Okay so ... part of the whole kidney failure thing is a lack of appetite. It is the weirdest thing in the world ... I have no idea how to describe it ... but I'm going to try.
I've been told that foods will eventually take on a metallic taste ... but I don't have that yet. No ... right now it's this bizarre combination of a complete lack of interest in any food and an almost instant feeling of fullness.
For a fat girl, it's a new sensation to have no interest in food. I've been heavy most of my life because I genuinely enjoy food. I'm not a foodie. I have no interest in goat cheese or chimichurri or anything involving the word "infused." I'm from the Midwest. I was raised to enjoy a good filet ... BBQ ribs ... cheese ... mashed potatoes ... pasta. I'm fat for a reason ... because fat tastes good.
So to have this complete apathy towards food ... especially later in the day ... is foreign. What do you want for dinner? Ummmm ... [insert gap here]. There is no answer because there is almost nothing I want. There are things I can make myself eat ... but even that is constantly changing. I'll have a taste for Raisin Bran and eat a bowl twice a day for a week. Then ... poof! My tolerance for that is gone. I'll want nothing but salads? Then that taste disappears. I'll crave shrimp dip ... and only want a handful of chips and dip for dinner for a week. Then ... poof! It's gone too.
In my head, living next to that dysfunction, is the polar opposite. I'll occasionally want something ... really want it. I'll think to myself, "I am going to order that 16 oz ribeye and I will eat every bite of that steak!" or "I want a pie. No ... I want all the pie!" I smell something and I remember the taste and I can feel that taste in my head. But in every single one of these cases, I'll have a bite (or two or three) and be done. Completely done. There's no pushing past it ... when done hits? You're done.
This conversation between Stoney and myself happens weekly:
T: I don't know ... nothing.
S: I guess I'll eat leftovers.
T: Okay - I'm going to make chicken wings.
S: Okay - I won't eat much cause
I'll eat whatever you don't finish.
T: Don't plan on eating my wings.
I'm eating ALL these wings.
S: You're going to eat five ... maybe.
T: No I'm not!
I'm eating ALL THESE WINGS!
S: Sure you are.
Ninety minutes later:
T: Um ... honey?
S: How many did you finish?
T: About a pound.
S: Sigh ... hand them over.
Stoney is very understanding ... if a little frustrated ... with the constant, ever-changing meal requirements. I'm currently on a kick where I want to drink gallons of black-cherry lemonade ... when that taste leaves, I'll never want to drink it again. But in the meantime, I'm making pitcher upon pitcher of it.
The third, and most frustrating, problem is that rarely (very rarely) there is a window where I do want to eat and can eat. Today, for instance, I wanted nachos for lunch ... so I drove to Taco Gringo. Now, I'm optimistic but not an idiot ... so I bought a small order ... and ate probably 75% of it. This should be a good thing, right?
It's not ... because I feel awful. When I do eat real food ... for instance when I went to a steakhouse with my mom on Sunday and had a few bites of steak and a potato ... I wind up feeling terrible. It's a vicious, never ending cycle ... apathy ... hunger ... nausea ... fatigue.
And ... let's be honest ... sadness. Sadness because I miss enjoying food. That fat girl is still inside me. Well, that fat girl is still everywhere. I'm losing weight all the time ... but I'm just slightly less fat. But I can tell ... the personality flaw that landed me at Lane Bryant will keep me there forever.
They tell me that once I start dialysis my appetite will come back ... and it will come back with a vengeance. They say "rebound weight gain" is a common thing because people can actually eat again. And since that fat girl is still in my brain thinking, "I want ALL the chicken wings!" ... I can only imagine this rebound will be an issue down the road.
In the meantime ... my back aches like hell ... my head hurts ... and I'm left wishing I would've stuck with dry pretzels instead of nachos. Sigh ... tomorrow's another day.
PS - Do you watch Shameless? You should ... and because of Shameless you should listen to "The F Word" ... trust me on this one!
When I was young
I was taught not to say the F word
I guess I forgot
As a grown man with an open heart inside
I got married to the F word
And my heart slowly died
F is for Fiona
With her fists of flaming fire
F is for Fiona
I felt like I could fly
But then fucking Fiona
Was fucking everyone
Fuck you Fiona
Cause now I'm fucking done