I Can't Be This Old ...

So, at the moment, I feel so very old.   It's probably whatever virus has settled in my chest that is making me bone tired.   But it's also because my last remaining ovary has decided to give up the ghost.

I had my blood tested last week and my FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) number shows I'm post-menopausal.   I knew something was going on ... I'm having hot flashes and I'm beyond irritable.  Those symptoms are so stereotypical that it's laughable.   But along with that, I've discovered that I've gone from an extrovert to an introvert.  It's as if my body's magnetic poles have suddenly reversed.

Nobody tells you that can happen.

But it can. 

I want to sit at my desk and work and not talk to anyone.  I don't want to make plans.  I don't want to be social.   I decided I would, as a New Year's Resolution, make plans with various girlfriends to go out and be social.  Then, to my utter dismay, I discovered I don't enjoy being social.  Not the way I used to.   I used to be the life of the party.  I could keep people in stitches telling stories about my work or my family or my friends. 

And I can still do that ... I can still be the person I used to be.   It just takes so much effort.   All I want to do is to drive home, pull into the garage, shut the door that shuts out the world, and fall into Stoney's arms.   He's comforting and understanding and is my sunlight in the daytime and my moonlight at night. 

But everything else ... everything else takes more effort than it's worth.  I think I need some kind of medication.   Hormone replacement therapy or anti-depressants or something.

Also, I need this stupid Wish app to stop sending me notifications on my phone.

Sigh ...

Did I mention I'm irritable?

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It's cloud's illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

 

Joni Mitchell - Both Sides Now