How I Wound Up Crying On Christmas ...

As Donkey, on "Shrek the Halls" always says, "Christmas ain't Christmas until somebody's crying."

Christmas is an emotionally stressful time for me.  I could go into the reasons why ... it started back when I was a teenager and continued on ever since.   But it doesn't really matter why.   What matters is that I dread each and every holiday of the year and have reoccurring nightmares specifically about Christmas.

These nightmares usually involve me realizing that it's Christmas Eve (or a birthday or anniversary) and I realize that I don't have any presents.  So I'm driving around trying to find something special for someone.  I inevitably find myself at Walgreens or Lowe's ... looking at bandaids or plumbing supplies ... in a cold sweat because I know I'm about to ruin Christmas.

I am not lying, people ... I have these dreams before every single holiday.

Before Easter I'm dreaming that I've forgotten to buy a ham and everyone is coming over.   Before Thanksgiving, I've lost the turkey.   Before St. Patrick's Day, I've forgotten to buy any corned beef.   I'm telling you ... it's either presents or food.   Before a holiday, I'm panicking about one of those two things.

In the case of this year, I had my transplant at the end of September and was on short term disability for six weeks.  I'm blessed that my work offers short term disability insurance so I didn't go completely without income.  But you do have to go one week without pay before the 70% rule kicks in.   My first "whole" paycheck was the second week of December.   I had bought a handful of things in November ... but still ... I was at a constant, low grade panic for most of November and December.

Still, by the time it was over, I think I did a fair job.   No one had an opulent Christmas this year.   But I was able to get the girls each one gift card and one smaller present.   My mom got the one item she specifically wanted.   Stoney mainly got games and a book ... oh, and some clothes but only because he gave me his Kohl's points.  Let's not lie to ourselves ... that means he bought himself clothes ... but he was kind enough to be gracious about the situation.

I tried to tell myself that what I pulled together was enough.  It would have to be, right?  Years and years ago, when my family was low on money and short on food, my great grandmother used to tell my grandmother, "Don't worry, Milly ... they'll stop eating when they hit plate."  So I told myself, "Don't worry, Thirty ... they'll stop unwrapping when they hit carpet."

And things went well.  At least I felt like things went well.  I felt guilty about the Kohl's points thing ... but aside from that, I felt pretty calm about the situation.   We had our Christmas with the girls and they were all kind about their gifts ... I'd told them ahead of time this wasn't a great year ... and no one acted disappointed.  (Thank you for that, by the way.)   Mom loved hers ... which I wasn't worried about since she'd only wanted one thing and received that one thing.  I mean, it's hard to miss the bullseye with that kind of request.

Christmas morning, Stoney woke me up and we opened our stockings and our presents.  His gifts to me were obviously nicer ... I mean, the gifts in my stocking were worth more than what I gave him all together.  But again, I thought it was alright.   When it was all over, he went in the kitchen to make breakfast and asked me to put a couple boxes down in the basement for safe keeping.

When I opened the basement door, I saw something in the shadows.  I turned the light on ... and there was a wrapped gift ... along with another beautiful stocking.   I picked them up and took them to the living room with Stoney following.   There was a card in the stocking that said, "From Santa to Jackie Kidney - Ho Ho Ho!"   My hands were shaking when I opened everything.   There were gift cards to my two favorite restaurants ... with a note that said, "Dear Jackie - Now you can take Stoney and Thirty out to dinner!  Merry Christmas, Love, Santa!"

I went over to hug Stoney and started crying.   The whole kidney transplant thing is still such a big thing to me.   I don't know that I've processed it all fully ... it really is a lot to think about.   My whole family recognized Jackie this year ... she was listed on our Christmas cards ... both from and to us ... we talked about her at every get together ... College One gave me a little sculpture of Jackie complete with pill box hat, pearls, and sunglasses ... and Stoney's family even talked about her celebrating her first Christmas.   So to find Stoney had made a stocking for her ... that was the cherry on a happiness sundae that I could no longer contain.

He stood their and hugged me while I blubbered.  

It doesn't matter how long I live ... I won't be able to do anything that special for him.

I wish I could tell my donor's husband how loved his gift was ... how much his wife is thought of and appreciated.   Maybe we'll meet him this year ... I'm friends with her friends and it's been discussed.   I haven't reached out because it's only been three months ... and this is his first Christmas without his wife.  No matter how happy I am, I'm sure he is still grieving.

In any case ... Christmas must be Christmas ... because someone was crying.   But in our house, they were tears of happiness.

I see your smilin' face
Like I never seen before
Even though I love ya madly
It seems I love you more
And little cards you give me
Will touch my heart for sure
All these things and more, darling
That's what Christmas means to me my love

Stevie Wonder - What Christmas Means To Me