A Wonderful Weekend ... Derailed By the Hangries ...

So, after my surgery in September, the nurse talked to me extensively about the medication I would need to take post-transplant.  Each morning, I take twelve pills ... each evening I take around seven.   I can tell you the names and purpose of each one ... some I can even tell you the dosage.  Eventually, they will wean me down off of most (or some) of those drugs ... but three of them I will take for the life of my new kidney.

Those drugs are Mycophenolate, Tacrolimus, and Prednisone.   Mycophenolate and Tacrolimus are both immune suppressants that keep my immune system from attacking the new kidney.  Prenisone?  Well, everyone knows what Prenisone is, right?

In one of my clinic visits after the surgery, the nurse sat me down and said, "You know how there's a freshman fifteen?"  "Yes, of course."  "Well, there's also a transplant twenty.  It's going to happen.  You will gain twenty pounds.  Expect it.  Prednisone is hard on your body and it will cause mood swings and insomnia and exhaustion and weight gain."

Mood swings?   Maybe.  I was definitely crabby yesterday which could either be Prenisone or the fact that I was super tired for some weird reason.  Insomnia.  Definitely in the beginning.  After the surgery, it would be impossible to sleep.  I would wander the house ... watch television ... read a book.  Whatever.  Anything to kill time until I finally collapsed into unconsciousness.  Now that they've lowered the dose, that problem is much, much better.

Now the weight gain?   Okay, first, I haven't had any weight gain yet.  I'm four months out and I'm actually about two pounds less than I was before the surgery.   I've been three or four pounds lower than this even ... and it was a glorious number to see on the scale ... but that was during the flu outbreak when I didn't eat anything but crackers for three days ... so we're not going to count that glorious number.

I have had what I call Prenisone moments.  Moments where food is like gravity ... a constant, mind-numbing, pulling sensation that draws you to anything edible.  When I was on a large dose of Prenisone right after the surgery, this happened almost daily.  Usually after my Mom left and before Stoney got home ... or during those insomnia moments when I would wander through the house like a homeless, chubby ghost.

But I found that if I made an effort to recognize that moment.  "This is NOT real.  This is JUST the Prednisone."  That seemed to help.  But that wasn't all.  The second step was to tell myself, "You can have ANYTHING you want.  But you have to decide WHAT you want.   You can't just graze ... you have to pick ONE thing."  So usually I'd spend an hour or so wandering in and out of the kitchen.  Opening the fridge.  Closing the fridge.  Opening the cabinets.  Closing the cabinets.  Then finally deciding a box of animal crackers was the ONE GODDAMN THING I WANTED.  And nine out of ten times I was happy.

So I've avoided the transplant twenty so far.  Then yesterday happened.

I can't explain it.  I don't have an excuse.  I woke up exhausted.  I mean utterly exhausted.  I haven't felt that way in a long time.   Maybe it's because we went to the Hoogland Arts Center on Friday night and stayed out late?  I just don't know.  But I was exhausted and cranky.   Everything irritated me.  I wanted to do three things ... eat, sleep, and generally be left alone.

Stoney made homemade skillet queso dip.  Which I ate.  Stoney made homemade bread.  Which I ate.  Stoney made homemade beef vegetable soup.  Which I ate.  I ate pretzels and cream cheese.  And a sandwich.  And some random cheese.  And I drank milk.  ALL THE MILK.  And I ate leftover Christmas candy.  Like a random box of Nerds that was laying around on the kitchen table.  And more bread.  With butter.  And then I drank some of Stoney's grape drink.

It was around 6:00 that it hit me.  I realized that I was having a Prednisone moment.  Fuck that ... I was having a Prednisone DAY.   At that point, I had NO idea how many calories I'd consumed but it was in the high four figures.   Around 7:30, Stoney said he was going to get up and get a snack and asked if I wanted anything.  I explained that something was going on ... and that I had to stop with the binging.   He was so helpful.  He even stopped me from getting up about 8:45 and making one of those coffee cup microwave cake things ... because I had a soul crushing desire for cake.  But we held that monster back.

I woke up and was only about a half pound heavier than the day before.  I weigh myself daily because of the whole new kidney/urine output thing ... so I expected a change.   At least I didn't break the scale ... which I was fully expecting.  Today wasn't as bad.  I think because I recognized the issue.  I've totally been in control today ... at least so far.

I'm sorry to Stoney for being such a grouch yesterday.  I was tired and I was abnormally and constantly hangry ... but no excuses.  I love you and you're an amazing partner.   Thank you for the wonderful weekend and for date night and for a dinner out and a show at the Hoogland.  And of course thank you for making homemade bread and homemade queso and homemade beef vegetable soup!   It was delicious ... no ragrats!  (Well, not many ...)

Ah, but when that clock strikes midnight
And I'm all by myself
I work that combination
On my secret hideaway shelf
And I pull out some Fritos corn chips
Dr Pepper and an ole Moon Pie
Then I sit back in glorious expectation
Of a genuine junk food high

Larry Groce - Junk Food Junkie