Friday, February 18, 2005

Three days in a row ... it MUST be bad ...

You know, I don't usually devote this much time to one single issue ... but here we go again. This, my friends, is a complete picture of the new and "improved" Bugs Bunny and friends.

We all flipped for it," said David Janollari, president of the Kids' WB. "I think the legacy is intact," he added. "If anything, it's an homage to the legacy, instead of a destruction of the legacy."

Well, folks, in honor of WB's decision to "re-imagine" one of my fondest childhood memories, I've decided that maybe it's time to update a few other classics ...

Flintsta-Iizzle Tele-Vissle - Set in the year 2200, we see the Flinstone clan in an all new, high-tech environment ... a place which more closely resembles Blade Runner than Bedrock. Fred is now known as F-Dog ... a pimp with an attitude and a hip-new vocabulary for kids to learn! In his stable, of course, is the luscious redhead W-to-tha-F and bouncy (and I do mean bouncy) brunette Baby-B. F-Dog's heavy hand man is, naturally, Wee-Barn ... a man with a Tarantino hair-trigger and a killa laugh.

Animal DeathMatch - Toon Style - In this new production, we'll use clay-mation (Celebrity Deathmatch Style) to introduce a brand new fanbase to our old love-able characters. Will Snagglepuss be able to bitch-slap Augie Doggie Daddy to his knees? Will Boo Boo finally take out that chainsaw we all knew the ranger had hidden in his office and put an end to Yogi's incessant whining about pic-a-nic baskets?? And more importantly, can Scooby Due put a smack-down on Astro-Dog's ASS??? Tune in to see the gruesome but hip details!

All-Toon High - The Teen Years - In this teen-friendly series, we'll offer a glimpse into the future of all the cutest toon tots in history. Ever imagine His-Boy-Elroy as a pimpled-faced, foul-mouthed, gang-bangin' punk? Well, we did! How about Penny from Inspector Gadget as the hippest, hottest pop-tart on the quad? That's right folks ... she not only solves mysteries, but she's looser than the dollar slots at the Palms! And what about Sherman? Now that Mr. Peabody's six feet under, Sherm is geekin' it out in his basement "chemistry lab" ... ace'ing those SAT's ... and making a little extra scratch selling xtc to Bam-Bam and the rest of the juiced-up jock squad. You'll find non-stop fun and teen-angst at All-Toon High!

Alright ... now do we all see how fucking ridiculous that sounds??? If I'd written this post six months ago and included a bit about Bugs Bunny as a sinister, clawed, fighting machine, Daffy Duck as an edgy, sonar-driven superhero, and the Roadrunner as a high-tech, robotic crime-fighter, you would've all thought I'd been hitting the sauce, right?

Oh yeah ... it's an "homage to the legacy" ... and monkeys are flying out of my ass even as I type.

It's all about the benjamins, baby ...

Puffy Daddy - It's All About The Benjamins


  1. Is nothing fucking sacred in this bankrupt culture anymore? I'm 35, and I grew up with Bugs and the rest of the Loony Toon gang. When classic cartoon characters appeared in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit", that was a tribute. That was love. This? This is a genuinely shameful ripoff for the sole purpose of sucking some more money out of the kid market without having to do something as taxing as thinking creatively. I've never said this before, but I'm glad Mel Blanc isn't alive to see this. Isn't a gang of dark, edgy toons exactly what the average 4-year-old needs on Saturday mornings? Jesus fuck! This is certainly not a tribute. (The outraged voice of Richard Dreyfus is in my head: "Well, this was not a boat accident!") This isn't even our unfortunate tendency to recycle everything in an accellerating cycle. This is auto-cannibilism perpetuated by heartless ghouls in brown suits. It's also a grim reminder of why I don't get TV at my house.

  2. CoZmatic3:42 PM

    Rofl dude, you obviously have an iq that matches your shoe size. You dare insulting my blonde princess? are you really that stupid? i bet you live in Wales with your mom jsut like that pathetic fagget Mathew Mannion. Look, how about i come over for a "little visit" to beat up your fat ass? dosn't it sound good? watch over me princess as i slay this piece of shit.