us by our trusting nature! They shall purloin our tuppence!"
Okay well ... that's ridiculous. They wouldn't say that either. I have no idea what anyone was saying in 1857. But I do know what people in 2015 are saying. Why the fuck do pennies still exist?
When Stoney is leaving for work and says, "Hey, hon? I'm going to run by County Market on the way home. Do we need anything?" I don't say, "Um, sure. We need a loaf of bread, a gallon of milk ... oh, and can you pick up a jar of leeches? I haven't been feeling very well lately? I don't know ... I think my blood is thick or something? Yeah, grab some leeches. Extra strength leeches if they have them!"
Leeches were a thing. Pennies were a thing.
Basically, what I'm saying is ... for the love of all that is holy, stop giving me pennies. They weigh a goddamn ton and I can't pick up my purse anymore. Charge me a nickle and stop this copper-colored madness ...
Penny lover, you're my one desire
Tell me baby could this be true
That I could need someone, like I need you
Lionel Richie - Penny Lover