Monday, April 18, 2005

Abe Lincoln Directs Traffic At Midnight ...

Newsflash: In an stunning evolutionary turn of events, Springfield Police Officers, engorged with testosterone and power, grew ten foot dicks on Sunday night. Citizens were amazed to see these mutant wonders dressed in official SPD gear yelling, "Get onto the sidewalk!"

I'd like to know which local politico mensa member decided that, after closing downtown streets to traffic, it would be prudent to squeeze three hundred thousand outgoing visitors onto a five foot wide sidewalk. What the fuck? Are you people all stoned? Did you hang out too long at Chantilly Lace with Tim?

With my own ears, I got to hear one of Springfield's finest tell an individual "sucks to be you tonight" after the guy asked if he could just cross to the other side of the street because his car was parked on the opposite side of the museum. "Sucks to be you?" Is that what we're trying to project to all these tourists?

Politicians around here are trying so desperately hard to show the rest of the country that Springfield has class and culture ... and I suppose Cozy Dog Drive In on South Sixth Street might be the height of gourmet cuisine. There's a chance that Walgreens Drug Store's "Proud to be from Springfield" t-shirts (two for $5.00, by the way) is haute couture at it's finest. Then again, monkeys might fly out of my ass at any minute.

To be fair, the museum itself is stunning. It reminded me of the Smithsonian's American History Museum in Washington. I guess we can hope that visitors look past the asshat cops, the potholes in the roads, and the overpriced Lincoln memorabilia to see the real attraction ... an amazing presidential museum.

"Public sentiment is everything.
With public sentiment, nothing can fail;
Without it nothing can succeed."

Abraham Lincoln - August 21, 1858

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