Monday, January 18, 2016

I Know What I Know ...

So, in the interest of full-disclosure, I know almost nothing about sports.  I find it amazing that every day Mike and Mike have something else to talk about when it comes to sports.  Those two guys are on every morning discussing every aspect of every sport ... it's mind boggling.  I fully expect to wake up one morning and this conversation:  "Did you SEE that badminton game last night?"  "Oh man ... that shuttlecock was CLEARLY out of bounds."

Note:  See what I'm talking about?  I know nothing about sports.  I don't know anything about badminton.  Does anything in that game really land out of bounds?  I don't know.  I just wanted to make a joke involving the word shuttlecock.  Shuttlecock.  HAH!  Mark THAT off the bucket list!

However, despite my impressively tiny knowledge of anything "sporty ball" ... I am picking up a few things through osmosis.  Stoney's house ... pardon me ... our house .... has five televisions.  Why is this impressive?  It's a two bedroom home. There's a large television in the living room ... a small one in the kitchen ... a nice size in the master bedroom ... and the final two are in the spare bedroom and basement.  All are fitted with Direct TV receivers and/or DVRs ... and, on any given Sunday ... all are tuned to ESPN. 

Okay, so you're thinking to yourself ... this house sounds like some sort of Elvis-esque Graceland circa 1974.   While I think shag carpeting on the ceiling sounds delightful ... I, unfortunately, have to burst your bubble.  If Stoney isn't currently in the room, that television is typically on mute ... and mainly it's set up this way so he can go room to room doing various projects and also watch the game, in essence, seamlessly.

My point in sharing this is that, when you live in an environment like this, you're bound to pick up a little knowledge.  I've learned the names of most of the teams ... Pittsburgh is home to the Steelers, for example.  I can recognize a small handful of players ... Payton Manning likes chicken parm.  And I know a few basic things about the game itself ... for example, everyone should always throw the ball to Dez Bryant.

Now the bottom line is that I don't have any opinion or preference about any of this knowledge.  Except chicken parm ... mmmmm ... chicken parm.  But I don't have a preference for any team or player ... I don't care about who wins or loses.  As far as sports go, as a whole ... I don't care.

Except for Tom Brady.

Tom Brady is a lying, cheating pussy.

 I believe, in life, it's usually never about the sin ... it's about the coverup.  Admit to what you've done and the world will move on.  Unless you're Tom Brady.  If you're Tom Brady, you get caught ... you get a punishment ... then you whine and cry and stomp your feet until someone says, "Aw, that's okay, Tom ... you can play in the reindeer games.  Here ... dry your tears, lil' buddy ... have a cookie."

Fuck that.  Fuck that hard.  Be a man, Tom Brady.

That's pretty much all I care about in sports.  Tom Brady is a lying, cheating pussy.  And chicken parm ... chicken parm does taste so good.

I'm not aware of too many things
I know what I know, if you know what I mean
Philosophy is the talk on a cereal box
Religion is the smile on a dog
I'm not aware of too many things
I know what I know, if you know what I mean

Edie Brickell and The New Bohemians - What I Am

Edited to Add:  I forgot to mention something.  I do know enough about sports now that I came up with the sweetest name for a fantasy football team ever.  Good Will PuntingGet it?  Like ... Good Will Hunting ... but ... punting ... like football?  Those skinny little dudes that kick the ball?  Punting?  HAH!  Common ... that is an awesome name, right?  Stoney says he doesn't use "cute" names like that unless it's basketball or baseball ... but that's okay ... because then it becomes ... Good Will BUNTING!  Goddamn ... I am like a sports genius over here!!


  1. I hate Tom Brady with the fire of a thousand burning suns.

  2. Thank you, Julie ... thank you. (Clapping!)